Thank you guys so much - My story with gay fetishes

Hi guys, gonna share with you guys my story of porn escalation and how I saw my sexual attraction to women fading over time and then how I've managed to get it back through a lot of struggle. If you guys can, I want every single one of you who might be struggling with sissy, transgendered person, gay porn, or any kind of fetish that you don't feel comfortable with and that makes you feel super alone to text me and just let it all out, because I swear I would love it if there was someone like that for me back then. I want this post to be a place where people can just open up or bitch about all the toxic people out there that can make anyone with these types of unwanted and unnatural fetishes freak out completely through the "You're just gay with internalized homophobia" bullshit.

So basically I started my PMOing habits when I was around 13, always watched hetero porn and would get aroused to women, to be honest, back then I would never get a boner for a guy, but through time I started wanting to imagine how it would feel to be in the woman's place and got a huge rush and I absolutely hated it. I didn't bother me much because women would still arouse me a lot so even if I was bisexual, it surelly wouldn't be the lifestyle I'd enjoy following 100%, and I'd never felt the slightest thing for any guy in real life and also couldn't ever imagine myself with one. It would just be super gross so I just told myself I didn't need to act on it and got on with life.

What freaked me out was when I was around 16 years old that I found myself completely desensitized to women in porn and the only thing that would turn me on was men or imagining I was the woman in porn. If I tried to watch gay porn or solo male masturbation I would absolutely hate it and would stop watching it. I used to tell myself that it didn't matter because I didn't feel a thing for men and that in real life when I finally got naked with a woman it would work 100% fine. I'm still a virgin but after a while I started realizing that my attraction to women wasn't coming back and that maybe I wouldn't be able to perform with a woman and I started feeling horrible.

So this year (I'm currently 21) I'd already made the decision since the start of it that I would comfront this fucking monster and do something about it, even if it would take me being told I was in denial or having to come to terms with my sexuality. I tried a thousand times during this year to accept myself as gay but everytime it would feel absolutely horrible and I would remember how much I loved women, all the crushes I had in my life, all my dreams I had about living a life with one, kissing, hugging, living a happy life, and how I would have to let all that go just because of something that I knew porn had done to me.

I talked to my therapist, got medication for HOCD and started NoFap. I used Luvox, which helped control urges but it wasn't super powerful in doing that. From what I've read, it's the one that has the weakest effect on your libido so I don't feel like it was the only reason why I was able to get through on NoFap, and I still had urges in the beggining, they just weren't 100% uncontrollable to the point where I couldn't even sleep.
I also found a girl on an HOCD forum that I'm currently dating and think I'm in love with her. I feel so good with her and specially in the beginning would always get hard through texting super inocent stuff. I loved it, it seemed like she made everything bad go away in a matter of seconds with just the simplest message. We've already exchanged nude pics and although I didn't use to get hard to her pics imediately, I always did when she took her shirt off on skype with me (she's not from my country), or when we were just starring and complimenting one another and feeling super relaxed and happy. Pretty sure when we see each other we'll have lots of sex... I'm pretty sure she was also the most important piece in this puzzle to help me get past this hell.
After I started talking to her, it seemed like I had 0 arousal to gay thoughts, I could even have a few sensations down there from time to time, but hardly any movement and only if I actually tried to feel it.

I've managed to accomplish a 83 days nofap streak than relapsed to thoughts of her . I've masturbated a lot these last 3 weeks and even tried bringing thoughts of men back to see how I'd feel and felt absolutely NOTHING every time, thank god for that. I've decided I'll stop the medication 100%, so that I can make sure that these urges are actually gone due to progress with rewiring and NoFap. I'm on the start of my fourth week without the medication and haven't felt the slightest gay sensation yet so I guess there's good evidence that a lot of progress has been made. I've had HOCD medication to control the creepy thoughts, NoFap to stop the cycle of my brain needing more dopamine all the time, and a girl that aroused me and, besides helping me rewire my brain, that I could talk to and even cry to talking about my problems.

This is the greatest hell any heterosexual male can go through. It's something that you don't get to tell anyone ever and that you feel 100% alone. You feel ashamed and embarassed bc you feel like you're gay, you feel embarassed bc you feel like you're just a huge homophobe so that's why you can't accept yourself, and you also do because you're just uncapable of loving a man cause you're a huge homophobe in denial that sooner or later will give in to your deep inner desires. I've went through a lot of different places on the internet researching about this thing. I've managed to go to empty closets, UK's forum for HOCD, a group on fb for people who have HOCD and finally came across this one that made me feel so peaceful and a lot less lonely in my struggles. I think this shit needs to be more out there for people to see. There might be so many people going through this shit that will only ever hear "you're 100% gay and even worse than that, you're a huge homophobe" that it just makes me wanna punch every single idiot that tells them that.

 

I also forgot to say, It's been 3 weeks since I stopped my medication, I just wanna make it a month so I can be sure the urges are gone. (I wrote this post a while ago so that's why it might be confusing)