Sex Addiction or Guilt & Shame Addiction?

Last night, immediately following the completion of 90 days hard-mode, I was scrolling through images on Pinterest while on the phone with a friend. Images of sexy women showing off their tattoos popped up on my feed. They were innocent enough but eventually led to a black-and-white photo of a nude woman with nipples and ass visible.
Yes, I clicked on the image.
It was on my screen for maybe 10 seconds. I did not touch myself. Didn't get an erection. Simply took in the view for a moment, then moved on.
And yet...
The guilt and shame coursing through me as I woke up in response to having viewed this image this morning was overwhelming.
But I'm not one to let my emotions be my guiding compass for truth. Peace, love, and happiness are my true North- anything less than this is the by-product of social conditioning, and I stand behind this belief fully. My reason for engaging with the 90-day hard-mode challenge was not to overcome a PMO addiction but to overcome guilt and shame associated with my sexuality. And even though I achieved the fabled 90 days purported by NoFap "studies" to be the magic number for healing, the guilt and shame I felt in response to having briefly viewed a beautiful, naked woman was as though I hadn't accomplished anything at all.
So I started questioning my beliefs about sexuality, porn, and NoFap, something I recommend everyone here try at some point. It will transform you more than any self-denial practice possibly can. Byron Katie's videos on YouTube- - are a good place to start. But I digress.
There's no question in my mind that my life has improved as a result of having practiced PMO-abstinence for the last 90 days. But why? Is it because of semen retention? I have scoured the internet for peer-reviewed research on the benefits of semen retention and have found absolutely nothing to substantiate NoFappers claims about this practice. What if this was less about sexual abstinence, and more about the fact that, for the last 90 days, I haven't engaged in behavior I've judged to be shameful? Was it the porn and masturbation causing me to feel depressed and anxious, or was it the belief that those behaviors are wrong, instilled into me from a young age by the anti-eroticism/anti-body messages of religion?
As I'm sure you could've guessed by the tone of my writing, I'm leaning towards believing it was the latter, and almost certainly not the former.

I've made no secret of my attitude towards religion in my posts here on NoFap; I believe it is far more harmful to humanity than beneficial. Independent of my beliefs, there is no denying that religion is far from free of corruption and toxicity. As a former Southern Baptist seeking a community of people all committed to de-converting from their religious programming, I discovered an online support group called Recovering From Religion recently. For those interested, their website is recoveringfromreligion.org. Their founder, Dr. Darrel Ray, is a major opponent of the myth of sex addiction. You can find his talk on the subject here: .
I found his discussion fascinating. There is absolutely- I repeat, ABSOLUTELY- NO peer-reviewed research validating the existence of sex addiction as an actual diagnosable condition. It is not a part of the DSM-5 whatsoever, and for good reason, which Dr. Ray covers extensively in his lecture.
What has been discovered, however, is that the more religious a person is, the more likely they are to identify as a sex addict. Intriguing, right? Guess which state in America has the highest number of self-identified sex addicts? Utah. Guess which one is number 2? Mississippi. Is it a coincidence that these are two of the most religious states in the country? Of course not.
Religion's denigration of sexuality to sinful behavior is a brilliant marketing scheme; convince people that their sexuality, one of the most powerful and unavoidable forces in the human psyche, is a sin against God, and can only be absolved by greater participation in- and financial investment in- the very religion teaching sex to be a sin in the first place. It's an endless feedback loop preying on guilt and shame to keep people locked into a system that turns their very humanity against them. Diabolical and absolutely genius.
Guilt and shame are powerful. And they are truly addictive, as evidenced by the works of Dr. Joe Dispenza- . It's not the act of masturbation or watching pornography that keeps a person locked in a cycle of craving and shame, craving and shame; it's the fact that it's taboo. That's the source of the addictive cycle. Free yourself from the guilt and shame of religious indoctrination, and you'll find it much easier to free yourself of compulsive sexual behavior, and you can do so without indefinitely denying yourself of the joy of sexual pleasure. As Dr. Darrel Ray says, "The sex addiction field is really a form of religious indoctrination and shaming..." Why follow a system of belief designed only to benefit a small group of people who profit off your guilt and shame when you could invest your energies into inner peace and freedom instead, without sacrificing your sexuality in the process? Make choices that honor your humanity instead of vilifying it. You ARE NOT a sex addict. You've been brainwashed by religion into an addiction to guilt and shame by means of your sexuality.
If you need the practice and community of NoFap to help prevent you from indulging in problematic sexual behavior as you undo the religious indoctrination to cut the guilt and shame off at its source, then you have my full support. I did find the 90 days to be helpful, even if my conclusion at the end of these 90 days was the exact opposite of what NoFap teaches. I do, however, firmly believe it was the absence of guilt and shame- caused by religious indoctrination, not the inherent "wrongness" of porn and masturbation- and not semen retention, that provided the real benefit over the last 3 months. Be diligent in asking yourself, what am I really addicted to, and why? Don't just settle for what you've been told. Really do the research for yourself so that you're not needlessly practicing self-denial but becoming all that you can be, sexually and beyond.

