Is it normal that I've never had a gf at 30 y/o?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Belching_Booch, Sep 15, 2020.

  1. Belching_Booch

    Belching_Booch Fapstronaut

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    So my dad who lives overseas likes busting my balls every once in a while. He sent me a whatsapp message about an hour ago talking shit about how I'm not doing anything with my life, how I don't have a gf at my age, and how I'm inconsistent, etc.

    My dad never respected me or the fact that I deal with depression and anxiety. He's a very "old school" blowhard and doesn't live grounded in reality. He thinks just because HE was successful in the 80s and 90s means that I should be doing the same. Thing is I had to drop out of college when I was 19 bec he decided to move the family out of the US. I stayed behind found a job, an apartment, and busted my ass for ten years in order to make ends meet. Yes I haven't progressed much but I also haven't been given any opportunities. I've had some casual hookups during this time, but no gf. I'm not super outgoing to begin with and I was never able to click with a girl for anything more than sex (even those experiences have been limited).

    For the first time in my life I'm now focusing on bettering MYSELF and trying to get out of this pit. Been working hard on quitting pmo, been hitting the gym hard, been looking into possible careers, etc. Making moves I should've made years ago with the intention of making it easier for me 5-10 years from now. I don't wanna be 40 with nothing going. Would I like to have a gf at some point? Sure, but now is not the time. Is it really that WEIRD that I'm not dating a girl? What would I gain from it now? Sex and what else? Nothing.

    Why do people value their entire lives based on their relationship status? It's all my friends too... I guess sometimes I do feel a bit like a loser bec I haven't slept with many girls, but I also know that I need to fix many areas of my life first.
     
  2. KailianuOf831

    KailianuOf831 Fapstronaut

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    I don’t think it’s weird that you haven’t had a gf at 30 years old. Then again this is coming from a 28-year old Christian who struggles with homosexuality and has never dated anyone in his life either. But i know others in real life who have never dated and they’re in their 30s too. Bro I think it’s amazing that you’re here TODAY deciding to make a better life and future for yourself because that’s all that really matters. And, in fact, that’s ALL we really have: the present moment and what we decide to do with the time that is given to us. It doesn’t matter all the fck ups we had in the past and comparing ourselves to who people think we should be—there’s only one of YOU and you matter and you are valuable and important. I believe in you!
     
  3. skibum71

    skibum71 Fapstronaut

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    Well, yes and no. Most people would have had some kind of partner at 30. Then again 'most' people think sitting on your arse watching crap on Netflix stuffing your face with crap is a perfectly acceptable use of your free time.
    There's a lot to be said for the bachelor life. Doing what you want, when you want is a joy if you make the most of it. My best mate, married, works hard all week, we talk on Saturday i ask him his plans...always the same thing "oh (my wifes) brother in laws next door neighbour is having a bbq and we said we'd go..." he is constantly doing shit he doesn't want to do. He asks me? Well Im going to the market, buy some stuff, stop for a coffee or 2, spend some time in the kitchen cooking something nice, go for a mountain bike ride, play my guitar etc...you get my point.
    Don't feel pressured to get in a relationship just because its expected of you by others. Fuck em. Live life according to YOUR goals.
    You seem like you have other priorities at the moment, that's good, pursue those goals and keep moving forward :)
     
  4. Pretty normal in this Age. In truth in 30 years virginity at 30 will be the true normality. In an Age where scroll your Fb home and chat (Passive) is more important than Dialogate, Talk, Laugh, love, etc..in real life. This is result of digitalization, but is only my opinion, wh at i see in real life. No one is so lucky to live like the Amish or the American Natives/Indians
     
    Mo1989 likes this.
  5. theMotivator

    theMotivator Fapstronaut

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    The question is not what your dad does or doesn't do, but have you done everything in your power to find yourself a wife, to build a family. If you have not done anything, then you have to, because years will pass and you will find yourself old and still waiting.

    If you have done everything, then keep on trying, don't stop.
    You have to think about the purpose of finding a wife. It's not for pleasure or anything. It's to build a family and raise children, who will continue, what you have started, or fix, what you have not fixed.

    I'm 23, and I still don't have a wife. I really understand that I have to find her, but I just feel like the situation now doesn't allow me to do it.
     
  6. Belching_Booch

    Belching_Booch Fapstronaut

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    Not sure if I even want to get married. I feel like marriage isn't the way to go in today's society. I also don't trust most women.
     
  7. TIMMY0110

    TIMMY0110 Fapstronaut

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    What you say is somewhat true, Movies and social media has created unrealistic expectations about weddings and fairy tale endings. There is nothing wrong is getting married, but many married people are unhappy because they had unrealistic expectations from their partners. This expectation is because of the over sexualised consumer society that we are living in.

    Till the 19th century marriage was never about love and romance, its main intention was to havea structure to create and sustain a family.

    I am soon to be 27 years old, I will not get married till my late 30s (if I ever get married). I have decided to be single till I have achieved my career goals and financial goals. Some of the happiest people are single people (happiness is a state of mind nothing to do with relationship status)

    Don't compare yourself with your married friends. A woman dating value is her looks, a man's dating value is success. Pursue success, women will come easily. Pursue women..she will soon leave you once she finds a successful guy
     
  8. Belching_Booch

    Belching_Booch Fapstronaut

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    Great advice! Thank you.
     
