Our journey

I havnt posted in a few days, I'm completely exhausted and sleep-deprived. Sometimes it feels like I'm gona go insane soon.

My daugther have some sort of sleep regression period right now, so for the past few weeks she refuses to sleep anywhere else then my bed and on good days wakes up 2-3 time a night. And on bad days like today it's every hour. Giving me almost zero sleep, I try to catch up some while se naps during the days but its not enough.

My partner is zero help, and during the weeks that fine since he has to work. But during the weekends he should at least be avalible for support even if he for obvious reasons can't sleep with her. But yea he's version of being avaliable is sleeping on another floor so he hears nothing and saying I can text him if I need help. Like I have time to text when I got a baby to comfort.

And yea this might not be pmo related but I am so fed up with how selfish he is. Becouse on top of the lack of sleep he has thrown d-day upon d-day on me in the last few weeks, doing nothing to deal with that either. So I am emotionally exhausted as f as well.

 

Your reply gives me some hope, that things can change and get better. If he decides to get clean.

Like I said in a previous post I find it harder and harder to see the potential for anything different nowadays, it has been like this for too long.

 

So appart from my more or less rage post about sleep I havnt posted alot lately. I have tried to use the freetime I have to do things I enjoy. I need to stack up on those before another week of no sleep during the nights and the mommy-ness during the days.

These phases babies have can be so intense, and when your in the middle of it they seem endless. Until she just one day sleeps proper and manages to play by herself for more then 30 seconds at a time. It's really like changing a switch. In these phases it would be easier if we accually where two parents, not just two on paper. And i wish I was more of a super mom that could do everything by myself, sometimes I think to myself that if things comes to that point you NEED to be able to do it all. But I still feel that im at my limit. It probably doesn't help that my mom lives so far away, there is no one I can call when its to much things to do or I'm to tired. It's just me.

Regarding my partners adiction we have talked some during the days. He has confessed to a few things, like fantasies, M without O and oogling. There are two things here that bothers me:

First he doenst seem to take fantasize and M as a serious thing, like its something he really needs to stay away from. And i tried to tell him that he committed to no PMO, M included in that. But i still feel like he sees this as a minor thing, basicly anything that isn't P seems to be minor.

Second thing is the oogling, he confessed to for an example not go straight to the highway on hes way to work. But instead detour trough the town to look at girls. And this concerns me alot, becouse i know that alot of the girls hes staring at is under age (under 18). Like basicly any teenager that has female body form would be something he could oogle and fantasize about. This to me feels very unhealthy and also like a path you don't want to go down on. Like do you want to be known as the creepy perv that checks out minors?

Another thing that I have started to see is a pattern in the rule breakings he does. Like relapsing when my mom is here, when our daugther is around, or me. He seems almost drawn to these situations, like it gives him something. Another thing that support this theory is that since I told him that I would prefer if he avoided camgirls, or that type of material he has been more drawn to that aswell.

I can clearly see that hes preferences in P has changed over the years in the direction I have told him not to go. Like camgirls was just a small piece of what he would watch before, main thing being other types of P. Now its almost exclusively the "forbidden" things.

So yea he seems very drawn to what you tell him not to do, and always pushing boundaries almost like he got this need to live on the edge.

Talking to him about this leads nowhere, so I dont know if I'm right or not. But being this stubborn about doing it in the most inappropriate situations and stuff like that must have its root in something.

Lastly I still don't feel a big willingness to change from him. I can't point my finger on exactly why but thats what my gut feeling says.

 

So i got alot on my mind more related to this forum, but i am so preoccupied by the fact that I got a job intervju in two days time. Got an email about it this afternoon. And since this is my general venting wall anyway I might aswell write about it here.

In theory this is great, it would do alot for me, my options and yea its simply just good. Although I havnt gotten the job yet or anything, but its a good thing. And its also a job I have been dreaming about, like the thing I want to do and at the right company. But I am filled with anxiety and do not want it. To put things simply I want to be home with my daugther.

