Self Worth

Well I have to admit that things are going pretty well for me. I have been sitting here the past couple of hours with nothing but time and a computer at my disposal. I would be lying if I said the thought of PMO did not cross my mind, but thus far I have been able to resist. I know just one slip is all that it would take and I would be right back to where I was, but progress is progress. It is probably unreasonable to think that 20+ years of wiring my brain to respond a certain way could be undone by 60 days!

Thanks for reading,
Arpy

 

Well I just increased my goal to 90 days! I cant believe I've even made it this far. Thank you everyone who has expressed good wishes and/or support. I helps so much to know that there are folks out there who understand. May we all continue to succeed!

Arpy

 

I just recently celebrated my 40th birthday. I am proud to say that I have not given in to PMO for almost 70 days! Knowing that I started around the time that I was 1o or 11 years old, I can say that until I found this site and made this commitment that the majority of my life I was a slave to porn. I know that I am still at risk and may well never be "cured", but I have tasted a little success and it feels great. I hope to continue on this journey with a clear mind.

Arpy

 

For some reason I feel tempted today. I've been doing so well that it kind of surprised me a bit. I found that I let myself look at some of the PG13 images that we all run into online. I have been running away from them, but I wasn't so fast to do that today. I didn't do anything, but I lingered a little longer on them than I should have. I know that I start with that stuff and before I know it, I am looking at pornography. So when I cam to my senses, I immediately came here to post. Now I'm going to get outside and distract myself!

Arpy

 

Thank you Justquit. Always nice to receive some positive encouragement. I have noticed it seems a little easier to resist the temptation as time goes on. At first I really felt out of control, like canoeing in a raging river with no paddle. It felt like the world was spinning so fast that I had to dig my nails in just to hold on. But, after a little bit of success, the raging river of temptation, triggers, & addiction slowed just a little. While I may still be in the water, at least I'm out of the raging current!

Arpy

 

Well, I am over 90% complete of my goal for 90 days free from PMO! I see no reason to go back so I am increasing my goal to 180 days! Wish me luck!

Arpy

 

I am still doing OK. I am still tempted by all of those PG13 pop ups and little hints that we are bombarded with by the media, but I am able to recognize the temptation. I think maybe there is enough of a delay present so I can think for 30 seconds and determine that I don't want to throw everything I've accomplished for some collection of pixels who doesn't even know I exist!

Arpy

 

Looking back on my last post I can start to recognize a bit of a trend. It may well be a return to "normal" whatever that is.... I had been so guarded and nervous about viewing any sort of image for so long that when I find myself actually doing it I am a bit surprised and a little un-nerved. I saw an image of an actress who I happen to like... a very pretty young woman. She was dressed up for some awards show in a manner that was provocative, yet appropriate. I looked at the photo and searched her name on the internet. After looking at several pictures I found myself drawn to the "..... hot" or "..... bikini" or "..... see through" tabs. That is when I came here.

I don't want to seem like a prude, but I've fought hard to get away from porn for almost 100 days! I don't want to make a stupid mistake and fall right back into old habits. I am very grateful that this site is here. Even just to vent.

Thanks,
Arpy

 

I have had what I hope is a minor setback. I did not look at porn or even really delve into the deep pool of pornographic images that are in my head. I did however MO. No porn or fantasy, just the physical sensation. I think for me that this could be a catalyst for good or bad. Obviously it could lead me down into the swirling pit of PMO and self loathing. That is not somewhere that I want to return.

I am hoping that I can use it as a frank assessment of myself. I've been more tempted to look at these PG13 images the past few weeks. Oddly enough, that was not what triggered me. I wasn't even near the computer. I've been bored and a little stressed the past 3 days. I was home, in bed napping, and the thought started to form. I should have immediately gotten up, but I didn't. I was comfortable and stayed there and I just sort of let it happen.

But now I'm done. I am not going to reset my counter because it was not PMO. I'm also not going to pretend it didn't happen or it was no big deal, because to me it could be. I admitted it. I wish I hadn't done it, but I did. I'm not going to let this derail my success!

Arpy

 

Well I did have that little setback a while ago, but thus far it does not seem to have triggered a flood of poor decisions and self loathing that I feared. I am still fighting the good fight so to speak. A couple of things are really amazing and they seem counter to each other. First I am amazed at how much more strength and resistance I have now that I have been clean for a time. Counter to that however, is how much PMO still is a draw. I am sure there is a reduced physical dependence for me at this point, but those thoughts and urges are always there. Thank you all for the encouragement and I wish you nothing but the best in your personal struggle with PMO. You can succeed!

Arpy

 

I guess I've been away from the boards for a while. I've had a lot going on as of late... very, very busy. Today I had the chance to slow down a bit and wouldn't you know it... my old "friend" temptation shows up. It is hard to believe how difficult it is to recover from this addiction! I've had so much success and now I find myself cutting corners. Lingering on some of the so & so in a bikini pictures! Not porn, but I know where that behavior has lead before. It has been about a month since my lapse of judgment (see June 10th post). To this point it has not opened the flood gate of temptation as I feared it might. However, I find that little seed planted that says "it's fine... you did it once and nothing happened... what is one more time going to hurt?" I know from experience that that little voice LIES!

Arpy