Porn ruined my life.

Hello, im a 19 year old kid going on 20 and i have been struggling with an addiction to porn and “releasing” since i can remember. Over the years the content i watched and the overwhelming urges to “release” began getting increasingly more heightened. I really dont know where to start with this and I honestly feel ashamed that im here trying to type this out when i have years of notebooks since i was a young teen where i have written down the issues and problems that have risen from this monstrous disease. This will be long so anyone who takes the time to read it fully, thanks. I hope anyone out there in a similar situation can take heed to my warnings before they step over the edge like i have done recently and at the time of me writing this i am battling with strong suicidal thoughts caused from a recent action of mine as a result from all the childhood trauma combined with drugs and porn addiction, and that i know for sure is the cause of said action! See ive weighed all the negatives for the last 2-3 years of these habits very heavily, even gone on stints where im doing well and not watching porn or giving into the need to “release”, but the storys the same, I eventually give in. I know exactly the chain reaction of my descent into depression, loneliness, anxiety, and self hatred and how it all came to be. I can see the big picture now as ive been struggling with this for so long and have written down about it numerous times throughout my formative years trying to deal with this demon. I know exactly the origins of this demon and thats a place in my childhood, I believe 7,8 or 9 years old, where and it begins, I was molested on more than one occasion by 2 separate people. Family members, 2 other boys much older than me at the time. The funny thing is i had forgotten about this demented memory for a while until about 16 or 17 years old when i started using psychoactive substances pretty frequently and the memories started to creep back up evermore vividly. I remembered where it was, the rooms it happened in, the acts i was forced to perform on them and everything. And it all began spiraling out of control from then on. I couldnt come to accept that that had happened to me as i wanted to do some big things in my life, dreams i had, that i now feel are impossible for me to achieve because of such a blemish on my existence. But once i had come to grips with the fact that i had been molested, i thought about how the habit to porn use i was lost in since pre-teen and heavily into teen years must be a direct cause of the sexual abuse! But the realization didnt make me stop what i was doing even though i knew having the situation somewhat assesed, i shouldnt indulge in jerking off to porn for hours on end as that just feeds that demon that touched me as a child. Yet i did anyway. God i feel the sadness and tears held back while im typing this because i know im so much stronger than all this yet i gave in soo many times instead of just saying NO and moving on. All for just a stupid fucking momentary “release” of pleasure followed by instant sadness and hatred and disgust for myself. Everyfuckingtime!!! Being molested, combined with my upbringing we dont have a lot of money, and drugs and porn it all heightened. I began looking at more than just pornstars and progressed onto cam sites and even camming with others randomly just showing our privates, when it was to hard to find a woman to play with, i settled for a man to mutually play with. I have never been attracted to men in any sense of the word. I get turned on by women always and ive always been good at talking with other girls for the most part and they have been attracted to me many times. I dont mind telling another dude they look good and i can recognize a handsome fellow when i see one, im comfortable with my sexuality and know im straight. But i have to deal with the idea that my only sexual experiences have been with 2 boys when i was molested by them?And also relationships in general whether with another female on a friend or more than a friend basis rarely ever worked out cuz i barely liked myself i couldnt commit to any kind of relationship, felt i wasnt worth it. Including with my homies, which overtime the number of people i hung out with was significantly lower than when i was a kid and social and full of life and wonderful curiosity. I started to realize theres 2 types of me. One side is when my brain is operating on regular baseline reality. This is me. Who i am. The one writing this now is that part of my brain accessing all this information from an objective standpoint and seeing this shit for what it is. All the wrongs and whys and hows. This is the side of me that can go out into the world and be a somewhat productive member of society, and talk about everything and anything under the sun with pretty much anyone reasonably. This is the part of me thats human, the student, son, friend, worker, helper. The other though, is the possessed me, by that demon. Once the urge to “release” gets enhanced enough, theres no stopping me from feeding that demon that possessed me as a child by getting off to porn and other deplorable things on this world wide internet that people of all ages, young children have access too. The content and it all got worse. From getting off to regular porn to by the time i was 17 or 18 im 19 now, to trans porn and camming porn. Things I thought i would never get into no no way not in a million years I figured. Funny. I knew this was an effect of this porn drug. Ive abused drugs, i know what its like to develop a tolerance and need more of a dosage to get that fix. That’s exactly what this was. More nasty things i hadnt seen before to get me off. Id try and stop and go weeks without looking at anything sexually explicit, 2-4 weeks was usually the most id go without and id feel great. Just seeing a hot girl outside would make me feel like a normal man id really be turned on by her and i wasnt hating myself as much and i can talk more freely with people when i hadnt looked at porn or touched myself for weeks on end. But id always end up going back. And usually itd be either when i get really high and i get shameful and guilty at what ive done and being molested that id just give in and say this is who i am so might as well. Oh and its been about 2 weeks so who cares thats long enough was another bullshit excuse to give in to feeding that demon of mine. I was 18 and still hadnt lost my virginity when i had plenty of chances too with girls id meet whether at a friends place, work, or school and who were into me and wed text and talk to each other, but i never went the full route. I always backed off when i knew it would get to that point because idk i guess i was scared and also so used to the porn that i didnt think i could handle a real life girl smh. But i was 5 or 6 months into being 18 and i came up with the brilliant idea that the only way to cure this insatiable disease of watching porn and extreme porn and getting rid of the hauntings of my past was by losing my virginity. To get actual real life pussy was the secret lol in my messed up head at the time. Well, i ended up not being able to pick up a girl in the time frame i wanted i was so low on patience i couldnt just wait to find someone which is what i shouldve done. Then suddenly one day, while i was going on the usual porn binge, i came across an escort site. This was the beginning of the end. I didnt even know that stuff exited online anymore, i had thought they gotten rid of backpage and the craigslist encounters page or whatever but this site was working site. It started off id message a couple