90days..and HOCD

I'm not sure what you mean by HOCD - do you have same sex attraction? And it is frequent?

 

I don't know what HOCD is either, but I don't think you're gay man. I think you're having intrusive thoughts.. I've heard that it can happen. Its part of the healing process, but you need to meditate.

Staying off of conputer screens can help also. I think reading a book will actually help you though (an actual paper book). You have thoughts pop into your mind because you are used to the stimulation of porn. Your mind might just be a little bit jumpy at first. It can improve with time!! Good luck!

 

Good advice about staying off the screens. Cause mental illnesses bloom when too much time is spend staring at the screens.

 

I think I read a post around here about HOCD some times ago. The main point I picked there was that: the fact that you are questioning yourself actually indicates that you are NOT gay. I mean, if rice is served or you picked some grains of rice in your hand, there wouldn't be any doubt that RICE IS RICE. so, since you are questioning and doubting, you aren't one in the first place. Probably just Mummur "NO" when the thought comes up, or shake your head or sth, and find something worthwhile to do.

 

Well my friend, I do know what HOCD is and I’ve experienced it too after I started my first streak. I actually made this account just to reply to your post because I want to give you a few things that helped me.

The thing with HOCD is, you want it to end really badly, because it is something that makes you doubt who you are, that everything that you believed about yourself has actually not been true. The first, probably quite confronting, tip is that you need to accept that this will end when it wants to end. With that I mean, is that trying to get it to stop will only make it worse. I hope that you trust me on this one, because it does. So again, trying to get it to stop will make it only go on longer.

The second tip is that it is indeed a withdrawal symptom, but it can stick when all other effects of doing PMO are already gone. It is very much a sickness of the mind itself. That’s why I recommend doing things that strengthen your mind, meditation being the most important. Start meditating, and crank it up to eventually at least 20 minutes a day. When you do this consistently, not only you will notice your entire life improving (slowly, it’s not a “fix-it-all”), but also your HOCD decreasing. That is because you will come to accept the HOCD more as a thing that is happening, but that doesn’t define you. And then in accordance with tip 1 you will be able to let it go gently, the way that’s supposed to go.

Lastly, stop searching for reassurance that it’s really HOCD and that you’re not gay. I did this too back when I had it, and it only makes the HOCD worse as it will lead to you wanting more and more assurance, which fuels the anxiety. I’m also not going to be telling you that you’re not gay, as you should come to accept that say you were gay, that that’s fine too, because you are who you are. Now I don’t know you, but by seeing you on this forum I can imagine you’re a great person. So don’t take something such as sexual orientation to define how good of a person you are.

Another note I would like to make, if this really gets so bad that you feel like you can’t quit it on your own, then please seek professional help. And with that I don’t mean just an average therapist, as they will most likely misinterpret your HOCD (which trust me is a real thing), for you being in a “coming out process” and they will try to lead you towards that. Find a therapist that is specialized in treating HOCD. Especially with Corona, they could consult you online in your own room, so you won’t actually have to go somewhere.

I wish you a lot of strength with overcoming this thing, but know it’s a seed planted once by porn, and that comes out as a withdrawal symptom. If you need my help then just shoot me a message or ask me on here. I overcame it, and I’m sure you can too!

 

Hey man, I had HOCD for a few years. Actually up until about a month ago. I was trying to find the article that really helped me but unfortunately I couldn't find it. The article that helped me basically had a paragraph from someone who has HOCD, and a paragraph from someone is attracted to the same-sex but in the closet. The difference was so startling it really allowed me to see that HOCD is simply a mental issue.

The example they gave was that if you were attracted to men you would also have thoughts about potentially having a relationship with men, and you also would have had moments in your life that you felt physical attraction to men. You would fantasise about men and you would develop crushes on men. All things which don't happen for me.

I actually went to a men's retreat last year where I did a lot of activities with men who were topless and naked. This at first triggered me because I was like, "oh no what if I freak out because I'm secretly gay" and all this other shit. One of the big things I did then was acknowledge to myself, "Well, if it turns out I am gay, that's actually entirely OK and I'm sure I could have a great relationship with another man". But, in line with what I truly believed about myself (that I'm straight) doing all these exercises with men didn't trigger any arousal in me. And some of them were intimate, like eye gazing for 5 minutes straight talking about deep stuff in our lives, and doing breathing exercises together. Confronting in and of itself. So after I came back from retreat I was like, "OK - definitely not attracted to men".

Fast forward to this year when I moved out of home into an apartment with another dude I didn't know that well. We started having lots of late night conversations in the lounge and during the conversations my brain started saying shit like, "Oh you want to fuck him don't you?" and immediately images of me fucking him popped into my head. However, no actual arousal occurred at all. And I noticed that the thoughts had a completely different feel compared to if I was hanging with a woman and started thinking about wanting to fuck her. They were quite instant and up front and there was no warmth or foreplay or anything. And it just straight up scared me and felt wrong to me.

