Is there any hope?

@The Legend of Hope

 

Swallow that ego. You can't win if you stop. Someone who starts at 0 and just tries 1 day at a time and doesn't stop will be successful.
But someone who wants to find the "right" way or best mindset will only keep his streak as long as his/her mindset is more active than the urge.

I don't respect a loser. Because a loser gives up on himself and doesn't get up no matter how situation looks like. You are not a loser.

Stop dwelling on the past. Self-improvement doesn't work by dwelling on feelings and memories of the past.
Learn from them instead of just remembering them.

This right here... is the perfect example that you believe in perspective, which is drawn by your fear.

You were afraid but this doesn't mean you destroyed everything. You let your fear decide your actions. That's it.
Nothing more and nothing less. A very human thing to do.

And there it is
The reason why you are probably depressed. I will quote some of my older posts there because I am way to lazy to write that stuff down again.
If you have any questions just ask me. Also remember those are a bit older

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/and-again-again-and-again.230583/#post-2033747

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/mental-problems.257706/#post-2326373

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/why-do-i-hate-myself-so-much.243836/#post-2176317

https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/my-journal.246179/#post-2203676

Have fun reading.

 

I was already at it bro. Looking up things by remembering the words I used took me a while

 

Proud :,)

 

Especially keep your eyes open for this part:

I alwalys thought I need a proof that I am great... for my parents, for my friends, for my teachers and most important for myself.... but after I won battle after battle against my depression there was just one giant Wall left. The last Wall... I know if that wall vanishes then I will be free.... I looked back how many walles I broke down and how far I come... I couldn't believe that I made it this far... each of my steps and efforts... all lead me to that point. I was grateful that I never gave up. I looked at the last wall again and said... No... I don't need to prove anything to anyone... not to my parents, not to my friends, not to my teachers AND ESPECIALLY... NOT TO MYSELF!!! I AM ALREADY GREAT!!! and because those words are true and I believed them the last wall just became a huge gate and the wall itself disappeared. I went through the gate. And a more "Heroic/athletic and mature" version said to me "I was watching you from the beginning. Now you get it. You are already great" it felt like that version and my version became one. All of this happend at the start of this year.
You don't need a proof. You are already great and I know you can be even greater!

@BigBadWolf_27

 

I really understand how you feel, it is too damn discouraging the situation that tomorrow or later there are important exams, important thing to do but you engage in 'autopilot mode'. But actually we do this to ourselves. This 'autopilot mode' occurs especially when we have tough times, like stress from important exams, rejections, loneliness, feeling nothing, tired, depleted, feeling unsuccessful in every aspects of life etc. We as porn addicts, generally use porn to getting our fix, addiction alters how we react this kind of stressful situations, also known as altered stress response that leads 'hypofrontality' and hypofrontality leads bad choices. Our brain's frontal cortex already affected by porn, but this kind of life's stresses affects us more than a normal brain state, e.g. If you perceive a stressful moment, it becomes 10x more with your altered stress response. That's because we are more likely to relapse especially stressful times. It is tougher to manage for us. This is the cycle you've already mentioned.

I'm relate with that. In my past recovery attempts, I wanted a perfect reboot, paid attention to everything but I think this might create more pressure on you. Yes, everything can be a trigger for your sensitized pathways of course you should clean as possible. However if a trigger happens and we decide to keep engaging them, this can cause a slip, relapse, failure... whatever you name for it. Gentlemen, there is a HUGE obsessions with day counters here, I'm saying that every possible ways, it is just not a necessary thing. Of course, we want to break our chains, counters are cute, they seems sweet, we want to see huge numbers in our day counters, OK. I made this mistake, a lot. But if you have a relapse, you discourage, your counters says '0'. It lose its meaning after you relapse. In my opinion if we don't feed our addiction this struggle becomes easier to us, I know but keeping your track with a calendar or spreadsheets are doing better jobs to overcome addiction. Bro, I have a huge history with porn and recovery attempts, and surely you should never give green light to porn or feed your addiction but your brain heals in every moment you stay away from porn, it creates new pathways even if you don't aware. In my experience, continuing your journey without more porn binges -if you can- decreases chaser effect. Before engaging and feeding your addiction make your decision and get back to road again. It is to damn difficult if you have a relapse I know, but try to stay away from porn's effect as possible. There are two superb post links in my signature, read them all. They are talking about this. But your main point should be always kill the addiction, end it, completely get addiction out of your life. This is the only way to getting out from porn addiction slavery. With learning emotional management, we can struggle with life easier. Life is not easy but after recovering from an addiction generally creates better opportunities. You can read my journal, I am a 'serial relapser' but I always believed in myself to overcome this addiction, even addiction creates the opposite feelings, because when you have a relapse, it feels like impossible to quit, you maybe say yourself "I'm never gonna recover". NO! Yes you CAN. These are all your dopamine starved brain telling you. Especially in rebooting stage, if you did efficiently your brain starts to telling lies. Now immediately think about the life you led until now, and think about how you gonna lead your life in the future. This is urgent because you will never gonna be 20 again. I was desperately checking all porn addiction forums, I was not believing myself enough, I did not fully commit to myself. In general, failures happens because we don't believe in somewhere in our heart. I know what your feeling, I don't want to let you more stress, with this urgency. Take this developing a maturity that you need in your whole life. And if you create this emotional management system right now, you'll have an amazing life. You have all my support.

I hope you a good journey!

 

Good work

 

I don't think it is so much about streaks or the number of days. For me it is about recovery. I spent 25+ years in a PMO habit. One day I had enough. I wrote out my goals and how I wanted to live. Then I made a firm decision to quit. There is no way I am letting something on a computer screen control me. Keep fighting!

 

Five months is super great, but don't fool yourself. It is really only 5 months still. You're not fully recovered. When our addict-self realizes that the old, familiar temptations no longer work on us, he pulls back, regroups, and even comes back like a chess player - thinking 2 to 3 moves ahead, even. For instance, the addict first convinces one that they are recovered and that they do not need their support tools anymore (like nofap). Then, the addict waits till you are having a bad or foggy day, or even a good but lazy day with free time on your hands. Then, the addict strikes with temptation suddenly with all his force (it's really just a spike and a bluff), trying to get you to fall, often hitting a nerve or inner wound that makes you want to P/MO in the first place. Basically, the addict-self draws you away so he can divide further and conquer, that is, if he's not already done so and wants to drag you away to his darkness, the shitty cesspool of relapse. I know these cycles very well. Best wishes, my friend.
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