This one time I actually hired a hooker

Earlier this year, before COVID-19 introduced lockdowns and social distancing, I was feeling depressed and lonely after moving to a new town for work, isolated from family and friends.

While at a dental clinic, I picked up the local newspaper and flipped through it. Eventually my eyes landed on the Classified page, and I took a photo of the adult services section. Within a month, I had rung one of the numbers and hired the services of a prostitute for one hour. Around the same period, I had been fapping to porn several times each day, several days each week, several weeks each month. It was my relief from depression and loneliness, and to further alleviate this, I sought an actual person.

That day, I lost my virginity. It had been difficult to get an erection and to maintain it. My honest thoughts after that experience was 'sex doesn't feel good at all'. I started questioning my sexuality as well, wondering if I was asexual or pansexual. I figured I was no longer sexually attracted to women. I don't even look at their 'assets'; I don't even look them in the eye that often anymore. As a child, I had believed that I should save my virginity for the one whom I loved. Yet as an adult, I had so easily wasted that opportunity...and didn't feel much remorse about it. Only emptiness.

Which is why I must defeat this addiction problem.

 

I read all your messages. Thank you for sharing your experiences and tips!

I am doing better right now. Better than earlier this year. I am seeking a counsellor's advice currently, not for PMO (I do not feel entirely comfortable with this particular psychologist) but for grief and guilt. Indirectly, this is actually helping with PMO addiction, because the psychologist has instilled into me a few key words: Hopes, Purposes, Intentions, Desires, Preferred Practices, Wishes, and Values. These are the determinants of a full life, or rather, they will help me answer the question "What do I want out of life?" Yes, fulfilling a physical desire is only temporary, and can be tiring. What is more important is fulfilling spiritual desires, right?

I have already moved forward. It has been months since I had that experience with a prostitute. COVID-19 led to an effective (but temporary) ban on prostitution in my country because of social distancing rules. While I still feel some shame, guilt, and regret, I do not let these drag me down. It is all about the mindset. I believe in myself that I can do this. I am bigger than my urges and I am not my thoughts. Unfortunately my right knee is injured and in a hinged-knee brace so I cannot do exercises much. That being said, I have been doing meditative sessions lately and find it really helpful for calming down and focusing on my goals.

I am socially awkward, too... Or at least I think I am. What I have noticed is even with Day 6 of no PMO, I became more fluent in my speech and more spontaneous and humorous with my responses. I seemed to make people happier without trying much. It definitely is easy to forget long-term goals especially when you are overwhelmed by negativity in the immediate term. When overwhelmed by negativity, the brain urges you to seek relief. And that relief for us is PMO. What I intend to do (and have already started doing) is whenever I feel negative emotions, I would do a meditative session where I focus on my breathing first and then notice my negative emotions and thoughts. I then imagine them being wrapped around by my breath and gently put onto leaves which flow down a stream. Alternatively, I imagine them flowing out through the soles of my feet, making me feel more grounded and secure. After ten or so minutes, I would feel super calm and composed, ready to face the music again.

Thank you bro. As for me, I reckon I will abstain from PMO until my brain is rewired to seek real sex and real women rather than PM. Whether it takes 90 days or more, I will do it. The day my urges become non-existent is probably the day I will switch to abstaining from PM only instead. I will get there one day. Looking forward to the foreplay and touching in future!

Hahaha, I already know that I like women a lot. I used to have the belief that in order to be happy I must find a woman to fill the voids in my heart. But now I believe that the foundation of happiness is with the self: Only I can make myself truly happy (or sad, etc.). It is about the mindset. I also want to love women as humans, not as objects. PMO, especially from a young age, tends to wire the brain into thinking of sexual partners as objects to fulfil physical desires. We may not consciously think this, but it may be our unconscious thinking. What I want is to rewire my brain into loving women for real. Whether it takes 3 months or more, I don't care. I will do it. This is my resolve.

 

That's very insightful. Thank you very much for sharing your experience and thoughts. I think you're right about everything you've said, eric9000k. I also did voice recording of my one experience earlier in the year, but I never listened to it and now I can't find it anymore. Even if I did, I would just delete it, as I have done all the porn and hentai on all my devices.

Seems you have it rough, but are definitely self-aware. Self-awareness is always the first step to change. You'll continue to have steps up and down. It's all part of the process that we all have to believe in. The process of quitting PM(O). Good luck on your journey, mate.