crying while writing this

Don’t give up. The power is within you to leave all of this behind you. You just have to wake that sleeping giant up. We are all ashamed of our pasts so you’re in good company. No matter how long you’ve been doing this, no matter what you’ve seen or what you’ve done, you can be free again. It’s going to take a lot of hard work. But you CAN do it. Have you tried stopping before? If so, how long were you able to go?

 

A month is really good! You might not think so, but there are many people who can’t make it a week. So maybe make your next goal 6 weeks. You need to learn to believe in yourself again. You need to learn to like yourself again. You need to rebuild your self esteem. I will post again later with advice on how to do this. In the mean time, stay strong!

 

In order to fight back against these feelings of worthlessness, you must take pride in yourself and be able to say “no, you’re wrong - I’m not worthless, I have a lot going for me. I used to do those things but that is not who i am today. I am a completely different person and the old me is not who I am today. My past is dead and buried, so leave me alone because you’re wasting your time.”
The more you believe in yourself, the stronger this statement will be. You must start living a life opposite of the one you have been living. This may require you to make some life-altering changes. For example, here are a few things to consider:
1. You need to cut all ties from your past. That means deleting all email addresses, changing your phone number, and if people involved in your past know where you live, you need to move to a new place. You can no longer associate with anyone or anything that would remind you of your past.

2. Just stopping PMO isn’t enough. You need to fill your life with worthy causes. Stop focusing on yourself. PMO is a selfish action, focus on selfless actions. Help other people, focus on building healthy relationships with your parents, family members. Make new friends. When I left P behind, I decided to volunteer at a hospital. It was something that helped me forget about my past life and I was doing something that helped build my self esteem. I took pride in my work even though I wasn’t getting paid. I was helping build society and helping healthcare workers do their job. There are many opportunities to serve in your community. As you find those opportunities, you will feel good as you make a difference in this world.

3. You need to regain control of your life. You need to prove to yourself that you control your own destiny. For instance, get up and make your bed - do it the best you can. Afterwards, you can see that you made a choice and you can see the positive outcome. Or clean your room or exercise or something like that. Set goals, achievable goals that have nothing to do with NoFap or recovery, and then accomplish them. Show yourself that you can control the outcomes in your life. Doing this will increase your self confidence and give you the hope and strength you need to overcome PMO.

4. One thing that I do that some people disagree with here on NoFap is that I have decided to no longer masturbate as a form of sexual release. Masturbation is instant self gratification and it quickly escalates. As you know, just fantasizing no longer works while masturbating - you need something more exciting. And you go back down the rabbit hole. Stay away from masturbation - it will never be enough.

5. Journal. Come here on NoFap and start a journal in the “logs” section. Journaling helps me organize my thoughts and it also allows others her on NoFap to give you support. It has helped me immensely and I would highly recommend it. You can meet a lot of new people that way and get a lot of really good advice.

6. Above all else, start being nice to yourself. Don’t tell yourself that you’re worthless or beat yourself up about your past. Let the past go. And in the future when you relapse, don’t freak out. Tell yourself that it was just a mistake and give yourself a break and tell yourself that you are still learning how to overcome this problem. Overcoming PMO is a process. You probably have many relapses in your future as you try to untangle yourself from this mess. But use each relapse as a learning opportunity. How did you end up relapsing? What feelings led to relapsing? Were you bored? Lonely? Angry? Sad or depressed? Tired? What feelings were you trying to escape through PMO? Once you identify what feelings led to your relapse you will be able to make a plan of attack for the next time those feelings come. You will plan out what you will do differently so that you can deal with those feelings in a healthier way instead of pushing the easy button (PMO). As you change how you react to those feelings, you will begin to untangle those knots that are keeping you down. And you will be able to eventually free yourself once you identify and successfully find ways to deal with life and it’s challenges without running to that PMO comfort blanket.

You can do this. Give yourself a break. Learn to like yourself again. Practice positive self talk until you truly believe those things about yourself. Sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. And you will make it. This first little bit may be tough. But you will gain momentum as you resist those thoughts and start living a new life. Go for it!