In addition to the other resources I've suggested, take a look at this article by Marty Klein, again affirming that sex addiction DOES NOT EXIST- https://thehumanist.com/magazine/july-august-2012/features/youre-addicted-to-what. As he so poignantly states towards the beginning of the article, "So here’s my evaluation of almost everyone who is diagnosed as a sex addict—by themselves, their loved ones, or an addictionologist: it’s someone who is unhappy with the consequences of their sexual choices, but who finds it too emotionally painful to make different choices. You know, the way some of us are with cookies, new sweaters, or watching the Kardashians on TV.

Which is to say, it’s not about the sex. It’s about immature decision-making."

You're not broken, you don't have a disease, and you are most certainly not a sinner. You're a beautiful human being capable of greatness on a healing journey. I know this essay of mine will trigger many, some will dismiss it entirely, and perhaps it will enrage a few, but I'm certain at least a handful of you NoFappers out there are questioning if you're really a sex addict or not and if masturbation and porn are really as bad as this website suggests. They are not; anti-sex religious messaging is the real culprit behind your compulsive behavior. I truly hope my writing and the other resources I've provided here can help you make your own improved decision-making regarding your sexual behavior independent of any mainstream narrative you've been handed or diagnosis someone else gave you. You are worthy of a life full of meaning and sexual fulfillment. It is my sincerest hope that you are able to discover the truth of these words for yourself along your journey. Be well ✌

Additional resources:

The 3-Minute Game- a way to build intimacy between you and your partner:

David Deida, sexual yoga teacher:

Mantak Chia, author of The Multi-Orgasmic Man: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRcF2MvwbSo

And finally, I highly recommend Dr. Darrel Ray's podcast, Secular Sexuality

Happy Healing!

 

I'm glad you got something of value out of this. Of course, I don't deny the existence of problematic sexual behavior or the value of community such as this one to help change those behaviors. But I do want to put the explanations for sex & porn addiction under serious scrutiny, and I appreciate your willingness to consider my objections to mainstream conclusions. I don't believe you're a weak-willed or psychologically broken person for struggling with compulsive sexual behavior; I believe you (and I) have been indoctrinated by an anti-erotic culture that causes all kinds of unhealthy expressions of an energy that is an inherent part of being human. We deserve better than all the external shame heaped on us by others who've come to regard guilt and shame as a virtue.

As for the day-counter, I'm totally with you. Just the effort alone of trying to make healthier decisions around sex and porn should count for something. Most people wouldn't even bother. It takes a real warrior spirit to try to make changes at such a fundamental level of behavior.

 

It's fine if you disagree, this is a place for open discussion.

I would posit that no one, even those who identify as atheist or agnostic, has managed to escape unscathed from religious indoctrination. It's embedded in western thought to the point of being nearly imperceptible, like a fish in water. Without some serious inner work, most people's default orientation towards sex, pleasure, and their body is shame. And it's this shame that's made possible the influence porn has on our society today- because sexuality has been made taboo, it's made obsessive-compulsive/neurotic behavior around sex and porn much more prevalent. This is more cultural than it is individual. Were it not for the overt puritanical values of our society, hardcore pornography wouldn't have nearly the power that it does. Studies have shown (see Dr. Darrel Ray's lecture in original post) that, as people de-condition themselves from religious indoctrination, so too does their problematic sexual behavior decrease. Correlation does not equal causation, but the relationship between the two is worth considering.

In short, hardcore pornography is the yang to religious indoctrination's yin.