escorts at a time but never go through with it even when they responded. I could never push that button. Lose my virginity to an escort!!? Ughh! Why would i do that to myself or future girlfriend or wife .But my brain was tricking itself. It had to be done to get rid of this once and for all. And eventually maybe not even a couple weeks into finding that site. I hit up an escort and linked up with her at some hotel somewhere but i tricked myself into just getting head and that would be enough and that’s exactly what happened i got head but it really wasnt that great and i wasted 70 bucks. Not too long later i had to get pussy. So then i linked up with another escort. This also wasnt an all that attractive woman and never was my type to be attracted too. She was a biig women lol. And we did the thing. I had a condom and all I remember was busting in like 10-15 seconds lol. I spent like $200 for an hr and shed let me try again after that first bust but i was honestly exhausted and not really into it and i wasnt getting aroused or erect. And i was also so worried i might have caught an std after or something cuz i felt a burning sensation down there until i peed then it went away. But sadly that was how i lost my virginity. I didnt see another one after for little under a month until i did again. And also after that first one, that didnt stop my porn addiction. I still ended up watching it. But i did it with like 2 more other older females and then the 3rd one was disastrous. The pictures posted on the site were not at all what she looked like in person. I met her at some dirty motel and she looked horrendous. This was an old hag. Her skin was falling off her body. Her teeth were rottened and she was strung out of her mind. But i was so crazy and strung out of my mind from porn that i figured in my mind if i can laser in on one thing like “releasing” i can deal with the deformities smh. Anything to feed that goddamn demon. It didnt last with this one. As soon as i entered the room anything i said to her was a touchy subject and she was prone to snap. So i pretty much just tip toed around everything i said. Once she began blowing me which was awful, she asked how is it and i said not bad and she snapped and I respectfully said i didnt mean anything by it and she kept saying shut up louder and louder as i was trying to explain myself and i just got up started getting dressed and said im gonna leave. She was a nut! I asked if i can have some of my money back $200 bucks or more at least!!! And she said it doenst work that way and that her time is money and she counted the whole time we smoked some of my blunt together. Then i noticed a light in my eye and she was waving something at me, i said what is that she said its a tazer like what the fuck!!! I was just like i need to get out of here ima 19 year old kid with an addiction to “releasing” myself and here i am with some crazy old bitch barely able to string a sentence together. I couldve just hit her easily and got my money back but i was worried cops would get involved and i didnt want to do that obviously. So i left. I felt so low at that point i vowed id never see an escort again and ill never watch porn again. Haha. Funny. If only that was the case oh i wish. Time passes again, and i begin edging to porn and i get with another escort. This time it wasnt as bad this was the best looking one id come across but it was still not a pleasant experience. Time passes and im starting and stopping with the porn thing on and off tryna kick this habit but keep falling back into it. I even spent money on cam sites and to not just real women but to the trans cams as well. I kept sinking lower and lower and i knew i was but i couldnt do anything about it. No matter how badly i wanted too, i didnt. Then eventually, i got back on that escort site which is basically like amateur porn id sometimes go on there for the pictures and videos posted just to see those annd that was the trick too. In my head im looking at all this through the lens of porn. So that escort site had a trans escort tab and id look through that and send messages to some but id never commit to go. And i was sure id never step over that line. I was positive. But, and i can feel the tormenting feeling i have inside me bubbling up right now i fucking hate myself i can feel it. I hit up one i had seen a few times on there and even hit her up at one point before and she responded but i didnt. This time i asked how much for head she said 60 and i waited a couple hours and i drove to the address she sent me. The whole time my mind and body is saying dont do this youll regret it my soul was fighting for me and my heart was aching for me to just not go. I even put on trans cams to get me in the mindset of it all but amazingly looking back now and i know at the time i wasnt getting aroused at all. Its like i knew this was all wrong and im only going to perpetuate that same cycle ingrained in me as child, scared and vulnerable. I end up getting close to the location she sent me and i said im 5 min away when she sent me a new location to go to. And i did it was close by. When i was close by she texted can i call u to verify or whatever and i said sure and when i answered the call the voice on the other end was a deep voice it wasnt like the trans voiced id heard in porn or the cam sites, this sounded like a man. At that point im on 2 ends one side of me saying just turn around and go back home go back home and the other just saying its no big deal i need that fix. I end up pulling into the apartments i was sent too. I go by the doors she told me to go to and i see someone in a car infront of the door with long dreaded red hair step out, it was the trans. But looked nothing like the photos id seen at all. Jesus i feel so repulsed right now and anytime i recall it all. I’ll now use the pronoun he instead of she since this dude wasnt even trying to look like a woman besides the clothes. The face and facial features and physique were manly. I also had my corona mask on for my own shame and privacy obviously. He came closer and i swear this “trans” didnt put in any effort to look “girly” . He had a stubbled mustache, ashy lips, broad shoulders, it was a fucking man!!! The fantasty that i had in my head from the pornos was not the reality i was in at that moment. I couldve turned around right then and there and went back to my car and left. But the demon had me possessed. I followed him inside his apartment. And he asked for the money and i said i have 60 but i have 100 incase u need extra and i wanna do more than just head because your ass is what drew me in from the pictures. I literally said that trying my best not to make eye contact and only looking at specific body parts to keep me from realizing im actually with another grown man right now. Thats how fucked up i was and oh i did start getting high again a couple days before this and i think that plays a part in it all as well. So we did things. I never inserted myself in him at all i knew i would not do that and he insisted at one point but i declined thank god. He blew me and it took me a while to get erect but again im living through the lens of porn at this point in the middle of this. I wanted to fulfill that transwoman stuff id seen any cost. He turns around and starts shaking his butt and he told me to eat him out and i didnt even think i just did i was sissy hypnod ( i watched the hypno stuff as well and whoever makes those are sick people, i think it worked honestly) this is what i watched happening in porn and i wasnt gonna look at the face of who i was doing this too i was pretending it was like porn. I