Beating 90 urges challenge

Its pretty simple, due to fact that i have relapsed to porn again after ruining previous streak of 400+ days, and current one of 60 days... just few days after i've got into some MO sessions, i am slowly starting to fall into my old habits for which i simply cannot allow to happen.

Basically, its simple ...instead of putting all of the emphasis on hitting 90 days i will rather focus on beating 90 urges that come along the recovery process.

Each urge i manage to deal with properly, will be noted about here, as well as with my thought process and process of how i did (or did not) dealt with urge or craving properly.

A'ight lets begin then...tbh i don't want to do this but imma force myself to...

 

Alright so, no urges in sight yet. However i do feel a bit moody and depressed, this would be a sign of that the journey has begun.

How do i know that urges are about to come ? Because, from my previous observations there needs to be a really big emotional negative tension in my mind in order for my brain to convince me and throw me back to porn, because, lets be honest if we were all motivated throughout this journey all damn time, we'd hit 90 days in no time.

This is why i put emphasis on beating urges, now even though things will get rough from this point on, i still have to see way beyond that and push forward no matter the outcome. And that's what's exactly i am going to do. I expect urges to begin with its usual thing, throughout this week.

 

Urge #1

Okay, i've had an urge today. And it was mostly disguised as some form of overthinking, lack of self confidence and anxiety. For about 3 days i felt some sort of emotional pain and general discomfort.

My mind tried to use tricks on me on giving suggestions such as "one last time" or just having a panic attack of not being able to sustain it. Then i took a couple of deep breaths, relaxed the whole tension from my body and told myself the truth, which means there's no "i'll start tomorrow" or "one last time" or "just to relieve the pain" the truth is, regardless of what excuse i have in order to MO or PMO i'll always end up with same if not the worsened pain. Therefore, the present moment is where its at, i had to be content with being uncomfy for awhile.

Although i do admit, i failed to recognize that i had the urge at first. As soon as urge hit its peak, i have slowly returned back to being alright and functioned normally. All i know is that urges will get more strong from this point on and during that period my mind will be a mess, but there's no other choice but to keep going forward regardless.

 

Urge #2

As soon as i woke up i felt very uncomfortable, especially as day kept progressing. Was clouded with anxiety, overthinking and whatnot. Not to mention the increased stress since im studying all day long for a final exam. As usual, mind would come up with regular excuses to do it.

However, i simply had to let the urge do its thing and pass, it lasted for few hours today, periodically. However, i managed to go past it. As i mentioned, today it was worse than yesterday, i've had really hard time focusing at studies but i still made some progress regardless.

Perhaps, the key is to adapt to the situation and go with the flow, not identify with the urge and let it just pass.

 

Exactly, i believe that rebooting is no longer a rocket science. I'd say everyone here relapses over same reasons that are put under same excuses over and over again. Repeating same mistakes and expecting different results is a definition of insanity they say...

 

Urge #3

The emotional pain and negativity has lifted, and i feel better. However, right now i am starting to be more horny and i noticed myself looking for small details to get excited. Very likely brain looking for some sort of dopamine switch to get me back to porn, as i was tempted to peek.

Getting hit with excuses such as "just a peak" or "im curious just to see" either to google some sketchy stuff, or look for not so appropriate videos on youtube. In the end, me, and you, the person reading this ...we know that this is one of the biggest bullshit excuse we give to ourselves, right ?

Even though it was difficult, had to stop myself feeding with lies and simply realize that peeking means a straight road to relapse. In the end, if my goal is to quit porn, why make it harder for myself, right ? Of course, its not that simple and rational thing to do once you're struck with an urge. That's why i didn't allow myself to use my phone or PC until urge passed.

 

Urge #4

Had the urge yesterday, but i was so damn tired and burned out that i was simply lazy to post.

Basically, mind pulling tricks on me again. In terms of frustration thinking how giving the pleasure up will be a huge deal, however the thing is more of it is just pain afterwards, pleasure lasts for a brief moment, but the price i'd have to pay onward makes it not worth it. I started to get frustrated and i took a few deep breaths, relaxed the tension in my body and kept studying. At that moment, it occurred to me "You're having an urge !"

Sometimes urges can really creep up without you being aware of them, that's why some of us would find ourselves in autopilot mode, with penis in hand finishing with another porn session thinking what the hell went wrong. This is why urge awareness and identifying them is in my opinion very important.

86 urges to go.

 

Reporting in i have relapsed. I've MO'd but not thinking of any pornographic material, in fact i wasn't thinking of anything at all and only focused at sensations. What happened was that intensity of urges had increased, concerning the fact i am stuck in house in need to study for the final which is next week all day long i got under stress. I do admit, its really unlegit excuse and i let frustration get me.

However, either way, i cant be too harsh on myself. Lets not repeat the same mistake next time, i do not feel any negative effects whatsoever. We're back at #0