And i might be projecting it onto her but I feel like she isn't ready, I'm the one stable and strong connection she's got. Not just becouse im her mom but becouse we have bonded so much. I defentetly don't feel ready either.

But at the same time it's good for both of us, at least in the long run. So i don't know, I feel very conflicted about it.

And i know I should take it one step at the time, see how the intervju goes if I even get an offer. But not spiraling to thinking about all these other things is hard.

To say something about other things, nights are still a living hell. Last night I didnt get much further then getting into bed, then she had a nightmare. Moved her over to my bed, comforted her for 20 something minutes. Got two hours of sleep, then she was impossible to get to sleep more. So we was up between 1.30 and 5. And again I get frustrated and think that my partner can at least partially help. Like he could go up one hour earlier nights like this and take her one hour before work. I dont think that's totally unreasonable. I can't manage and function on 2-3 hours sleep a night forever.

I'm also frustrated becouse once again he is just comfortable, doing very little to change. And I also suspect that he might not be entirely clean, like i don't know he at least fantazise or M or something.

And like this general attitude he got towards things, he does nothing by he's own will. I'm sure I have mentioned it before but he was addicted to weed, have been clean now for over a year. But just becouse i demand it. Same with managing a job, he does this becouse i expect him to. Not becouse he wants to. And i feel the same attitude with PMO. And if that's the attitude he's gona have, nothing is really gona change. If you do not want it, you can't really achieve it.

And i know that if I would leave all this would fall apart, it did when I worked in another city last year. Thats how much willpower hes got. If he got to choose that the life he would have.

The fact that things comes from my expectations is also a big factor i think in all of the resentment I feel he got towards me. Like I'm the evil one keeping things away from him. And I have felt quite a bit of resentment from hes side in the last few days. That's usually an indicator that he has relapsed or is on the edge of doing so.

And i don't want this responsibility for things, like if you want to change or not is up to you. I do not demand that you stop PMO, what I do demand is that you keep it away from me and our child. And what he wants more there is up for him to decide, if he wants to have a family or if he wants PMO.

The only thing I am responsible for is protecting our child, but that's it. The rest is on him.

Again I feel all over the place, but yea I think thats my thoughts for the day.

 

So again I havnt posted in a while, same thing as before sleep is out of control in this house. New thing is that if she doesn't sleep on my chest she sits up in bed immediately. Don't know if she is awake when she does it, put it wakes her up anyhow. So yea posting here tends to loose a bit of priority even tho I know it's good for me.

As usual I got alot on my mind, work and not being enough is one of those things. First interview went well, gona see this week if I get a call back to a second one. But I also got the news that if I want this job I need to start October 1st, period. No discussion there. And this is a problem, we/I need the money and the stability this job would bring. But my daugther isn't old enough for daycare, and she isn't ready either. Like sleeping and eating routines and things like that isnt really up to level with preschool.

The natural thing here would be that my partner stayed home with her, since he's job is less stable and would provide less money. But this is a no go, it would not go well with PMO. At all. So I need to be home, and work at the same time. Hence the feeling of not being enough. I can't do everything. So yea this stresses me alot.

And more fun things in my life, I caught my partner pre-relapse I guess you could call it. He was browsing trough gifs on messenger, a thing he has done before as psub. Now as far as I could see he didn't search for anything in particular, like clearly seeking out psubs. My guess is that he hoped that he would find something without putting in searchwords that would get him caught.

But since he did not find anything he does not consider this a relapse or addiction type behavior. And i would not call scrolling trough gifs idle browsing as he does, like its not something a "normal" person would do. They would perhaps read the news, look at games or whatever other interest they got on internet.

So he has been very defensive about this, and i am really really fed up with this behavior. This refusing to acknowledge mistakes, not admitting to a release unless I can point directly at the P. It's defiance, immature and again points towards this recentment i have talked about before. And honestly I do not stand it, this more then the P and psubs itself makes me want to throw him out.

