Attracted to young boys since 12y/o

This is beyond my scope of measure in ways that I can help you. You can only do so much in a virtual setting. But I'm glad you identified these things. Keep this in mind, make a mental note of it, read it over- it will help you in the future.
As for something, cute, small and weak, can/need to be protected, I mean.. sounds like a domesticated dog can fulfill all three. I'm only joking... but not really.

I also read you don't know what real love is, haven't felt it, etc. something like that. That really is super sad. The worst part is the truth. Love isn't a feeling, it's an an office. A process. Something that exists between a noun and a verb... Something like a system that's only true in its purity and something else entirely when corrupted by selfish gain.
You want to know what love feels like? Find someone you can't stand, even better if you can't stand each other and it's not a secret. Sit down and think about what that person needs in their life right now. Maybe they need some help with groceries this month, or their car broke down, or you notice they wear the same busted, tired shoes every day. And do something nice. Buy them some groceries, help them out with a car payment or buy them a new pair of shoes. It doesn't even have to be monetary. Get creative. The thing is, when you do it- you should feel good about it, it should give you joy. If it feels like an obligation, like a job, you don't wanna do it and you're only doing it because I told you to- you won't know what love is.
I don't blame you if you don't understand. And I'm not saying this because I think I'm better than anyone, but a lot, if not a substantial majority of people don't know how to operate in love. They don't know how to choose it. (Again with choice, as love is a choice, if you continue talking to me- which I'm sure you're tired of- you'll see this is a rec-curing theme lol).

I don't know man. I'm not a licensed therapist. I personally believe that you don't need a sterile, institutional injection for every problem you have. I didn't need a therapist to fully cure my hocd, etc. But hey, maybe that's just me. I don't think I'm that special, but, you know... lol. Personally, the way I see things, the answers to our problems are closer than we think.....

It's definitely these that stand out to me, cuz like i said, if you want something cute, innocent, small and vulnerable, just get a dog. I mean, that's why everyone loves dogs or whatever, amirite? Personally, animals are not my cup of tea, but anyway....

Do these stand out to you too? I'd encourage you to find answers on why this is? Are you happy with your getting pleasure from something you know is perverted?
We're two years apart in age, so it's not like I don't know what it's like to be a twenty-something in this world. Why do you relate to pubescent characters on an emotional, sexual and -most alarmingly- spiritual level? I don't know... And my guy... as for the obsession with ur old crush... I actually think I can relate to that and I'll tell you, but can you answer if you know what they look like now? Do you think you have unrealistic expectations of this guy?

 

Love is something I don't understand, I can like something, but loving it is out of my field, I think it was Roady that said it, I search shotacon for comfort from a lack of fatherly love.
I understand that analogy, I've seen it many times in Buddhist books and speeches. About dogs, I have three, you just can't kiss, or talk with a dog, but the concept is real, it's a good relief or replacement for a spiritual need.

 

I had his Line number, he was still cute and weak, but I have unrealistic expectations of what our relationship would be, considering my current situation, and the way I treated him, it would be impossible to fall in love.
Spiritually, because I feel connected to a child's worries, lack of love, there are many thoughts and actions adults do, I just can't relate to, I don't get why they drink, party, smoke, I'd rather fight or run. I never lost some of my teenager characteristics

 