And of course, my whole intent here is to provide a different perspective to the mainstream conversation regarding sex addiction. I'm hoping to point people in the direction of alleviation of guilt and shame. Again, if this doesn't resonate with you, I respect your right to disagree.

 

I appreciate your honest and candid response. As I've stated above, I believe shame and guilt are indoctrinated into us from the beginning, possibly before even birth. This is purely speculative on my part, but as sentient creatures, I think there's an unconscious bias against the body because it reminds us that, in spite of our heightened self-awareness, intelligence, and other higher functioning cognitive abilities, we're still just animals.

And, again, purely speculative, I think the shame around sex ultimately stems from our fear of death- best not to embrace the pleasures of the body because it's merely temporary.
Freud went on a nature-walk with some friends once and found it dismaying to witness how his friends wouldn't stop talking for even a moment to take in all the beauty of the natural world. He reasoned this was because loving and appreciating the impermanent can be very painful for most people, and so they would rather indulge in being distracted than acknowledge the beautiful but impermanent life before them.
Religion drives this point home by treating life as a test to determine our ultimate destination in eternity- life is not about the here and now but about the hereafter. It makes avoidance of the impermanent present moment a divine creed from god. Sex (in my opinion) is one of the greatest joys of life. Best to relegate it to one of the more egregious forms of sin lest people begin to question the church's authority on the nature and meaning of life.

At this point, I'm just thinking "out loud" here. I'm always seeking to understand myself and the world around me better. These are just my current theories and are always subject to change. The points I've made here that I'm willing to stand by are:
1) Guilt and shame are inevitable without serious inner work.
2) Guilt and shame lead to neurotic behavior, such as compulsive sexual behavior.
3) Religion capitalizes on humanity's predilection toward guilt and shame with the doctrine of sin to explain guilt and shame as natural consequences for living outside of the will of the church (which is conflated with the will of god). This circular logic is very profitable and employed with great success all over the world in just about every culture on the planet. It's all the more diabolical and lucrative to make inevitable and natural impulses like sexuality a sin that can only be remedied with even greater participation in the religion that made the urge a sin in the first place. It's a feedback loop that actually benefits more from your failure than your success in adhering to their doctrine.

So, there's my current musings on the subject. Curious to hear what you or anyone else has to say about it. I think I could flesh out (pun intended) and articulate the relationship I see between fear of death and shame around sex more coherently but it's a new idea I'm working on, so this will do for now.
Hope your journey is going well and that you're meeting your goals, or at least finding yourself more at home with yourself today than yesterday. Peace! ✌

 

Yes, I do believe there are some distorted and exploited views and practices around sexuality that are the inverse of the anti-eroticism puritanical views that are both represented by our culture. They are both the cause and effect of another.
I'm don't agree that abstinence until marriage is an innate view- I think the belief in that as a virtue must be imposed from the outside as a mechanism for controlling people's behavior- but, that really is a purely subjective perspective and think you could probably come up with valid arguments against my viewpoint if you cared to. I hold my perspective around that loosely- it's not a hill I care to die on.
To your final point here, agreed; there is no absolute answer. I think all answers ought to be subject to constant scrutiny, especially where religion, addiction, and sexuality are concerned. It's questioning, hypothesis, and discourse that moves the conversation forward. And I for one feel heavily invested in being one who helps move this conversation forward. Human spirituality and sexuality are topics of great passion for me. Thanks for joining the discussion with me.

 

There really may be chemical and energetic benefits to semen retention but in spite of all the searching I've done for research on the topic, I haven't been able to find any. Based on personal experience, I'd say yes, there is, but again, I just can't find any data to prove or disprove it.

I also haven't found any studies explaining the tendency towards depression, guilt, and shame as a direct result of ejaculation some men experience either. The research I've done shows that those symptoms are a result of social conditioning, not a biological reaction to sex and masturbation.

I'm not saying these studies don't exist, I'm saying I haven't found them. If you have any you'd like to share, I would love to read them.

All that being said, are you saying there's absolutely no guilt and shame associated with your sexuality? I'm skeptical because guilt and shame almost always play a role in addiction/compulsive behavior. Then again, maybe you don't consider yourself to be addicted to porn or masturbation? Curious to hear your thoughts.

PS- I did just find this article giving a possible explanation for why men feel tired after sex. Food for thought.
https://www.besthealthmag.ca/best-you/relationships/why-men-fall-asleep-after-sex/