And once again I find myself in a place where I want to hurt back, to punish this behavior. Not the best mindset to have I know, but i can't help it. But that brings the question of how do you react in a situation like this? I find myself short on answers on that one.

Another very contributing factor to this issue is that he usually gets to the 1-2 week mark on staying sober, long enough to start acting out becouse he's in withdrawal. But then never makes it over to the other side. Either he acts out like this for a day or five, but end result it always a relapse. And I feel like i could put up with the withdraw and the acting out if it led somewhere. But when it always ends the same, in a never ending circle I loose my patience. Like why should I put up with this behavior?

So yea I don't know, I find myself with alot of questions and few answers at the moment.

 

I started this post last night but didn't get to finish it:

So i had some small form of breakdown last night, between all the crap my partner does and the lack of sleep for weeks something broke. I was trying to comfort our daugther when she woke up around midnight, she spend an hour screaming at me and biting me (biting is a new thing to do when you don't want to sleep). I gave up took her up and was up with her to around 03 in the morning.

And yea normaly I'm very patient in general and especially with our daugther. But last night I got angry, I didn't do anything but I dont get angry. Even if she bites me and pull all sort of crazy tricks I stay calm. So this is not me. And I can see it coming from being to overwhelmed with everything that is going on.

Taking d-day upon d-day, fight after fight. Although we do not fight properly, which is also a contributing factor. I bust him, he walls up and when I get angry he bails. And basicly wait it out and then try to normalize the situation. Act like nothing happend and that i don't hate hes guts for what he have done.

I don't know, it's messy and exhausting and I dont like that it affect my daugther. Like not only in regards to my patience with her, but like after a d-day it takes me a few days to return to the normal me. The normal me that accually enjoys playing with her, find out fun activities for us two to do and stuff like that. I am less engaging i guess.

And i don't like that someone else (my partner) takes that away from me and especially our daugther. Even more so when he isn't putting in a great effort to be a present and reliable dad. Like if I am having an of day he is not there to compensate. Its really the opposite, I spend most of my time compensating for the fact that he is absent. Trying to be two parents in one.

To talk about another topic I sence another storm on the horizon. And for this I accually blame this forum, there was a post a few days ago about using nofap as a p-sub. Great thing to inform addicts about (i feel like facepalming when i see that post). And yea since he saw that post i can see tendencies that he is drawn to journals with explicit content.

Which is my other question? Why the f does people have a need to describe things they have done with their partners or others like its a sex novel. How does that help anyone? Including the person writing it.

And yea like i said i knew the moment i saw that post that this would be an issue. I'm not just sure how to tackle it. If I should wait a bit and see how it plays out, or if I should point it out straight away.

 

So first of still an exhausted mess, sleep regression, tantrums, betrayal trauma, stress about the future etc. And im not coping great, it seems like whenever I get myself up a step something new always happens. So yea like i said i am a mess.

The thing I talked about the other day, I was right. He confessed without much trubble, but hadn't seen the issue himself. Thought he had a good day where he had been dealing with hes addiction great. And yea when you feed it in one way its easy to stay away from the rest, like oogling and stuff. I dont think I took alot of damage by this incident, didn't get those panicky feelings I usually do. But the lack of insight and self control on hes side bothers me.

Something I have been wanting to talk about for some time but never find the time, or more importantly courage to speak about is the fact that i feel trapped. I know I have talked around it, but I have not said it straight up that I feel trapped in this relationship. And I won't go into specifics about why I feel like that now, it partially feels to personal and it would also take alot of time. But yea, no human i think like feeling trapped. It's in our nature to fight that i think. So yea I want freedom, at least be free enough to stay becouse i want to. Not becouse i have to. And this need for freedom is really intense.

Another thing, also somewhat related to that is that having no sexlife sucks. And im not saying that I want to go and sleep around with everyone, but I dont like being stuck in a sexless relationship. Yea I made it one, but its him keeping it that way. And he gets hes fixes and sexual needs met elsewhere. But I am supposed to be fine like this, forever it also seems like.