remember his ass smelling like shit and i was just holding my breath i couldnt fucking take it only did it for 15-20 seconds and stopped and he continued to sit on top of me and told me to lick his weirdly deflated tittys which i did moving my corona mask a little which i saw him looking to see who was doing this to him and i just hated it. The whole experience in my head the sane part of me is saying what are you doing to yourself right now you have gone too far. And finally i finished unfortunately in his mouth and as soon as i orgasmed the thoughts that ran through my head I remember clearly were along the lines of “i feel like shit, i hate myself, im in hell now” and i left. I think he could sense i dint enjoy myself as much either since the feeling of shame and guilt was palpable coming off of me, i was a victim of circumstance at that moment and as im about to leave he says “i dont wanna be a bitch but that extra 40? “ and i dont think twice and give it to em and im out the door. $100 for the price of my soul and pride and sanity. As soon as i got to my car i felt sick. I always felt like shit after anytime i met with an escort but they were all female and it wasnt nearly as sick and bad as i felt this time. My addiction had tricked me into seeing a man under the guise of “trans fantasy porn.” I drove to the spot i was originally supposed to meet him at and there were some back street warehouses or whatever there and i pulled in one lot and got out my car and threw up a lot. I can still smell the shit stink from her ass on my face and nose and i was not gonna swallow my spit until i got home and brushed my teeth and mouthwashed excessively and rubbed soap all over my face and body. Threw all the clothes i was wearing the washer and showered for an hour but i still felt soo dirty. I was sick to my stomach at what i had just done! Immediately i felt it all dawn on me and right now as i write this im 2 days removed from that experience. And my suicidal thought have run rampant. All i can think about are my family and friends who care about me and how much i care about them and how im at this point subhuman to them they are so much better than i ever could be. I even just started talking to this really beautiful and kind and smart sweet girl a week ago who is really into me and i just dont even wanna pursue anything with her anymore because i look in the mirror and i see a depraved sick being. Im lost right now. I reached out to a cousin of mine who once told me months ago hed been seeing a therapist and i got her number from him and ill be hitting her up soon. I know i wont kill myself. But God do i not want to be alive right now. All i can think about is how i did not wanna go through with it and the many opportunities i had not too. I understood i had to live with this the rest of my life beforehand I understood all the reasons WHY i shouldnt go through with it beforehand, yet i still did. This fucking demon that trapped me when i was a child won. I dont know what to do right now i was doing so good this month with everything im trying to improve on. But this last week i gave into the temptation once more, and it was the culmination of all the other times before erupting right before me. I dont know what to do now. If some people found out theyd just chalk me up to being gay or a fag. And i know thats bullshit and theres more to it than that. And i have no problem with gay people I think some of them are great, some of my favorite influencers and role models in life are gay people and it never mattered to me. I dont care what anyone is. I just know thats not me. But i am an ADDICT. I needed higher doses for that fix for that drug i got hooked on as an innocent child. I know this is all a result of my being molested the main culprit, combined with abandonment issues, porn at a very young age escalating through time, and drugs. All lead to that moment with escorts and lastly a ts escort that looked nothing and was nothing like the fantasy i had seen online and wanted to recreate in reality to find that fix. I believe porn is a demon in it of itself. I could only imagine a young preteen kid coming across hardcore porn, any kind of porn on the web and how much of an impact that might have on them through their formative years and beyond. I was molested as a child and finding porn was a perfect circuit for that experience to replay itself over and over again fucking me up. Nowadays kids dont need to get molested by someone, a young child can have their mind molested by porn and the only person to suffer the consequences of that is the child, while the porn industry capitalizes off billions of dollars from this suffering. Im sorry i know this was long and i had some tears flow down as im typing this out and the feelings of shame and guilt and disgust and despair hopelessness in the pits of my stomach have been extremely tough to bare with. And ill still have these things to deal with even after im done here. Idk if they’ll ever be a day it wont be. Im 19 years old going on 20 this month coming up and porn ruined my life, at least my childhood life stemming from molestation. Anyone in a similar position, get out while you can, its not worth it to keep torturing yourself and your much stronger than that feeling you get to touch yourself and “release.” I hope i can move past this experience and I understand its all because of my childhood sexual abuse turning into porn habits that led me to encounters with nasty dirty escorts. I would read the success stories on nofap here and it would motivate me and id even see the warnings from people on here about how powerful this addiction is and how it makes you do things that are not even remotely close to who and what you are as a human being. Yet i still caved in. This is such a dangerous thing. Porn was perfect for a kid like me who got molested on a few different occasions by 2 different family members both of the same sex and it just latched on to my vulnerability. Fuck porn fuck child predators fuck our society for allowing such a sick depraved thing be such a large part of our lives. I saw a quote recently that broke my heart and it said kids today are watching porn like we used to watch cartoons back then. I mean dam. This issue needs to be addressed man. I feel for all the young kids right now battling this. As we speak theres some young child on a filty porn site somewhere doing god knows what. This is a plague. I hope I can recover but i still cant believe i went ahead and did what i just did 2 days ago. I havent felt the urge to even look at porn or anything sexually related at all since im so disgusted. But i know itll creep up again. And i wont give in this time but i feel its too little to late. Ive crossed the line and i have to figure out a way to go back. I dont feel like a man right now. I dont feel connected to anyone in my life right now. I dont even feel human anymore. I feel subhuman. Thank you to whoever read this far and im sorry it was so long but im grateful theres a place like this where i can vent and let this all out because theres no one i can talk to about this right now. Its funny cuz ive always been the person to help people with their problems im always the one who seems to be able to rebound and brush things off that happen in my life and focus on the big picture ahead. But all a long i been dealing with the resurgence of my childhood trauma the last couple years combined with a massive drug and porn addiction into the very recent escort thing. You think you know someone, but you truly don’t. Theres more i know i could say but i think this is more than enough sorry for the long essay. Bye.

