Very big addict

Hello everyone,

I started pmo at age 10. I started straight off into the fetish stuff (anal porn) and stuck for that for a long time. Then going into different genres of female porn. I was so porn addicted in my teen age years that I rejected all offers for sex and rather PMO'd at home. One time I was even with a girl sitting at her bed and didn't even think about sex with her because porn was sex for me. Real girls did nothing for me.
This went on for a long time had more possible chances of getting laid but stuck with porn.

At age 19 I got fired from my job which brought me into a depression. I started watching anime all day. And browse 4chan all day. This lead me to getting addicted to hentai, especially loli hentai. What's even worse at that I used to browse 4chan for loli hentai and sometimes there would be under age porn get posted there. I would jerk off to that aswell. This went on for like 4 years where I was NEET (No employment education or training), living in my room all day just playing games and jerking it to hentai and sometimes underage porn.

I slowly got out of my depression and starting going to uni. But my lolicon addict kept on going, till a day I went back to 'normal' porn. But o boy the shit I fapped to was insane including scat piss pov etc.

Then one day I went into transwoman porn and slowly after into gay porn. While watching this I thought I found my 'sexuality' and thought I was gay. This also happened because of my low attraction to girls during my teens years During this time I was always heavily abusing drugs.
Till one day in class I fell in love with a girl. This started me realising im not actually gay or pedophile and got cravings to get into a relationship with this girl. And started to try to better my life by quiting drugs and porn. But my heavy porn addiction and no skills with women ruined the relationship and I ended up in a psychosis type state.
During this my actraction for women skyrocketed and I would flirt with every girl I would get a eye one.

Slowly I realised porn was the problem in my life and started to cut it out. When I started I was dealing with HOCD from all the gay and transwoman porn I watched. Till one day the HOCD was over and it went over in POCD. This hit me so hard that I masturbated 9 times in like 2 hours and ending up at underage and loli porn again. This made me go insane thinking I am actually a pedophile now. I tried to get on a streak again and did so for 50 days but slowly relapsed to lolicon again because I was in a state of 'im a pedophile anyways so what does it matter'. Tried another streak but ended up relapsing again. Slowly I tried bringing myself back to vanilla porn during my relapses but my POCD got so bad that one day I relapsed to granny porn. Ye granny porn I went from lolicon to gay porn to granny porn. All this to make me believe in not actually a pedophile.

Now im still dealing with pocd and hocd. While my hocd is way less. I sometimes think its not actually ocd but I have fetishes for these things but when I get on a streak Im starting to fantasy about girls again with sometimes good days where the ocd dont bother me and im only thinking about girls only.


Thats a summary of my porn addiction. To add to that I was sexual abused and
physically both twice when I was child which makes me think thats why I started coping with porn to avoid dealing with my emotions and actually sexual experiences , all this to not relive my abuse again.

Im a total emotional wreck. I read all the types of porn and sex addiction books and know everything about it but regardless I keep relapsing, and relapsing hard with everytime something new. Im on prescription drugs to sleep. And add to that during the different types of porn I watched I actually started to feel attractions. Like when during my gay porn I would feel attracted to my best friend and started getting fantasies about him. During my lolicon/underage addiction I actually started feeling attractions to younger girls. But those went away after I stopped watching those types of porn. And ofcourse Im starting to feel attraction and have fantasies about older women now..

My attraction to women my age is at low right now like back in highschool. Im doing bad in university of all this, hardly cant focus on my studies but I trying regardless of all my issues. I still hope that I can get a good streak going and leave all this porn crap behind me and get a girlfriend and maybe start a family. It's still all im dreaming off..
Luckily im in therapy right now for my ocd issues so maybe that's helps me a bit.

Anyways I dont know what the point of my rambling is I hope someone reads this and quits porn before he becomes me.