The START 2021 STRONGER Challenge [CLOSED]

Hey man don't beat yourself up about your lapse. It can happen to any one of us. You had noticed that these lapses start with a feeling, or a seemingly innocent action.

You haven't failed, just as long as you learn from the lapse if you have a rlapse prevention plan, then update it accordingly.

And by the beginning of January you will have a good amount of recovery, so long as you GET BACK ON THIS NOW.

There is no reason January will not be good for you, because you are staying this process now. Forget NEW YEARS RESOLUTION, this is a resolution for the HERE AND NOW.

You will be successful, I have faith in you.

Peace ✌
☸ Brahmacharya ☸

Day

 

Day 12. Still feeling uneasy and "on edge" sometimes, although I have not looked at anything bad. I guess it is urges that are coming in. I know from experience that if I continue to deal with them appropriately, they will go away. I am just relaxing when they come by.

 

Yes, I realized that after I wrote that. Its still good though, 90 days on Jan. 1.

 

Thank you for the great message of encouragement. I have learned from the reset, but honestly, it is always the same lesson.
Lesson is always that I can not indulge in psub types of things and I need a better way on how to handle urges when they come along.

Lastly, I have NEVER edged before. The only reason I did so yesterday was simply I thought it was a loophole to keep my counter going and to remain in the challenge. I realized that is the wrong focus. I hope the next 89 days will be successful, but most of all, I want change in how I think- that will be real success.

I also realized how important it is to identify just what a relapse is. Actual definition is a return to addictive behavior, which we mostly refer to as PMO. In my own definition, once you approach PMO, it is too late, the line has to be closer if the goal is to become a different person. My definition going forward will be intentional entry of the funnel.

Day 1...

 

Excellent write up BC and something I would have taken better command of. Why did I relapse, it was in fact 3 days ago that I first made that first bad decision, all the while justifying why it was actually acceptable. To me this is the real problem, the justifications because this is all in our minds, it all starts and ends in our minds.

I can see that we tend to ask the wrong questions of ourselves. The question is not what can I do and still not cross that line into porn, it is what can I do to be as safe as possible.

 

I'm sorry for your relapse, NF, but appreciative of your realizations. You describe a spiral that I'm altogether familiar with myself - and one that I fear, especially with my own dabbling in searches - as it only takes one search, even if a hundred were previously and victoriously resisted. I understand but am somewhat concerned with your "new definition" going forward as "relapse is...intentional entry into the funnel." My only problem with the definition, which I have so very been through myself, is thinking that after such "intentional" (or even unintentional) entry into the funnel, I have already relapsed and therefore I might as well go all the way - which has so often been my behavior in the past. It's like the theology I've misinterpreted, twisted, and taken wrongly that if one lusts in one's heart and thinks of another woman, then one has already committed "adultery" (or fornication, or P, or whatever sin) with her in his heart. And, while this may be true on some level, it isn't equal to throwing one's hands up and just relapsing with PMO to completion or any illicit sexual behavior to completion. It is still, presumably possible, to salvage one's situation before full relapse and not go through with it, as difficult as that may be. I have never succeeded in doing it when I cross a certain line too far. It's also one of my fears. But, I imagine that it would be a true picture of the onset of real recovery if there are actual occasions when one indeed turns around after crossing such lines, especially if one doesn't usually do so. There are no missing links in the "recovery" fossil record; we should be able to find evidence of all the "in-betweens" in a real recovery excavation. It would be an extremely positive sign that one's behavior is turning around in these in-between times, until such crossings are no longer part of our repertoire. Yet, on the other hand, your new definition has some merit, but I would just tweak it a little, which I am going to do for myself; you may decide your own path. Rather than thinking about "crossing the line" as being an intentional embrace of relapse, I'm going to think of it more as an intentional embrace of occasions that can lead to relapse. For me there's a subtle but important difference. I have to know during such moments, should they arise, that I can still pull back, however far I cross the line, and not consider it a relapse. I would consider it a great offence of intentionally putting myself in harm's way and allowing myself to be tempted, which I have no moral right to do, but that's a different confession altogether. Best wishes!

.

 

Joe, this is indeed the very issue that I too have issue with. In fact, it is what happened yesterday. To be clear, what I was viewing was porn, even if I was not an actual porn site, still, once I realized that for my recovery, viewing porn is a relapse, I did make it official with the MO.
Relapse for me continues to be nakedness of my porn type because once I reach that point, PMO will happen.

Good to see your post here Joe and you are making very valid points which I will incorporate going forward.

 

Well, here I am, on Day 5.

Gonna spend today going to some support meetings, and look for somebody to be my sponsor (I also do the 12-step stuff). My actions define my willingness. If I take no action today, then my recovery is super duper questionable. Keeping it simple with a couple concrete actions today, let's me know I am willing and have a desire to stay on course. It also lets me know that I have given up the reigns, and am turning it over to others that actually are in recovery and are having success. So all I really have to do, is ask, and follow directions.

Happy Sunday!

-Tim

 

Day 2. I was at work today (I work at a coffee place). Last time I relapsed I had a day at work where I couldn't get the pretty women out my head. I'm having a real hard time with seeing so much different women every time I work for 8 hours straight. Gives me a real hard time staying focused. Coming back exhausted from a long day of work and having build up the sexual energy because I saw all the women, it's risky business.

Today I didn't really obsess about the women that I saw. Today is a good day .
Definitely not going to relapse. Tomorrow I got a audition for a band so I'm going to be sharp.

 

I watched stupidest thing but Ididn't relapse
Just a min before I was watching stupidest thing p
This happened like this .....
I was surfing on web about nofap benefits.. then there was one line saying that by doing nofap , you become horny*

My brain was literally vibrating to search that word on web. I knew the meaning of that word, yet l searched on web (subconsciously my mind knew what images would come, maybe thats why it happened)

Then got stupid images...one by one.....going on....then I guess I lost my control and said to myself that I will watch only images, only 5 images of p
Then I was sooo uncontrolled that I clicked on image link and watched that for 12 min. At the end I guess my Good Brain woke up and said "what The hell is going, STOP THIS CRAP!!!"

THEN I IMMEDIATELY CLOSED ALL TABS ON CHROME, AND CAME HERE

I DIDN'T TOUCHED OR FAPPED.
IF ANYBODY HERE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW


I don't wanna go back to those DARK DAYS OF MY LIFE

 

Thanks Buddy...
New decisions
1) Using GOOGLE ONLY ON MOM'S PHONE.
2) I WILL TREAT MYSELF AS IF I AM ON INITIAL PHASE OF NOFAP (WATCHING NO TV SHOWS , NO YOUTUBE RECOMMENDATIONS , JUST LITTLE CARTOON 'DORAEMON')

I won't end my Streak That easy
STRICT MODE STARTED


Feeling better now...

_______________________

A SMALL MESSAGE TO EVERYONE HERE

Even if you are out of urges or you have controlled heavy urges too
PLEASE DON'T LET YOUR DISCIPLINE GO
That's the key

_________________

Actually I made a mistake, thinking that "I am too long from pmo now, I can watch a bit of images " here I lost my discipline
So people always treat yourself in soldier discipline

______________________
Sorry people,
Everything occurred all of a sudden
- Got urges
- watched stupid things
- didn't relapse
- made some good decisions
- now motivated
- back on track

The day was bit confusing



__________________________

When you've been fighting for it all your life
You've been struggling to make things right
That's how a superhero learns to fly

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