Like I said I know I made it that way, back then becouse i didn't want to be used as a p-sub. Becouse that what our sexlife was, without going into details but It was all about him. I was just being used. Now however I don't find him attractive, not look wise but regarding pmo. I do not find a partner that fantizies about pretty much every other women an attractive partner. For me this is a huge turn of. I want someone loyal, that wants me for me. Not just becouse im the one avalibe.

Again i feel a bit messy in my post, but like stated above I am a mess so perhaps it's fitting.

 

So i wasn't gona post anything today, I felt to exhausted. But here I am, awake with to much anxiety to sleep. I'm stressed for many reasons, biggest thing atm is that I havnt heard back from the job intervjue yet. And yea I'm insecure about accepting it but I would at least like the offer.

It would also feel like such a huge failure if I didn't get it, i got alot of experience in that branch and good references. And in the group intervju thing we did i was the only one with previous experience in that field of work. I dont know, if I can't get a job in the business I have been working in for the past few years what good am I?

And maybe I'm to full of myself but I do not want to resort to other options, where we live its either to work at a factory or healthcare. And yea Healthcare would be the obvious choice, im just a few classes short of being not nurse (not sure what it's called in english, but like sub-nurse, caregiver perhaps). So if I read up on that i would have a education that would always be needed and sought after.

But it's really something I don't want to do, and I don't look down on either factory workers or caregivers. Not at all, I just know that neither of those things would make me happy. I'm intellectual, I want challenges, problem solving not a routine based job. And I feel like I'm whining over nothing, a job is a job and providing for my family is good. Its just the feeling of knowing it would make me miserable, like I would never achieve anything.

But perhaps it's like i said, I got to much ego and should just accept things. I dont know.

Being this stressed and emotional also triggers my betrayal trauma, and it was a reply to someone's post here that made me spiral. I think it was something about why that SO stayed with her partner, that she must be damaged and so on. And that really took me down a rabbit hole.

Becouse yea I know I'm very f-ed up, or damage if you would call it that. But in my mind at least im past that, or more truthfully as past it as I can. I'm not haunted by my past, I don't let it affect me in my current life. At least not knowingly. What bothers me the most about it is not what I went through, its what I missed. I never got to have a normal childhood...but thats a bit besides the point.

But yea the rabbit hole, so I know why I stay now. I have talked about it alot. But what keeps haunting me is why I stayed in the beginning.

Thinking back, I remember being so miserable just weeks into moving in with my partner. I found the pmo stuff quite quick, and I knew that it was a problem just not to the scale that it is. But beyond that, he treated me like human trash. I was good for money, and wouldn't take no for an answer. If he and he's friend wanted to get high I had to pay, if I questioned that he got angry. And for the rest of it, my existence seemed to be a plague to him. He lashed out so many times at he for just being in the same room as him. I remember accually hiding in a corner, in a chair watching netflix on a laptop just not to bother him. But even that someday was to annoying to him.

And I remember in really dark and miserable moments that I wanted to leave. But by then he had blown trough all the money I had. So I saw that as an issue, or perhaps something to hide behind. And maybe this is where my "damage" plays in, becouse i didn't have a family to return to. A parent to call and ask for help. My dad has never really been interested in being my dad, being absent for almost my entire life. Unless you count the text and calls with excuses for why he can't see me or can't afford a birthday gift.

And me and my mom wasn't speaking during that time, she chose my stepdads side in everything that went down when I was kicked out and then in court. So for many years we didn't speak at all. We reconnect during my grandfathers funeral a few years back, the first time ever she stood up for me against my stepdad. (Not that is super relevant but my partner decided to bail on that funeral for no real reason, also really hurtful. Becouse i didn't want to face my abuser alone). But yea since then we have slowly worked our way back to a normal ish relationship, big contributioning factor is that she divorced my stepdad aswell.

But I dont know, with all the answers its still not enough. I'm crafty enough that I should have been able to leave then if I wanted to. So why didn't I?

