What my cowardice and porn addiction has cost me:

I started using porn seventh or eight grade. At that time it was limited too pornographic photographs that I downloaded from the internet at the school computer and brought home on a floppy drive. Sometime in my first year of high school my parents got broadband internet and a little later a WiFi access point. After that I was hooked and often used porn several times a day.

In my second year of high school I got a girlfriend, and eight months later my girlfriend broke up our relationship. While I do not fully blame porn on ending my first relationship it certainly played a part in it. When we got physical I was not really intimate with her, instead I was role-playing a porno using her as a prop and always pushing her to go all the way. When we did so I had performance issues because I was used to a different kind of stimulation and because I was not in the moment with her, but in my head. This resulted in a lot of awkwardness and while she put up with me behaving this way for a while, she eventually got frustrated with my sexual eagerness and following impotence. She now has three kids with another guy she started dating a year later. I found out because they were making out publicly on the street. The image of them making out all that time ago is still vivid in my mind. In hindsight my following reaction was retarded. I went straight over to another girl that I had been flirting with and proceeded to make out with her for a couple of hours. I used sex to fill and patch over the hole in my heart, that I felt from seeing the woman I loved in the arms of another man. It did not really work though. What really bothers me is that, her three kids could have been my family and my kids. Instead I got lots of orgasms by my self watching other people have sex for money and a broken heart at 18.

My other relationships have been few and far in-between, just two to be exact. Those have been short term flings, probably because I went for having sex with the women above building a relationship with them. There were other opportunities, but I lacked the willpower to follow trough and make them mine. I also started used porn to soothe myself. Whenever I were stressed, angry or sad I would use porn to make the feelings go away. Because of that I did not got over my first girlfriend breaking up with me, and I did not learn to deal with stress, anxiety or other bad feelings properly. Instead I would numb myself using porn. I think this also contributed to my failure in my chosen profession. I did complete the police academy, but I was miserable in the field training in the second year, because I could not deal with the stress of the job. I now work the graveyard shift as a security guard for much less pay and status.

I've been a introvert for as long as I can remember and rarely had any friends. Whenever a acquaintance or potential friend gets too close I find that I distance myself from them. I think my porn addiction contributes to this because I have that as a "dark secret" that anyone would be disgusted by if they found out about it. And of course there is all the time and energy that is wasted on something that is evil. I'm 31 years old now, and the opportunity cost of that time and energy is truly immense.

I realized all this a few days ago, when I for some reason did not use porn to numb my feelings when I was stressed out. I remember thinking to myself: "I don't care how much it hurts, I don't want to do this anymore." Then I prayed for God to give me the strength do the right thing and to not sin anymore. After that I lay awake in my bed the whole night unable too sleep. I felt all the pain and regret I should have felt back when my girlfriend broke up with me and all the time and opportunities that I have fapped away.

So in summary, porn addiction has cost me:
1) My high school girlfriend and a potential family with her.
2) At least two other relationships.
3) A unknown number of opportunities to get a girlfriend.
4) Emotional maturity.
5) Friends.
6) A lot of time and energy.
7) A career as a police officer.
8) My 20s.

 

Thank you both for your kind words.

I have not had to struggle against any tempations so far, but I'm only 5 days in and my resolve is still very strong. For me I think complacency is the greatest danger. If I start tinking along the line of "It's not that important", "one more time won't matter" or "I'll just have a litte look" I know that I am in big trouble. The way I see it is that any wavering will only result in a metaphorical slide down the slippery slope that only ends one way.