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Waiting until marriage to have sex is ruining me

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by broccoli_farmer_420, Sep 11, 2020.

  1. broccoli_farmer_420

    broccoli_farmer_420 New Fapstronaut

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    I am in a committed relationship with my girlfriend of over a year. Along the way, she started to believe in what I believe in, God and Christianity. This is clearly a major positive for us now and in the future.

    However, she has no problems with self control, and finds it easy to not do sexual things together that unmarried christians aren’t supposed to do. I do not have this self control, nor do I have the motivation to wait. I understand why it’s promoted as the most moral and safe idea to christians, but it feels so different when I am actually in a relationship.

    All this leads to is me being sexually rejected by my girlfriend many times per day, I feel sad and stupid for letting myself be rejected again and again when I could just change my behaviour, but I never do change it because I have such a strong drive to be sexual. And I worry if I will be rejected this much forever, even in marriage.

    Add my problems with porn and it makes everything so much worse, now both of us are just insecure.

    it really really sucks
     
    Leader of ME likes this.
  2. red gyarados

    red gyarados Fapstronaut

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    My Christian friends wonder why I sleep in on Sunday
     
    Leader of ME and CosmoRedshift like this.
  3. Love2LongBoard

    Love2LongBoard Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like you can use a shift in thinking. First, sex isn't a right, it is a gift. If your girlfriend doesn't want to be intimate, you should respect that regardless of your religion. We respect people we love, pushing their boundaries is neither respectful or loving.

    At the root of this is typically some kind of entitlement. That is possibly at the root of your problems with pornography as well.

    The fact that you are pushing her boundaries so she has to reject you is really horrible. It's horrible for her, she probably feels guilty rejecting you but knows she will feel bad by crossing the boundaries she has for herself. It's horrible for you because you feel rejected and because your are disrespecting someone you claim to love.

    The interested thing when we does this (I have done this many times) is that we push our partner for sex, even though we know they don't want to, then when we are rejected (because of their personal boundaries), and then we act like we are the victims. We get depressed, we get sad, we feel rejected. Really we should be apologizing that we have such little respect for them that they have to stop us from crossing their boundaries that we are already aware of.

    I hope this doesn't come off as harsh. I remember when I used to think this way, it took me a little over a decade to figure it out, I hope you can do it faster than me.
     
  4. Marcus Aurelius

    Marcus Aurelius Fapstronaut

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    I feel your pain, man. I'm also a Christian, but I am single and have never been in a serious relationship.

    All I can say is you need to learn to be okay with saying "no" to your sexual impulses. It's probably not what you want to hear, but I think it's necessary. As you say, being married doesn't guarantee that you can have sex whenever you want, so it is a false hope to think that once you're married you won't have to worry about self control anymore. If your wife is unwilling or unable to have sex at a given moment, you will need to say "no" to your impulses or you will start looking elsewhere to satisfy them.
     
  5. LycurgusTheLawgiver

    LycurgusTheLawgiver Fapstronaut

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    I would say that porn use may be at the root of your problems here, I really don’t think it’s compatible with Christianity. A quick examination of a few typical porn plots and scenarios is enough to be convinced of that. I personally believe that porn use can lead to a kind of unhealthy preoccupation with the physical act of sex, I know it did for me. Remember that the whole idea of Christianity is to make personal sacrifices now for the greater good: both of yourself, of your family, and of society. Remember Jesus telling the rich man to sell everything that he had and come into the desert and follow him. Going without sex until you get married is a lot easier than that. It sounds like you are lucky that your future wife is stronger than you, otherwise you may already have engaged in fornication by now; and remember by continually pressuring your girlfriend in this way it is not only your soul that is in danger, but hers, if she eventually gives in, you will have essentially been responsible for causing an unusually strong and virtuous woman to fall into sin...

    If you need motivation you may want to look at the disastrous results of unrestrained sexual desire on society; results that are only too visible in the modern West. The millions of babies killed in the womb by their mothers because their mothers valued short term pleasure over long-term responsibility. If you grew up with a solid family, look at the millions upon millions of children that grow up in a broken household without the blessings, stability, and example of a happily married Mother and Father; look too at the millions more who don’t even know their Fathers. Look at all the people with Sexually Transmitted Infections, and the people who go around spreading them. Look too at all of the lives ruined by porn, at the guys who started watching it young, started off normal and healthy, and who now, due to unrestrained sexual desire and a society that encourages it as a healthy thing, are addicted to weird and perverted sexual fetishes like trans porn. Consider too how porn is essentially like unrestrained sex on steroids, look at the scenes depicted in porn, how fundamentally twisted a lot of it is, how anti-family/anti-social a lot of it is with its obsession with adultery and quasi-incest.

