Porn , life experience and long-term singledom has killed my idea of relationships

I've been single for 7 years, primarily because I can never get my shit together.

I was diagnosed with adhd and had a chaotic upbringing and I've never really settled

When I was in high school I had no problem getting girls and that's all that was ever on my mind. Loved everything about them fun to be with and you would be thinking about women constantly having sex and getting hard was never an issue. I was more focused back then focused on getting girls getting to know them and overall healthy sexuality healthy relationships .

Lost my virginity at 15 had quite a few girlfriends a couple that could have been something serious. But I was young and dumb. Too interested in having a good time. Probably partly to do with my adhd . And at the time probably immature . By the time I was 18-20 I'd slept with a few girls and a few women , women in there 30s and 40s and had been in and out of breif relationships for the next few years.

But I never learned to settle in them i think Because I have adhd and my upbringing.
And In my mind it was like I always had to accomplish this before I could settle myself. I later learned that that's the nature of adhd nothing's ever good enough or your never good enough because you lack dopamine.

So compulsively I've never really been a long-term relationship kind of guy.

As the years went by and life got harder I started to isolate myself more and more . Struggling with financial and health problems working all the time and never really ever harnesing long-term relationship. I'm 30 and the longest relationship I've been in is a month . I've had a few relationships and plenty of encounters . But after a while I stopped focusing on it . It got to the point when a potential relationship popped up I wouldn't follow it through in fact I'd avoid it . I've read online from other people's story's with adhd or there current partner has it and there exactly the same . In and out or they become standoffish

It's like a deep seeded belief that's only gotten stronger that I'm am unable to function in relationships or want to expose how flawed my ineptitude towards them is because of my adhd.

Long story short I've been single for 7 years now for a lot because of my own quirky nature and inability to adult.

At this stage I'm completely fucked when it comes to them and know for sure I'm too far gone to be in one or want to be in one . Which is really weird considering I'm only 30.

Over the years this is where my porn addiction developed I watched porn for close to 18 years since I was in high school.

In retrospect the older I get and all those years of porn makes me realise how far gone I've become.

I'm 30 years old and am not thinking about relationships and couldn't be more disconnected from them .

It's like I've watched so much porn I'd completely lost my mojo .

Like what the fuck. I remember the days id walk past a hot girl and automatically feel the attraction . I'd be drawn to her. To want to get to know her. I see a girl now and it's like no big thing even if she appears to be into me I'm not really engaged at all. I know it's porn related.

I've gone far beyond the pale when you read about the research around porn and how it negatively effects your brain and relationships it's actually scary how desensitisized you can become to real world partners and people it's like porn and probably some mental health has completely robbed me of normal healthy relationships.

It's like I've completely numbed my brain because of porn

Even now it's still difficult to recognise it . I'll go 5 days without and bam back to the numbing like none if it even matters