ashamed of same-sex encounter i had 4 years ago

Spoiler: Warning may trigger or offend someone

hile i havent had a long streak of nofap, i am not proud of the encounter i had 4 years ago.

i cant let go of the shame. what i did.. it feels filthy. to live with such a memory is yuck.

i was 26 years old. how could i be so stupid to have sex with another guy and do all this.

i was abused as a kid but i still wish i shouldve known better at 26.

i keep on google searching: any straight guys who regret their same-sex encounters.

nothing really helps. therapy didnt help much, nor did praying or confessing to the mirror or venting to my friends.
eventually it felt even the therapist got fed up and said: even ur body cells have changed now.

it feels yuck what i did.

 

to be honest this doesnt help
the fact that others have had similar experiences doesnt help me. m not dismissing your advice or being condescending. but it gives temporary validation only.

i've read comments on reddit about guys who regret gay sex. but that doesnt help. i wish all this hadnt happened.

 

cause it was yuck to me. i mean i dont want to indulge in that behavior. i am not attracted to men.
but i was such a sex addict most of my life.

i dont associate myself as a homosexual anymore.

the thoughts feel like electrocution.

but feel like ive crossed a line and theres no coming back now.

im not proud of it.

its shameful to even type the details of what happened that day thus im referring it as 'an encounter'.

***

the more i step out of that phase the more i regret what i was...

 

No response would make me feel better
ive heard most of them
--its because of abuse
--let it go
--shit happens
--forgive yourself
--forgive the abuser
--dont let the past control your future
--past is past
--pray
--meditate
--we all make mistake
--maybe this is your life's challenge. we all have life challenges.

nothing really helps except a time machine to undo the past.

 

been trying for the past 4 years.
did social work (taught kids at underpriveleged school)
went to gym twice a day
ran marathon

vented out on online forum
raged at the walls
prayed before God
kneeled for forgiveness

sexual abuse for years as a child --> identity issues --> gay porn addiction --> acting out

my porn addiction has reduced a lot. while i havent had a long streak, i dont watch hardcore porn anymore. the urges have also reduced from say 10 to 3.

i dont want to accept it that encounter was horrible. many lines were crossed.

i imagine an alternate past. feel unworthy of women. feel unworthy of any friendship. anyone i meet i end up whining about psychology or philosophy or life issues.

a very unfortunate life experience.

i dont even know how to live life anymore. i look in the mirror and theres a permanent frown on my face.

i feel so stupid. like got fooled or something.
all the time, i see crime shows on tv and relate to the victim.

yeah..

yeah ... n i just want to lie in bed all day...

 

using your mouse, select/drag through part of the message you want to quote, and you will get option: quote/reply.
select reply.

i thought by doing the act, i'd get the same kind of joy p-stars get.
prior to that i was engaging in very subtle gay encounters n then i'd regret it. but then i decided to do it all one day and have been regretting it since then.

i was in therapy from 2018 to last few weeks. yeah we discussed abuse in detail. that helped me come to terms with what i've done.

i thought i had recovered. but now. the more i come out of that phase, the more i regret why did that happen in the 1st place.

i tried to. talking to the therapist about it. reading stories of others who've been abused. watching interviews.

yeah hypersexuality can be a result of abuse. but i still wish it hadnt happened
the more i read, the more i feel angry.

***

life shouldnt be so random, so dependent on others. sure there are external factors but they shouldnt sway your life so much. my colleagues the arent much affected by others. at times i feel like my spine has broken.

 

i struggle with this. the firmer i am now with the addictions, the more i regret the person i was in the past. like wtf was i doing/thinking.

yeah the memory never goes, but this was good comment. the memories will always remain. people tell me to
--let it go... i wrote a letter n tore it apart. typed in a word file and deleted the file.
--its been years... and more time is just passing by
--forget it... theres no delete browsing history button on the forehead.

 

true.

hopefully. i'll let some replies sink in before posting my next reply.

one therapist had asked me to let the replies sink in.. and then reply instead of answering rightaway.

 

feel filthy, unworthy, less of a man, stained, unclean, stupid, someone whos got no self-control.

 

ive been having the same conversation for the past 4 years.
the recipients change from therapist to some friend to some forum... but the conversation is always similar...

saw tons of videos on youtube on
--regret
--closure
--let it go
--forgiveness etc etc

yeah.. true..
no amount of porn quitting can undo the stuff that i've done

if only there were a time machine...

 

hopefully...