SO not upset

This is probably for the best. Because it isn't her problem, it's yours. And sounds like she has enough on her plate without feeling inadequate or pressured into having more sex than she feels capable of. So she turns a blind eye. I wonder how many of our partners are turning a 'blind eye'?

If she doesn't appreciate how much of an achievement giving up pmo is, at least she can enjoy some of the benefits. More energy to help her out, more mental focus when you talk etc. Maybe better looks. And it will be a huge weight off your shoulders not having to hide this stuff from your wife (and kids too!).

Do you have a regular date night, away from kids (or after they have gone to bed), where you focus on each other and enjoy a nice meal or drinks? I think this is very important.

 

I just saw this thread for the first time. I have a similar situation. My wife doesn’t seem bothered by the idea of it. She was impressed when I told her I was making the change, but almost seemed to think it was too extreme. However, I don’t think she grasped the scope of it, or how much it had held me back during my life. Or how it was killing desire and attraction.

It’s great that you can do this for yourself. That’s the most powerful way for this to happen, and you can take a lot of pride in the effort.

 

My wife also does not really care. She does care that sex is terrible but I don’t think she really believes that porn could be a factor. Her dad used porn when she was growing up and she was aware of it so maybe for this reason doesn’t think it is bad.

 

It's actually quite sad that porn is such a socially accepted part of our culture, that women consider it just one of those things that they just have to put up with, like guys leaving the toilet seat up.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head in a lot of cases - she didn't know the extent. I'm pretty sure no spouse truly cares if their SO masturbates sometimes. And if you occasionally look at porn, so be it. However, none of us are on Nofap because we glance at porn and masturbate to it here and there. We're here, at least in my case, because I was spending hours on porn sites every day. Because it was changing how I was around my wife, what I expected from her, and to a certain extent how I felt about her. That's where it is truly an issue, at least in my eyes.

 

I think another part of this is that I never really told the whole truth, never in one sitting at least. I minimized, justified, said it was less frequent, less disturbing than it actually was. I also think our wives may not know the details but they can FEEL that something is off. For me I have been off almost our whole marriage. She just got used to me being a jerk sometimes. She didn't see or realize that my pornography use was directly correlated to how I treat her and our kids.

Our wives do not know the extent and they also do not know the EFFECT is has had on us. They don't realize how damaging it is.

Also, sometimes not reacting is a trauma response. Wives of sex addicts can easily be diagnosed with C-PTSD. Sometimes the way they deal with it is being convincing themselves that they do not care.