Success without Hard Mode in Relationship?

What are you worried about with hard mode? When my husband first started working recovery, I was adamantly against it, even though our csat recommended it. However, 4 months clean and my husband was still really struggling, especially right after sex. So we did hard mode. Recommendations is usually 90 days, we made it 52 days, had sex then 50 days. Definitely helped him a lot. However, it doesn’t do any good if he is fantasizing or masturbating. So, he must understand that.

 

I might add, I think you can have success without hard mode, it’s just harder and takes longer, more risk of relapse. Like I said, we didn’t want to do hard mode either.

 

Lol! Well, we only made it 52 days. I actually highly recommend you try. One of the best things we did on this journey.

 

I personally think the biggest step in recovery is for the addict to be able to talk about his addiction and form real connections with people. So, since he talks to you about it, you’re way ahead of the guys who refuse to tell their significant other.

 

Just a warning, but the longer the recovery gets dragged out the less enjoyable sex will be for you. Eventually, the relapses will mess with your head enough that you might find you aren’t feeling sexy anymore and the sex becomes a source of anxiety. Hopefully your partner is good about accountability and is self driven to work his recovery....otherwise you’ll probably be the one changed most in the process, and it could spoil your feelings for him.

but that’s only a possible outcome. I do wish much better of it for you.

 

We never did a real "hard mode" though we came close to accidentally doing it as a result long periods of "sexual hibernation" caused by pregnancy/birth/recovery, but as it wasn't intentional I wouldn't really count it.

We did try a "sexual fast" at one point, but that was more focused on resolving our high desire/low desire dynamic rather than anything to do with recovery (and it helped immensely for me to go from feeling frequently rejected to being the one empowered to say "no"). Again, it was only for a short while though and with a totally different aim and in a totally different phase of recovery.

Two thoughts on Hard Mode:
- "chaser effect" can be an issue after sex and leads to a lot of relapses. It is one of the most disturbing and honestly one of the most frustrating things about this addiction. But learning how to manage them make dealing with other urges easier to overcome. And it is somewhat easier to deal with "chaser effect" because one knows when to expect it.

-have you considered "Karezza"? Again, we have never tried it, but many couples swear by it as an alternative to hard mode. However, while it may be easier on the woman to do, going through with it would require a superhuman effort on the part of the man, which is why I have seen some men call it "Harder mode".

 

We tried karrezza, both enjoyed it but sometimes he’d lose control, lol. It’s very enjoyable but not always successful!

 

Cuddling and kissing helped alot for me
Im currently 1 month clean and i had a great time last night. I told my partner about my addiction when i pied the second time and ever since she has been supportive and always encouraged me whenever we tried sex. After month of remaining clean and lots of cuddling and kissing we finally had a good time yesterday once in the morning and once at night. Both sessions were great. Coz im not full recovered initially she hasvto hand job me just for it to be hard enough to penetrate then im good to go. Conclusion is it took me 1 month of remaining clean and at the same time cuddling and just sending time with my partner i feel almost recovered all i need to do is remain strong

 

I second (or third) the suggestion for looking into karezza.
Personally, I had the best success, when I was single, doing hard mode. For years I thought I was an arousal addict, possibly because, as a male, orgasm signal the end while the dopamine rush of arousal can just build and build. Eventually a woman on here helped me to see that I was, indeed, an orgasm addict. All that arousal building was really just stoking the fire for bigger and bigger orgasms. Like an alcoholic or a drug addict, I simply can't have that first orgasm or I will start craving more orgasms. The difference is that after just one orgasm, we often feel totally satisfied . . . the craving for orgasms starts kicking in hours or days later.
Now that I'm in a relationship, I seem to have the best success with karezza. The goal is no orgasm for me, though my girlfriend will usually have an orgasm every time and I'm happy to get her there (it's a little triggering but I can usually get through that). After her orgasm is when the karezza really starts. I see it as non-orgasmic love making. We maintain eye contact and go slow. Staying erect is somehow not an issue at all and everything seems to function perfectly. I can focus on the pleasurable sensations without trying to "get off" and I also try to focus on her pleasure.

The effects are beautiful. I feel more bonded with my partner and I also feel like I have somehow relieved all of my sexual tension. Even if I have really been struggling with urges and fantasies, everything feels resolved after karezza. Perhaps the best part is that, by avoiding orgasm, I find myself wanting to do karezza again soon (a desire to connect with my partner) as well as having the physical ability to do so.

 

This is exactly what happened to us. We did soft mode for a few months, believing it was enough. He had given up a lot of things but because he never really detoxed from the instant gratification and dopamine hits he was used to, he continued to struggle. Like you, the chaser effect was difficult, among a few other things like seeking out psubs and soft porn for the hit, convincing himself it was okay. We went hard mode for a few weeks and eventually added back in karezza (very connected sex without O). It was what he needed to get over that part of the addiction he was stuck in. Orgasm without detox was keeping him tied to the addict mindset.