It was then that I started doing a lot of YouTubing and research because I wanted to solve this shit. So I did come across the article I mentioned earlier. I also came across a great YouTube video where they explained that HOCD has NOTHING to do with sexuality and EVERYTHING to do with ANXIETY, and your danger alert system. The idea if I remember correctly was that our brain is designed to pinpoint things that could hurt us or freak us out. Now because of some underlying anxiety issue the brain will find something freaky - like for example the idea that you're secretly gay and want to fuck your friend - and shove it in your face.

And this actually made a lot of sense to me because I had just moved in with dude after living at home for 6 years. I also don't know this guy that well, and he's a big muscly dude and I'm a pretty small. So in many ways I was in a confronting situation and I didn't feel entirely safe or secure in my apartment and with him. So my fear response was elevated which I believe was in part why the HOCD occurred.

Anyway, once I realised all this what I started doing was actually just accepting the HOCD for what it was. A malfunction of my brain. And if it came up I would just feel myself and say - am I getting hard, is my body aroused in this moment. Sometimes there was anxiety which could almost masquerade as arousal - but you can feel the difference. And one other thing I really implanted in myself was acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that maybe one day I will want to fuck a guy. After all, sexuality is supposed to be fluid. So I guess just letting go of the fear of like, "OMG I MIGHT BE GAY". Instead like, "OK I'm 99.9% sure this is HOCD and I'm only physically attracted to women (which all my life experiences confirm) but in the off-chance that I am attracted to guys - that's completely OK, and my sexuality is my business and no one else's."

Since learning all that, integrating it and using new thought patterns I haven't had any experiences of HOCD recently. Or if I have I seem to have just brushed them off.

 

You probably won't want to hear this but there's the option to just give up. I found a trans woman on a dating app and I'm seeing her next month. Whatever, might as well try it.

Same situation otherwise, I thought I was straight my entire life, reboot messed with me badly. In a previous reboot I spend a few thousand pounds on sex dolls, now this. I'm just done, I don't want to think about this topic anymore. It's been a daily struggle. I'll just try it out, I got other things I should be doing with my life.
I still decided to give up P forever though, that does seem really bad.

 

Highly disagree ^^^

Your brain is healing, you're used to tons of effortless dopamine and it will fade if you stay the course. Listen to @Twigz who literally made an account to give you good advice

 

Well this shows exactly why meditation is so important. After a while of meditation, eventually what happens is that you'll start seeing a seperation between your body and you (the observer of everything that happens inside and outside of your body). Let's take arousal. Arousal is an emotion that is based on what your body experiences. It sees a woman (eyes), it feels someone close (touch), it hears a woman say kind words (hearing). Your body interprets these signals and creates arousal. What you need to understand is that all this happens in your body. Your body observes these senses, and then creates the feeling of arousal. But it has nothing to do with who you are, as it is part of your body.

The same can be said for HOCD (or basically everything happening in your mind). HOCD is a compulsive disorder, also often referred to as intrusive thoughts. This means that there is nothing you can do about these thoughts, they are compulsive/intrusive after all. It is something that your mind creates. But what you need to understand is that, you are not your body. You are simply the awareness that observes everything in your body. Those thoughts are not part of who you are, as they are a creation of the body.

Now, I can understand that for someone that (perhaps) doesn't meditate, it may sound like a lot of gibberish. So to simplify, these are some things you can do:
1. When an HOCD/intrusive thought occurs, simply dismiss it as that which it is, just an intrusive thought. So let's say, you see a guy and the thought pops up, just think to yourself: "Oh it's that HOCD playing games again" or "It's not me who questions this, it is the intrusive HOCD though that is". That way, you condition yourself to take distance from HOCD as simply something that is occuring, but which is not part of you.

2. A second thing you can do, but it sort of ties into point 1, is create a fun story around the HOCD. You see HOCD as a very negative thing, but when a thought comes up and you for example say something like "Oh that HOCD is trying to be funny again" or "Oh no, the HOCD drama queen is acting up again", then you look at that emotion as actually kind of a funny thing. You basically transfer your vibration (or just the emotion) from something very negative to something very funny. And when you think about it, it is actually kind of funny (haha). Like: You know for sure you're straight, but your mind is just trying to trick you, it's playing games. More positive emotions are both easier to let go and don't work so repeptively as you will stop paying attention to something that is becoming more positive.

3. Lastly, you could simply remind yourself of certain mantra's. For example, every time an HOCD thought pops-up, remind yourself that: "What happens will happen, but I am in control of my life, not the thing that happens." And deep down, you know that this is true --> Just because you have those thoughts, doesn't mean you have to partake in them.

• I once read an article in which the goal was to better understand the subconscious (which HOCD is part of too). Now let's say, you have a very bad day, you get fired as well, and you are furious towards your ex-boss for giving you such a horrible day. You might imagine how you would really like to kill the guy, and imagine all the possible ways that you will kill him. This might even evoke a certain feeling. But in hindsight, do you kill that guy? OF COURSE you don't, it's just your subconscious letting off some steam. But in reality, the thought doesn't mean anything. It is just something that pops up, and goes again, it has nothing to do with who you are.

I hope this (long) post made a bit more clear about some things you can try. I cannot guarantee all this will work with you, and want to mind you that it will definitely take some time. Even after my first reboot (1,5 years ago), I still very occassionalliy will have an HOCD thought. But that is all it is, a thought.