 

Whats up. I appreciate you guys. Your words mean a lot and it helps. I posted something on here yesterday, pretty much an update on where im at now so in response to what KBF and runner, i dont really know what to say at this moment but ill put here what i said yesterday. I check this site almost everyday to help reconcile my own issues im faced with pertaining to this unfortunate situation. I posted my story a few weeks ago called porn ruined my life no shocker there lol, and Im still struggling with being comfortable living in my own skin, i still let the dirty perverted things i did in the past effect my mood and how i feel about myself overall. Just battling shame and guilt constantly right now. Sometimes those thoughts dont pop in when im being consistent with good things and working or doing something righteously and i can go about my day or night, but when they show up, and its frequent, its not a good feeling. Its like i still cant believe i went and saw a ts escort is whats killing me the most. And i knew how bad my addiction to pmo was and i still let it get the best of me fuck man. If theres any moment i wish i can take back itd be that moment when i was in my car and my heart and soul was telling me dont do this but the damn chemical imbalance in my brain pushed me to it anyway. I needed to “release.” Smh. The whole time I knew it was wrong, and I knew I’d regret it! To anyone reading this struggling with pmo, take it from me. I thought I had it figured out, i knew all the ins and outs of the habit and how it was effecting different parts of my life, yet it still helped force me into doing something i never thought in a million years id do. Then again , im no stranger to strange, reluctant, not really at all wanting to do a sexual act being molested as a young boy and being introduced to this sickness and what not but, it is what it is. Porn made it much worse than if i was just molested. Being exposed to porn on the web makes for a bad combination if you were abused as a kid. And in general even if you werent molested, its still molesting your mind if your a young kid looking at the shit we see on there. Fuck pornography and its billions of corporate dollars it generates and is pushed out and marketed by to make kids addicts to it. But im tryna continue moving forward thank you to whoever read i really appreciate it ❤️