  9. luke775

    luke775 Fapstronaut

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    This is going to be a long post but I think I can be of some help. I won't sugarcoat anything and will give you my honest opinion, in the best interest of helping you of course :) I'm also not the best writer but if you read it all i'm sure you'll understand my points.

    I'll try answer your question and hopefully give you some useful advice but I'm only 19 and so I'm not too credited to be giving advice to a 30 year old. However, I relate to everything you say. I've never had a Girlfriend either and have only had sex once when I was 16, The first few times we tried I suffered from ED and have been scared to have sex again as most girls my age are very experienced and I'm scared of being embarassed or not being able to get it up again. This affects me a lot, I feel like everything I do revolves around trying to have sex or get a gf because my friends all have gf's and are having sex all the time. My dad sounds a lot like your Dad too, he's very hardstyle and i'm pretty sure he thinks i'm gay because I haven't had a gf yet.

    I think there's a lot of pressure from society to achieve certain "milestones" such as: getting a gf, getting married, going to college, retiring etc by a certain age. And I've always believed that stuff to be quite stupid. I think when it's put into perspective, these societal norms are quite silly really. If you think about it, we only get one life and I wouldn't waste your precious time on worrying about how much sex you've had or whether you've had a gf. I think relationships are important, but if you're not ready then trust yourself and do what you want. I've wasted the past 3 years of my life trying to find suitable girls for me just so I could have sex again so I didn't feel like a loser for not having it all the time. In these 3 years, i'd get drunk when i didn't want to, was thinking of paying for sex (yes i'm serious), and looking back on it now, i literally wasted 3 of my teenage years trying to fit into my fathers and societys expectations of me. It sound so stupid to me now that I worried about that stuff, you have one life here on Earth (my belief) and I think you'd regret wasting it on expectations other people have of you if that's not what you really want to do.

    This is going to sound generic but I think in the end it's about what you truly want to do. If you want to better yourself, do that. If you WANT to have sex or have a gf, do that. But don't do that because there is pressure from society or from your dad, do it because that's what you want and that's what will make you happy. If there was no pressure from your dad and no pressure from society and no one could ever find out how much sex you'd had or if you'd had a gf, would you still want it? Or do you just want it due to the pressure.

    I'm not the best at getting my point across but I hope this can atleast help a little bit and put it into perspective for you :)
     
    Erick lensor likes this.
  10. Mo1989

    Mo1989 Fapstronaut

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    Be what you want to be not what others want you to be. But if you seek success people will seek you and everyone wants to enjoy the company of a successful person.
     
  11. Caerulea

    Caerulea Fapstronaut

    It's not really normal... but being atypical in some respect or another isn't always a bad thing. I think it's great that you're taking the time to better yourself; if/when you decide to become romantically involved with someone, it puts you in a better position to attract healthier partners and maintain a long-term relationship.

    There will be people who'll judge you for not being married or having a lack of relationship experience - but no matter what you do or don't do in your life, there will be people who'll judge you for it. It sounds like you know what you want/need to do with your life right now, so just do that. Everyone has their own priorities and values, and grows in their own time. If your friends are true friends, they will support you doing what you feel is best for you.
     
  12. Niborant

    Niborant Fapstronaut

    What about just going on some dates arranged on a dating website? Just for a change. If they are a 'disaster' you can always just acknowledge it with the woman and amicably part there and then. If they fizzle out, at least you got something out of it - a good meal, a half decent movie - and experienced it in a new way. Always rewarding. No need to make such a big deal out of it if it doesn't amount to anything. Although maybe you might just get something more permanent out of it. If you both want to. Who knows?
     
  13. Hey, i am 31y old and never have a girlfriend (fear of commitment, niceguy, no passion, etc.), but im am gonna work on it . Everytime when a girl reject me it gonna make me stronger, because i have more time for me to take my life to the next level and it feels good inside. I have a good quote for you bro: "You´re gonna be happy" says life "but first I´ll make you strong." Best regards
     
  14. maxmayer

    maxmayer Fapstronaut

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    It's not necessary to have relationship too early but I guess if you're a good guy you will find a good girl soon
     
  15. MexFighter

    MexFighter Fapstronaut

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    Hey, a woman speaking here. I'm 28 yo and I've never had a boyfriend.. actually I just had my first kiss the last year :emoji_sweat_smile: I was dating a guy for the first time ever and we kissed once but I did a trip overseas and then we just let it.
    I think in my case is that I know if I date a guy I want a serious relationship and I know Ill need to be clear and honest with him and tell about my adiccion/recovery.. so I just avoid dates.
    I feel free to talk with ppl about my journey but talking about it with a date? It scares me..
    So I guess is fine if isn't your time now! Keep focus in became a better person..
    There's not a "right time"!
    Saludos!
     
  16. ThePeakWae

    ThePeakWae Fapstronaut

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    I would advice against it, you can get "catfished".

    Most of the stuff you get from dating websites and apps like Tinder, is bad, like really bad, if you dont watch out.
     
  17. ThePeakWae

    ThePeakWae Fapstronaut

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    I´d say if you are a "social butterfly", or a Chad or Tyrone, you wont have problems in that area, thing is if you are into early relationships, you gotta take into consideration that they may also break very early as well.
     

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