And i am ashamed to admit it, but i loved him so much that I was desperately hoping that he would love me back. Maybe that's damage to i dont know.

What i do know though is that no one should treat someone like he treated me, but i should not have accepted it either.

So yea, alot of guilt and shame for doing that to myself.

 

So the rabbit hole thing yesterday didn't stop, my mind went over and over times where I have felt like I was nothing but an annoyance to him (can't find a better word) and i felt alone and miserable.

One obvious time is during the labor, and the time before it when I was sick. But that is actually not one of the most painful memories, perhaps becouse i was used to it by then. There is another incident that i remember very well that still hurts alot.

I had, directly translated from Swedish is called winter-puke-sickness. It's really weird to see it in English, but yea it's a super strong stomach virus that you usually get during the winter months. And it can be so strong that you need to be hospitalized, i didn't but the point is its not your average stomach flu.

So i was feeling sick in the morning, throwed up a few times, and then things escalated pretty quickly. High fever, if I didnt puke it came out the other way. And the cramps I had in my stomach when I puked was so strong that I couldn't keep it in ( to be more precise and im not proud to say it, I shit myself). And with the high fever (that I couldn't get down becouse no painkiller would stay in my system long enough to work), the exastion of having thrown up more or less all day i ended up laying on the bathroom floor coverd in a bit of everything.

And the shower was downstairs, and it seemed impossible to get there. I didn't even have the strength to get up from the floor. So I called my partner, crying, becouse i felt so miserable. Wanting comfort firsthand, and i also asked him if he please could come home to help me. He had a 15 minutes drive home, and all I wanted was some help to get into the shower and clean clothes.

Yea he did come home, but he made very clear that I was bothering him before he even got home. He got irritated that I wanted or needed something from him. And he wasn't any nicer when he got home. Sure he helped me, but again made clear that this was just annoying. Then went back to work.

And when he got home, he helped me make a bed on the sofa closest to the toilet. And then went upstairs, gaming or pmoing or both, and then slept there. Leaving me alone downstairs the entire night.

That is one of the loneliest moments I have had in our relationship. Not only was I alone, but i also felt sooo rejected. I needed him and that just made me annoying, iretating and something he wanted to get rid of.

A part of me wishes that I never saw that other post, becouse i try to avoid these rabbit holes of selfdubt, and memories of what have happend. I want to move forward not look backwards. But yea that statement about that you are damaged if you stay with an addict really triggerd me.

 

With nowhere better to turn i thought i might aswell write here, don't really have anyone else to talk to. So besides all this pmo mess, I suspect I might be having a small midlife crisis or something.

Like the rant about work the other day, not having heard back yet really eats away at me and my confidence. It might be stupid, but I have worked in logistics for a few years now and its something I really like. Something I could see myself doing long term. And maybe not getting a job in that branch hurts, and considering where I live there isn't really gona be any more operturnities.

There are two big employers, the one I used to work for it a shitty employer to put things mildly. But its work anyway, but since I more or less got fired for my preclampsia (I wasn't technically fired they just didn't renew the contract) and then was ghosted by my boss when I needed work certificate for future unemployment payment, and other things I needed for my maternity leave i don't see them taking me back. And yea like i said shifty employers but its at least work in the field i desire.

The other one is new to me, I have worked in one of there sibbeling corporations in a another city. Really loved that place, everything the other employers wasn't, they where. And yea I really thought I had a decent chance at this job. Now after not hearing back I am filled with dubts.

And like i have said before, I really want to achieve something with my life. Being a writer, again something I have posted about before is the main one. But that seems sooo unachievable. Other stupid dreams is to perhaps take my hobbie, sewing baby clothes and do something with that. Also feels like something I wouldn't achieve either but.

I guess I want to leave my mark in this world, however small and have a job that I find somewhat fulfilling.

And i hate to admit it but working in a factory or as a caregiver and provide for my daugther so she can have a better life isn't enough for me. Perhaps that makes me a bad person i don't know. I guess I just in an ideal world would want us both to be somewhat happy. And not totally sacrifice my own hopes and dreams.