Is your father dead? If not, there may still be hope in that area? I get searching out these things in replacement for fatherly love... I did the same exact thing. Probably worse since I went through all the in-person stuff. And boy, was it gross. But you won't find what you're really looking for through all that. I'm sorry, but you just won't.
I don't know. I have a lot of issues with my own father. And a part of me is actually really hard on him and is quick to despise him. I'm very "tough" on the guys in my life in general. I expect us to be logical and strong and brave, etc. I have to remind myself that I also make mistakes to in order humanize them, right? Sorry if I came across as demanding earlier.
Do you think maybe you haven't humanized your childhood crush? That he's smelly, shed hairs, eats his scabs, farts a lot, takes rancid shits, tastes his boogers, is probably really annoying, chews on his toenails? Like any other male?
Also, drinking, partying, and smoking are all forms of escapism. The process or dependency isn't very different that yours with shota. It's not an adult thing at all. It only seems that way because of the age restrictions. But when you're like me and you've been drinking, partying and smoking since sixteen, it gets really old fast and you start to look down on grown 30... 40 yr old adults who still go clubbing, drinking, getting drunk and unruly at bars; I have a tendency to call them losers in my head, as if they're beneath me, like "wow, you still haven't gotten this out of your system?" Which is wrong, I know that. I'm no better than anyone, everyone grows at their own rate...
I know this might be a bad idea, but why don't you just message him? Like why don't you just reach out to him and apologize for the way you treated him when you guys were younger? It's probably better if you do it over the phone, too. Like a voice chat. I promise you, he probably won't freak out about it. I almost wish I could spend a day and kick it with my high school bully. Like catch up and have a heart to heart. It'd be funny to me. I never resented him, but then again I was a tough kid so maybe it was different for me.
I mean... you might not get the eros love you're looking for, but I think it may still teach you a lesson. You know, we all have to grow up, right? I know this might sound harsh but maybe you don't feel love because you spend all your time thinking about yourself and your own wants and needs instead of the needs of others around you. As a child we can afford to be selfish, but you're twenty-four- my age, and this isn't normal, which I'm sure you know, but it's why I say maybe you have arrested development, you know? I get it... I really do, and I know I can come across as harsh in my writing but I promise if I could speak this to you, you would hear my compassion. Do you have self esteem issues? Like maybe you think you're ugly? I'm sorry I'm asking all these questions- I'm not trying to fix you I'm just really interested in who you are as a person and I feel really compassionate towards you right now.

 

He isn't, I very clearly use shota because it numbs my pain, and it satisfies my needs. With my father, it's that he wasn't very present in my life, but there's still time to talk, I will try to meet with him and talk about it. With my crush, I don't have contact with him anymore, but I'll try to get in contact with him.
Yes, I have self esteem issues, I (In my mind, at least) am ugly, a virgin, and I tend to be very bold

For that specific problem, I want to solve it myself, but with all the others, I will be meeting a therapist. I joined a SA group on Facebook, I will seek others with my problem there

 

Update: I got my old crush's number
I'm going to message him later today, it's very early. To be honest, I didn't even remember his name.
I'll write how it goes

 

Nice going...
Just remember to manage your expectations... don't be afraid to be honest...

 

I wanted to apologize for what I did, and try to create a friendship, but what I'd like is a romantic relationship, I just think it's not possible

I will! I'm trying to not think about him sexually, but as a person

 

Alright so, I messaged him and he responded.
I introduced and apologized, I tried to be careful and respectful, but I'm not good with words.
I'll update when he responds!

 

I hope I haven't confused you, but I've gotta move on. I miscalculated. My concern is with your soul. I see the direction that you're going in, and I should've known better. It's clear that you want what you want. I can't encourage homosexuality, because I've been there, done that, and I know it's a dead end. But you don't have to take my word for it. You're free to see for yourself.

Listen... whatever happens, if/when you find yourself in a ditch, just know that Christ Jesus died to set you free of your sins- all these things that you know are causing you torment, but yet you choose it, over and over again. He died to save you from yourself. If you wanna know love and freedom- there it is- there He is; love in its most pure form that walked this Earth in a suit of flesh.

My hope is that you find freedom. God bless and goodbye.

 

Preach! This post is fuckin' amazing.

 

"Just keep your hands out of your pants"

I'm sorry if I didn't express myself correctly, I'm not trying to engage romantically/sexually with him, I only wanted to apologize to him for all the trouble I caused. I am not trying to exploit him, or use him for emotional support.
Thank you for your concern, I think that I didn't choose the correct words.
I'd like to begin praying, and I go to church whenever I can't endure anymore, I want to solve my problems, not deepen the hole. I'm sorry for the trouble.