My journey to get free from PMO even when i had an awful day (NO CHALLENGES)

I was introduced to porn when i was only 10 years old by looking to the history of my father's computer, i remmember the first video till nowadays, and since that age it just got worse. Like everyone, you start in a "normal" level and end in the most disgusting category of porn, which results in shame and feeling unworthy about my relationships. I'm doing this firstly because of me and my future and secondly because i feel so so bad about cheating my lover who i am so proud of being with, i hope with your help we can beat this together.

Plus, my biggest goal was 15 days. It's the first time i ask for help, hope with your support i can go farther.

I want to make an journey without challenges, i want to keep my mind in the present, i'm gonna try to keep myself mindful and have awareness the most time as possible. Through the present we can make the changes we want to, i don't want to float thinking about the day when i have 500+ days and nanananana, the process must be accepted and i know i'm gonna struggle. Day by day i know we can do it my friends.

 

Thank you! with time i get used to the forum, thank you again for your support!

 

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I must confess, today it felt like 3 or 4 days, OMG!

• I did some progress with shame, cause i managed to do my tasks, but i can't deny i still felling bad about betraying people who love me, this feeling is pure shame;
• I am a student and i struggled with my schedule, didn't organize myself properly and i didn't have enough concentration to really understand the topics;
• I felt a bit of sadness during the day;
• I managed the triggers sucessfully;
• I didn't put in practice something new that i would like to learn and would make me feel happy with myself, must pay attention to that;
• Didn't improve enough, most activities i should do were tossed asside, cause i still feeling down...
• The second day i must be more productive in order to feel better and get stronger, guard up!

 

I couldn't receive anything better at this moment, thank you for giving me this!

 

I don't have much to talk today, neither time.However, i want to keep active here and reflect about what i did wrong and what i did right in the last day, so here we go:

-Basically, i didn't feel alive yesterday, any inspiration, i just let the day pass, i didn't sleep well and my routine was a completelly mess;
-In the other hand, i didn't have any desire for PMO, just aversion, i reflected a lot while taking a cold shower about who i want to become and why, our reason must be stronger than our animal side in order to overcome this.
-Today i feel more productive and disposed,
-I trust in God, i am a monotheist, without religion, but i need to come back to his presence, reading The Bible, The Quran, The Torah, anything that make me feel close to his path and presence, i feel better when i pray and think about what does he want from me.
-From now on, i will pray every morning, before eating and bedtime;
-Maybe i'm just throwing random ideas here, but i must confess i feel better doing this, so whatever! GUARD UP!

 

Everyday learning something new.

Last day i felt very weird, uncomfortable, but also blessed
I learned the reason why i shouldn't count the fucking days, cause this journey is for life, it starts now and don't have to hang on 90 days to feel better and believe i am free, it must start in our minds, we need to change our way of thinking. It is not worth just resist to urges and not masturbate, we need to change our behaviors and believe we are the changes we want to make in our lives.
I know i will struggle, this shit is chemical, there are real obstacles, the bad days will come, and i need to have strenght to overcome these days, through self-discipline and studying, fullfilling my study objectives is a good start!

 

Damn this thing is helping me a lot, i think i have a problem about analyzing my previous day haha.
It is good cause now i feel obligated to reflect about what i did wrong or good, so have discipline to come to this journal and express myself is a really good way to begin.

Let's begin!

Yesterday i failed and hit in many ways, my emotions were really low during the day, i was feeling angry and anything would piss me off, but suddenly i asked myself: Why the hell i am feeling like this? then i had a mindfulness moment hahaha, i was like that cause i didn't relapse and my brain is searching for his precious dopamine, well i answer just one thing to my brain 'Sorry mate, not today, but keep strong, i'll give you what you want, but not the way you want it, you better change or things will get worse to you'. Yeah it was me talking to my brain at that very moment haha. So anyway, what i want to say is that i feel that i lack of a period of day to relax and reward myself for being strong during the day, in order to release the tention in my brain, that's why i did some yoga before sleeping and maaaaaan that thing about not to think in anything is prety hard hahaha. So basically that's it, i didn't remember having urges yesterday, maybe a small one before showering, so i took a cold shower and repeated some mantras to myself xD, i thought i am kinda psyco, but the truth is i am very very mindful.

 

Mate, you have to work in your reason okay? it is not worth feeling inspired and resist the urges without something you deeply believe in. All i can tell you mate is that you know how you are going to feel if you relapse, we all know, don't make that mistake. These urges mean that you have progress, now this is the moment you have to prove yourself you can do this, but for that, you need to know why are you doing this. Don't make your living process depends on 10 minutes of meaningless pleasure, it is not worth... Also, you have to keep living your life, don't wait to feel better in order to improve yourself, keep working, maybe not at fullcharge, but keep pushing, you need to develop self-discipline to work even when your mood isn't good, okay? Look at yourself, look to what you really believe is worth to porsue... That's what i have to say, i'm just beginning my journey, maybe i don't have enough experience, but i am here and i hope i could help you someway.

 

I wanna be short!

Yesterday it was a good day, i keep improving everyday, i'm feeling better about myself and i acomplished my routine tasks: Study, meditate, prayer, cold shower, wash the dishes and exercise.

The more my mind is on the present, the more i see how pornography is a completely bullshit.It is crazy cause i have an exam soon and my anxiety isn't growing up, i'm okay with that. I know maybe i won't pass, because i lost many many time this year feeling down about PMO, i couldn't make a movement, i wasn't feeling inspired and confident. Anyway, maybe a bad thing is about to happen to me, but i won't fall anymore, enough, if i fail i know the why, and i won't come back to the place i was.

 

About yesterday, i was thinking about the damage PMO did to my life and i couldn't measure it. I felt horrible, damn, that thing steals my energy, my self confidence and motivation. Now, i'm feeling in the present, cause that's what i have to do, and also cause of that, i can see each of every mistake i did while living that life. Where i was going? omg, but thank God i still have time to save my strengh and confidence, i accept this challenge, i want to see the benefits, i won't fall again, i just cannot fall.

And about habits, it was like the day before yesterday, cold shower, studied, but less, meditate, prayer, exercise. Nothing new about habits.

 

i mean in terms of post, sorry about my bad english hahaha. And yep! I won't fall! Let's keep working in ourselves Thors!

 

One week, and what? Whatever... time doesn't change anything.

Yesterday i had an urge, i was in my bedroom and my heart started beating faster, i knew what was happening at the moment and i managed to kill the thought. That urge was the same that usually makes me fall, heart beating faster, alone in my bedroom, but i didn't fall!

The faster we change our way of thinking, the faster i believe we will get rid of this crap, and i believe i am rid! as naive as i can look now, i am rid. I know the urges and flatline and etc are the big challenges, that's okay, they will come, but i need to at least believe i am rid. I have an exam soon, and again i feel i'm not worth of good grades. I failed too much this year, i can't claim something i didn't fight for. May God give me strengh and instead of grieve,i keep pushing and make it happen in future. It is a uncertain future, but i won't see the results without making what must have be done today.

 

I'm back again to this journal after a couple of tough days. I had my exams and i failed hard.
That failure makes my urges grow, but also, another urges are growing, and even more, the urges for change. I know why i've failed, my self-confidence was really low during the last months and i was with my head in the floor. That feeling makes me feel more certain about what i must do and not to do. The old urges came right after i took notice of my bad grades, were it not for my stay of mind and covenant, i would probably fall. I don't know what else to say, just that i claim all my failures and mistakes, these grades were the result of my deeds which must change. Enough of feeling bad, change is arriving my friends