PIED, divorced, still struggling... and winning.

Hello,

Long-story short: 33 years old, discovered porn at 11 years old, I have had a few real sex encounters since I used to have PIED, tried to have children to no avail, wife divorced me 2 years ago, I read Gary Willson's book, I discovered NoFap, I decided to quit.

It's been 2 years since I discovered NoFap and, although I reduced my PM rate a big deal, I have not been able really quit. So every relapse is followed by several weeks of PM abuse and I want to really do it this time.

I would like to share my experience because this time I REALLY WANT TO MAKE IT.

Today is 9th day. It starts to be hard, again. I am doing homeoffice due to the Covid crisis and I spend many hours alone. I won't relapse today, but I wanted to say that today it is becoming particularly hard.

- I feel unfocused.
- I feel moody.
- PM has become a habit and if I do not stay focused, I feel like my whole body just craves for a relapse, as if my hand was waiting to go down there.
- I feel anxious and stressed and tired: I think these feelings make me want to relapse.

I am alone, in a room, struggling, seriously, to not to open a P site and M. I would never have thought I would have an addiction, and here I am.

 

Thank you very much WolfAMozart. I'll take a walk NOW !!!

 

Ok, day 10.

I have not touched my dick for M.

I am a little sad, I saw my ex-wife's instagram account. She has a pretty picture of her in a bikini saying: "This is a start of a new life. I am not 20 years old anymore and I don't want the same things than when I was younger. There are new opportunities that are coming and I'll take them." She is moving out of the city and she is planning to start a new business in her home town. She is very corageous.

Her instagram message depressed me. She cheated on me two years ago after 7 years of being together and after many many years of terrible sex (I understand that porn addicts, we are just terrible lovers) and each time she goes out on vacation, she sees the same guy with whom she cheated on me . Since our divorce, she has repeated that she wants to go back with me but I did not want to : our last years together were full or turlmoil; we tried to have a baby without results; she mistreated me very very often: and we lost all intimate interaction. She is 36 years old (older than me) and I did not want to go back with her because: 1. I do not want to be mistreated again. 2. I feel that she hates being alone, and maybe she just wanted to be back together because she has not found another good partner, 3. She has never opened completely about her cheating.

So this time, she stopped asking me to be back and she is moving on...

I feel bad, why ? I think it is because I have not moved on in two years. I am still stuck in this PM addiction ! Maybe I am jelous of her.

But what I know is that I want to be happy and independent and also want her to be happy. So it is very good for me and for her to stay away from each other and now I have to think only in my own recovery.

Today was also hard. I feel like my libido is dead, and I do not feel very well. A fellow fraponaut recommended to contact a sex addict. I think I will.

For all the men who are in this fight, I want to say that I did it today. Another +1 to my NoFap streak.

Let's move on, guys. Let's recover 'that something' that Porn stole away from us.

 

Thanks Hanuman and Trojan22.

Recap: It"s very early in the morning. I couldn't sleep anymore. I am neither excited nor aroused. I just want to lie and fap to produce some dopamine, become numb and go back to sleep.

I won't do it, though. This journey is going to be painful. It is being painful already. PM has become a way of living, a way of of coping with reality: fapping makes me numb to all painful truths I don't want to tell myself.

It's been like that for years. There is no way this is going to be easy. No way.

I am tired and I can not sleep. I feel in need, in need of a fix...

 

Hello Ridhor,

I'll start reading the thread now.

I did not do it. But man, I did not sleep. I am pretty tired.

 

Hello WWPA!

Yes, I have hobbies ! I'll stay out of social media ! No more instagram and stuff.

Thank you very much !

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OK, I've made it through day 15.

I perceive some small changes:

1. My penis is more sensitive
2. I feel a little more confident, less stressed.
3. My days are more productive.

I am reading three books:

1. Do not call it love (Patrick Carnes):

This book is about sexual addictions. In my case, PM addiction has been a coping mechanism with the harshness of life. Generally, when anxious, I would M to become numb afterwards. This worked for so many years but eventually it became too much. This book has some interesting information. I have been thinking about some stuff that I found in it: for example, my father almost never encouraged me but he used to put an enormous pressure on me to have good grades at school. I remember Christmas, when I was 12 years old, and I was studying while all my family was eating and relaxing. I used to feel that I, as a person, was worthless, and that the only way of getting some worth was from getting my father's recognition through achieving what he thought was important. In general, kids in these kind of families do not have strong psychological foundations, they learn to evaluate themselves in the eyes of others. So when they are criticized by others, they feel worthless.

(Yesterday I had a difficult discussion with my ex-wife and she told me a lot of harsh things. This book helped me to stay calm and to tell me that I am not the shit this woman is saying I am. That I am worth, that I love myself and that I must not take shit from anybody)

2. 12 rules of life (Jordan Peterson):
I became interested in Jordan Peterson for his controversial thoughts on feminism. I agree in some of his points. For example, I completely believe in equality of opportunities for women and men, but I think there are some feminists that have gone too far. I've heard some feminists talk about how women should be struggle to get to the top of the social hierarchies (which is OK for me) while men should be less competitive, more sensitive, more agreeable. In a debate, Peterson says that "agreeableness" is negatively correlated with salary,

I am interested in this topic because I am a very agreeable person at home and at work and I am underpaid, so in my case, having some women telling me that I should be more agreeable just won't work. On the contrary, I feel that I should be more confrontational in life and in work.

I read

 

I read 12 rules for life's chapter about Lobsters. I like it.

3. The great art (Rubem Fonseca):
A good novel for leisure time.

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Last three weeks I've been swimming as much as I can. I feel fitter and I started to get a plain stomach. I feel good about this. Exercise helps me to stay calm and to control anxiety. I think taking care of my body and my mind are very important steps to taking care of myself.

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Also, sex with my gf is becoming better. I feel hornier and last time, man, It was awesome. I could hardly believe how beautiful she was.

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That's all for today.

Let's continue with this.