 

Once again. I relapsed to porn after 3 days of going strong and feeling somewhat better and boom. Last night outta nowhere i give in to the temptation and i feel like shit. It was only5-10 minutes and thats all it took to negate all the progress just 3 days of being clean does. Well, im not gonna let it keep me down. I know what to do. Im gonna continue to read up on some of the books i been on lately, ima continue to write down in my notebooks, ima still go to the gym and train, i signed up for a month with this personal trainer mma and i know that’ll help me. And im gonna just try to act righteous in my actions as much as possible. This mess is not who or what i am and i will be free from it all before i even know it. Appreciate this platform here, i will keep coming back to it for accountability.

 

Maybe a i shouldnt look in the mirror too much. I feel i could never look like myself anymore because i just see the guy who was molested, lost his virginity to and only had sexual experiences with women who were escorts, and who saw a ts escort once, always in the reflection. I see a scumbag, a lowlife. Filth. I feel like im living my life as a lie. I get it. Dont let the past define you. Look and move forward. But jesus talk about easier said than done. Thats all i can feel. I know its not logical, but its how i feel. And idk about reaching out and going to a sa group. Maybe i should. But that would make me face this shit head on and it would make the problem much more real than just in my head and feeling. and maybe theres fear involved in facing it. But man am I disappointed in what ive let myself become. I really let myself go these last few years. Is there a chance at redemption for me? Can i eventually live in a time and space where this situation would just seem so minuscule compared to the grand scheme of things. I hope so. Is there any hope left? Im 1 day in from abstaining. Maybe the more days i do abstain the more these thoughts and feelings will subside, which they usually do less of overtime. But i need to never do it again. I have to at least try reaching a year without indulging. I will Thanks. Just needed to vent. Again.

 

Some days i wake up now and theres this stinging pain of regret and shame in my gut or stomach area. I still feel so bad about what ive done. I feel completely separate from my family and friends, and i feel like im not even connected to that inner child no more because ive corrupted myself. Jesus christ man. I hate this feeling and i wish i never went through with seeings escorts in the first place. I havent pmod in a few days but i still dont know if i can ever get past this. I feel like i legit ruined my life and any sense of manhood and self respect that was left in me has been depleted by a lot if not all since that occurred. At this point, im just here to let it out for a little bit of relief but i know how ill be feeling in a couple of hours and days. Thanks to whoever read.

 

I appreciate your guy’s words very much, it does mean a lot. I have seeked professional help as of late, last week actually and it definitely was beneficial to let some of this out to another human being instead of it being confined to my own head and bottling up inside. I never thought id be in this predicament. Damn. But ima keep moving thats all you can do. Thanks again, wish anyone here tryna improve on their life all the best in their endeavors