 

A few more thoughts:

It’s important to understand that those desires to go to that dark place will decrease over time. Your future won’t be like what you’re experiencing right now. I used to be caught in the PMO trap and I felt that life was hopeless. Today, it’s been approximately 11 years since I last viewed P and I can tell you that my life has changed dramatically. I have forgotten those images and videos to the point that I would have to try really hard to remember them, and even then, I have forgotten most of them and I can’t remember the details of the few that I can vaguely remember. Our brains are amazing - we can change our brain. Just remember that we forget the things that we no longer think about. Our brain will start deleting those unpleasant memories if we stop thinking about them. It takes a while, but we start forgetting that which is no longer occupying our thoughts. So when a memory of something you did or something you viewed pops in your head, you must learn to quickly dismiss it. Don’t entertain the thought. Acknowledge the thought, and then find something else to think about. We can only think about one thing at a time. So you must choose to think about something else. This can be difficult at first. But over time you develop a reflex of quickly dismissing those thoughts. And you know what? After a while those thoughts will come less often until they stop trying because you are no longer entertaining them.

Your brain is a muscle. The more you resist, the stronger your willpower to resist will become. This takes a few months but around 90 days it becomes significantly easier to resist urges.

Something that would help you immensely would be to confide is someone close to you about your problem. You don’t have to go into detail but tell them that you have an addiction to P and you were wondering if you could check in with them every once in a while to be held accountable. Someone to talk to when things get tough. Do you have someone like that? A parent or a friend? Maybe a pastor or counselor? It might be embarrassing to have to admit that you have a problem but I promise you that it makes a huge difference. It takes the secrecy away. Addiction thrives on secrecy and is extinguished when we hold ourselves accountable. You might be terrified at the prospect of telling someone but you will be surprised at how much people care and how much they will want to help. Also, I would recommend seeing a therapist and joining an SAA group. You can go over the details of your addiction and your past with a therapist and it will help you open up to someone else about your secret life. SAA has a 12 step program that really works. And it is nice because you’re with a group of people that understands exactly how you feel and what you’re going through. It helps you know that you’re not alone and it also helps you be accountable to a group. I highly recommend going to this group.

I hope you’re doing well. You have a bright future ahead of you. Don’t give up. You will be so much happier once you put this PMO addiction behind you. Stop believing those lies that you are worthless. You are not worthless. You might be currently struggling but your future is as bright as you want it to be. It’s up to you. Go for it!

 

If you’ve been addicted to PMO since you were a teenager you’ve been dealing with this addiction for 20 years. Don’t be surprised if you relapse several times in the future as you try to figure things out. I know that you don’t want to relapse and that you’re here to stop that behavior but you need to understand that there are a lot of obvious and a lot of hidden reasons why you relapse. With each future relapse you need to observe and learn so that you can make adjustments and change. Don’t use “learning” as an excuse to relapse, but when you relapse despite your best efforts, resist the urge to berate yourself. Don’t beat yourself up if you struggle as you try to figure things out. If you fall, don’t wallow in self defeat. Pick yourself up quickly and try again and again and again and again until you finally learn all of the lessons you need to learn to finally be free of this curse. If your day counter is back at zero, don’t be discouraged. Look at it as a sign that you are still learning. There is a chance that you’ll never PMO ever again, but from personal experience and from what I’ve seen here on NoFap, it takes a while to change years of addiction.

You should definitely do this. It will help you start seeing things about yourself, discover patterns, and it will help you know where you need to make adjustments.

Excellent! This is a great idea. Find things that you like to do that will distract you from heading down the wrong path.

Sometimes it takes us hitting rock bottom before we’re ready to change. It sounds like you’re ready. Time will tell. I’ve seen many here with good intentions that have stayed here for a few months and then gave up when it got too discouraging. If you can consistently work on it, you will be victorious. It requires hard work and effort. It will be worth it.

And one last thing - I remember crying myself to sleep back when I was addicted to P with seemingly no way out. I considered myself a tough person but I was at wits end and needed to change. So in my mind, crying and showing emotion is a good thing. But keep your head up, your life is about to change for the better!