    If you need help on the porn front you may want to read this if you haven’t already -

    https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/mis...-has-not-prepared-your-brain-for-todays-porn/

    Reading that article was the turning point for me. Knowledge is power in this battle, and knowing the mechanics of porn-addiction on a neurological level helps both to avoid and to deal with cravings. In that article it mentions daily meditation for strengthening the brain’s prefrontal cortex, the part that deals with willpower and impulse control. I’ve found this helpful in my own battle.

    Stay strong brother, don’t let porn turn you away from Jesus, because you either follow one or the other. Remember Jesus being tempted by the devil in the desert. Remember how Satan promised him all of the pleasures of the Earth if he would only follow him. The parallels with porn are there.

    Also, maybe you ought to marry your girlfriend, then it won’t be a problem? Have you proposed to her yet? It seems like if you’ve been together over a year then you ought to know if she is right for you. Obviously this is a complex personal choice and it’s not for strangers who don’t know you, to try to make these judgements for you over the internet; but its just a thought.

    Best wishes, I hope you pull through!
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2020
  6. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    So you though you wanted to wait until marriage to have sex because of your religion... but you found out that when you are in a relationship you want sex with her... guess what?? that´s 100% natural. Is totally normal to be attracted to you girlfriend and want to be with her spiritually and physically.
    So she basically was ok with having sex with you but you convinced her to wait until marriage and she was OK with the idea.
    The problem is that now you want sex and she is rejection you.
    You don't have to change your behavior. You want sex.. it's easy and she is your girlfriend, is totally fine to desire her. The problem is that you are letting her reject you over and over again without consequences.
    What if you wait until marriage and she is awful in bed, what if she decide that she don't like to have sex and reject you consistently after marriage too? Do you see yourself not having sex for the rest of your life?

    Advice.. simple. Stand up for what you want. you realized that you want sex before marriage. Tell her that, if she say she wants to wait then broke up with her and go and find a woman that is willing to have sex before marriage. Tell her that you would love to be with her and marry her but the only way that is going to happen if the both of you start to have sex regularly. Be strong on your decision, and be prepared to leave if she reject you again. There are 2 outcomes from this story:
    A: you start having sex
    B: you broke up.. and as you find her.. you will find another woman like her or even better that also wants to have sex with you.

    The important thing is.. don't settle for less that what you want. Stand up for what you want and you will be amassed of the good results you get. Good luck!
     
  7. Randy Andy

    Randy Andy Fapstronaut

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    This sounds like addiction: "never enough". Several times a day is a lot, I can imagine her feeling frustrated if you are asking that often and that is a lot for married people. So probably getting married wouldn't "fix" that. I think in retrospect this is why my plan to get fixed by getting married didn't work was because before I found the solution I also wanted sex several times a day. Another clue that it might be that you're an addict is it the high frequency of wanting sex and asking for it is using something to address unrelated issues such as if you're stressed and using sex to deal with stress, just like stress eating. The eating doesn't actually help the stress and while trying to apply it as a so called fix it can create other problems. The same with using sex for affection, excitement etc. Or using it to "deal with" past trauma, which of course it doesn't fix.
     
  8. this is truth. Raising children part, that could vary, but if you’re married you shouldn’t be afraid of a lil one
     
  9. you should set stuff together agree on. If she doesn’t want to do that, or maybe she’s being too stiff with you, maybe you should talk about that
     
  10. alphakadabro

    alphakadabro Fapstronaut

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  11. FailingForward

    FailingForward Fapstronaut

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    very well said, I agree. A shift in thinking would be great. Sex seems to consumer your life at the moment and that should not be what you’re looking for. Take up something greater than sex if you can’t then there’s your problem
     
  12. lol OP is self-cucked

    AHAHAHAHAHAHA

    Dude the more you post, the more I'm starting to think that you've never met a single woman in your entire life.
     
  13. Minsc

    Minsc Fapstronaut

    I pose some questions. Is trying to get it on with your girlfriend any different than trying to get it on with porn? Is your girlfriend the person you'll spend your life with or a disposable sex toy? Is not having sex ruining you or your own distorted thought processes?

    I believe you are on a great path by waiting.

    Try this prayer whenever your mind goes funky places with her: "God, show me my girlfriend (use her name instead of girlfriend) for who she really is and not who I want her to be."

    While sex can be a part of marriage, one should not get married to have sex. An idea I know I still wrestle with.
     
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