Helping My Wife Heal

Worthy of her trust, and Helping her heal are both very good..bloom for women would be good for her, it’s free. Has she ever gone to counseling for her trauma?

 

Is not your job to fix her. All you can do is to don't make them worst with your P addiction. Is her job to fix her stuff if she wants to.

She married you knowing your P addiction, you married her knowing she had all this flaws. Accept her the way she is, if she wants to get better then great! help her if she ask you to. But if she is not asking for help it could also hurt her to know that his man is not happy about her and wants to change her current status (it doesn't matter you have good intentions). This is going to bring drama and tension between the both of you.
Instead show her your love by having fun with her.. going on fun dates. make her feel that you take your time to make her enjoy life with you. This is going to make her feel loved, understood and comfortable with you. All of that is going to make her more attracted spiritual and physically to you and is going to be more open and comfortable to have sex with you.

 

Hello. I understand a lot of what your dealing with my friend. It it sucks when someone we love and care for was hurt so badly and we cannot help.

My wife was gangraped as a teenager by a drug dealer, he also beat her, held guns to her, stabbed her with a knife, even killed 2 people in front of her, really bad stuff for a 14 year old to endure. She was overly medicated at this time in her life for bipolar disorder so these years are a blur but the damage done was very severe. She never talked about it with anyone until she told me, she tried to tell her parents about the gangrape but they did not believe her(which is just one of many reasons why I hate her parents to no end) and she was in such a bad mental place because of her meds that she had to endure this hell for 2 years of basically be tortured.

I freeze up when she talks about it, which I feel incredibly shitty about and hate that I freeze up like I do. I know that talking about it is key, my wife has never been to therapy for the abuse she suffered and I have slowly suggested it a few times. I cannot force therapy unless she is willing because it could cause 15 year old trauma to resurface in very bad ways and after talking with several sexual abuse centers online they have all said do not force her, simply suggest when you have the opportunity but let her make the choice for herself.

Has your wife been to any therapy about her past abuse? Can you suggest it if she has not but in a careful way, maybe even suggest for both of you to talk about what happened?

After my wife told be about her sexual assault I had a more difficult time engaging in sex with her, not because I saw her as damaged or anything, but because I just felt like all this bad had been done to her why do I deserve to be with her at all? I still get after 3 years, nervous about having sex with her because I worry I'm just as bad as the people who raped her. I'm not, but it's a worry that often time talks me out of initiating sex. She also enjoys certain things during sex that makes me wonder if she is trying to recreate some of the trauma which has led to very Vinilla sex, which is not bad but I worry she is not always satisfied.

I cannot so much point you in any direction just offer my own experience with my wife. I can offer an audio book called, What We Talk About When We Talk About Rape, which is kinda grandiose but dives well into the mental state of a person who gas been sexually abused and I would recommend the audio version. It kinda helped me deal with my wife's mental wellness and how she had developed with her abuse and understand how she has filed it away in her brain.

Not sure any if this helps but you are not alone. Feel free to PM me if you wanna talk more.

 

Just remember, any betrayal on your part adds to her trauma. I have no trauma like the above at all, but discovering my husbands porn addiction has caused enormous amounts of damage to me. You can’t fix her but you can be her safe place rather than just another source of trauma and fear.

 

Maybe this podcast would be helpful to her? https://puredesire.org/podcast/sexual-trauma/

The women on the podcast said they had to actually process their trauma and maybe that's part of it? Maybe she hasn't processed her trauma because they said often sex will just be mechanical because they don't enjoy it. But that's related to trauma that's unprocessed. I don't know, maybe it'll be somewhat insightful.

 

Thank you!

 

My wife and I have talked about our traumas on many occasions. What, over our 6 years together, has never crossed my mind is that I can do things that invoke her trauma, cause triggers that are associated with her pain. She has suffered much during her upbringing and with her previous marriage. So I think it would be helpful to be weary of her triggers. This does not necessarily mean walking on eggshells but to respect her presence and be mindful of your actions. This does sound like something you may be doing, but it doesn't hurt in putting it into words nor does a reminder.

I wish you and your family well and continued growth!