Becouse yea, I have always been that kind of person with alot of hopes and dreams. Of what i want to become, learn and do. And i feel like i got none of that left.

 

So i thought i should post something today, and im sure it's gona be a messy post again. I'm a bit all over the place these days.

First of, I decided to be a man of action, or well woman. Get things done, sorted out somewhat. I reached out to the company I had an intervju with, politely asking if I had been cut out since they said they where gona give notice last week but didn't. Havnt heard back yet, but that's all I can do on my part.

Then I reached out to our local i guess you could call it community College, to see what i could do regarding becoming a licensed caretaker. That didn't go exactly as planed, there are more obstacles then i anticipated. Fun thing is though that it only made me more determined to get this education. But on more reasonable terms then they offered. So im gona keep at that.

I also have seem to find a bit of a solution to my daugthers sleeping problems, back side of that is that I go to be with her....at 19.30. Less fun. But she sleeps way better when im here with her. So ill take that one, only thing that sucks is the lack of freetime.

But even if I had freetime i don't feel motivated to do the things I enjoy. Rarely happens that I do but still. I got this feeling of everything around me crushing me. There is to much I need to do, fix and overcome. And life feels like a boat that just keeps taking in water no matter how much I patch it up. I feel really overwhelmed, and sometimes question if its all worth it.

And yes I know in theory that it is, I just can't feel it. All I feel is that every day is a battle that im losing.

All i want is a break, something to go my way for once. Like give me one piece and I will fix the rest.

Now this just feels like a pitty party so I'm gona stop here i think.

 

So today might be a bit different, I have realized a few things about myself, and about my flaws.

First of i can admit at this point that I am depressed, like I have felf down, had moodswings, being angry for a few minutes to then almost crying the next. But the big realization was when a friend pointed out that when he is depressed he gets very hard on himself, and feels very alone. And I dont know, if you have read my last few post that's exactly what I am.

I am dubting myself, my decisions, questioning my self worth being hard on my self in almost every way I can. And yea like i have said before I feel terribly alone, heartachingly so. This situation, with a partner that is an addict is a lonely way to live. But when I give up on myself, turn on myself even I make it even more alone.

I have also realized that pride might be one of my biggest flaws, being rejected for a job hurts. But I think it hurt me more becouse im prude, like I have worked my ass of and it didn't pay of is what I take in. Having my ego and pride take the punch. When it could be factors like that i have a 10 months old baby perhaps that got in my way, like for an employer that screams alot of sick days or time of becouse daycare is closed etc. But i didn't see that perspective. Now I don't know if that's the case, and I might never find out. But yea a more humble approach next time might be better.

Also related to pride is the depression, I see it as a weakness, that I am to prude to admit. I dont want to be weak, I dont want to be that selfpittying girl I was all those years ago. I feel shame for who I was and how I reacted to the trauma in my childhood. I want to be strong, but strong doesn't mean I have to be this harsh on myself. Or carry this amount of pride. Its okey to have your weak moments aswell.

I feel like i need a plan to get back on track, and away from the things that is crushing me at the moment. And I wish I had someone to talk to that about, to help me make that plan. Outside perspective is something i need i think, but i dont know where to turn.

First part of the plan is work, or education, i need to get a reliable source of income. Well everyone does, but for me it feels crucial. I'm working on one idea right now, i got a meeting next week to see if what I want is possible. But again I could use someone to brainstorm ideas with. But in lack of that i put my faith in the plan I got so far.

All i know is that i will never stop trying, no matter how painful things will get.

 

Thank you for reaching out! And i just wanted to say that you are never alone in what you are feeling. Reaching out like you did is the best thing to break the depression and isolation. Something im less good at, I tend to isolate and let my depression fester when it get really hard.

Also, I read a bit of your journal and I find your insight in how to tackle your emotions inspiring. Like the questions you ask yourself in your post is a great way to connect with your feelings i think.

And lastly congratulations on being on day 84? If i remember correctly