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Edging at work...

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by bookjunky, Oct 13, 2020.

  1. bookjunky

    bookjunky Fapstronaut

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    I am the wife, not the addict. My husband just divulged everything, after thinking he was almost at a year of no PMO or MO. I have to say I pretty much knew, as he still has extreme PIED.

    He just confessed to some really dangerous behavior and I could use some encouragement that there is hope.

    He is looking at Facebook profiles and edging through his clothes at his desk at work...when others leave the office. He is a government official. He knows how dangerous and risky this is. He says he literally doesn't know how to stop touching him self.

    As the wife, I have now idea how to help or what to do. I am just so lost. Is this way more than P-addiction? Has anyone overcome this?
     
    again and +TenPercent like this.
  2. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    There's lots of people who watch porn/masturbate at work. One thing he could consider is only being in the office when other people are there. It's humbling to do, but that may be helpful I heard someone say that helped them. They made the boundary that they would only be at work when their co-workers were there.

    The other option would be if he can get something like Covenant Eyes or a program like Cold Turkey installed on his computer to help him with those temporary urges.

    And finally, I would say if he can call you or his sponsor as he is tempted to edge. That's a next level of maturity that I find is pretty rare in most guys though. I've been calling my sponsor pretty much every day for the past 140 days and yet I've still had a fall during that time period.
     
  3. Wow, I am impressed that he had the courage to admit this to you and that he trusts you enough to divulge this. Most addicts would never admit this to their SO. My girlfriend has simply told me "I don't want to know" any details about my porn addiction. It's promising to hear that you both have good communication (at least now, after his confession) and I believe that there is more hope for your husband if he has your support.
    I have edged and MO'd at work to the point that a few times I had to
    intentionally spill something on my pants and/or make an excuse to long lunch and return to work with a different set of pants.
    In my experience - unless he does something to profoundly change this will likely get worse, not better. Repeating this behaviour only makes it more likely and the shame of it just adds more fuel to the fire. Part of my "bottom" was repeatedly finding myself triggered at work and compulsively acting out, and by "compulsively" I mean that it seemed like I was powerless to stop the behaviour, despite the potential consequences.
    It's not hard to imagine what would happen if he were caught, especially if by the wrong person. Many people have lost jobs for this sort of behaviour. Some have ended up in jail, and we all know what kind of stigma that brings.

    Tell him to get help. If he can quit on his own, great. If he can't, consider therapy, 12 step groups, treatment. Worst case scenario, he can talk to his boss or HR department . . . but that should be a last resort.

    I apologise if this is triggering for you or anyone else reading this response, but a man can only edge himself through his pants to Facebook so many times before it escalates to porn and/or making a mess in his pants.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. I would also edge at work and I also work in government. But i edged through social media profiles and TMZ articles. I never touched myself at work, because that's too risky and a line I don't want to cross.

    I would encourage your husband to a join a support group on this site or another site such as recoveredman.com. Worth every penny in my opinion. You might want to encourage him to sign up for a membership where he can get a lot of 1 on 1 attention. It's been really helpful for my recovery. My first reboot i was able to go 151 days without looking at porn, masturbating and orgasming. I slipped up on day 152 when I had an argument with my fiance, I looked at porn but didn't masturbate.

    Please note there is no 1 magic bullet for recovery. Your husband might need a multitude of things in order to find the most effective forms of recovery for him. Examples are: pop up blocker, accountability partner, weekly support group meetings, developing self care habits such as exercise, regular good quality sleep, meditation, cold showers etc. Hope this is helpful feel free to ask me any follow up questions or let me know if you need me to clarify anything.
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  5. bookjunky

    bookjunky Fapstronaut

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    He has started coming home this week for lunch instead of being left in the office when everyone else goes to lunch. He is military, so putting Covenant Eyes on his computer is not an option. Or any other software. He is looking at FB profiles and making up "games" with the profile pictures to get arroused. He has also used Reddit. Things that wouldn't technically red-flag at work.

    His phone has parental code (me, via his request) and he has NOTHING on there. He has the weather and the ability to Marco me. He doesn't even have apps with any GIFs....He has no access to any computers at home. I found out that he was using his play station to look on the internet and Youtube for porn when I would go to the grocery store like 2x a month. I'm not sure where he would get a sponsor.
     
  6. bookjunky

    bookjunky Fapstronaut

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    It is encouraging to know that he isn't the only one risky enough to do this. We are both terrified. He is in the military and cannot put any blockers of anything on his computer. We are stationed overseas and have found little help. The mental heath specialist that he saw gave him Pills and told him he "can keep his porn away from his wife if she doesn't like it..". So basically telling him to lie to me since I'm a prude.
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  7. bookjunky

    bookjunky Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I am stilled beyond socked that he has crossed the line. He was looking at Facebook profiles as well. His FB is now deactivate, but I know that won't stop him. He has tried to do a hard mode and made it 7 days. Thats it. As a married couple, going hardcode for 120 seems near impossible. We both exercise regularly, count macros, he has a BLANK phone with only weather and Marco Polo. It is passcode locked for everything (I have the password). We both feel pretty hopeless. He is IT, so he is ALWAYS on computers for work...
     
  8. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Marriage oath?

    Besides, the man in question seems to be aware of the problem and admits helplessness. This is exactly the reason why he should get help, and not be abandoned. I praise all wives who faithfully and tirelessly support their husbands with their addiction, even when they are hurt by it themselves.
     
    Deleted Account and bookjunky like this.
  9. bookjunky

    bookjunky Fapstronaut

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    I can tell that you are really passionate about women not staying in an unsafe or miserable situation. I am also SUPER passionate about that. I'm honestly even shocked that I find myself in this situation...but here I am.

    After scouring these forums, almost all porn addiction comes with secrets, a.k.a. lies. It is devastating, soul crushing and just sad. Mainly because I know that my husband is MUCH more than this addiction...

    My husband grew up in an extreme fundamentalist household, where all thoughts and acts towards sex were wrong/sinful. So, when he discovered porn, it was his secret. He thinks the root is his need for some control that he didn't have as a child/teen. He also just told himself that it was way better than having sex or thinking about real women.

    He was a virgin when we got married, at the age of 26. He thought it was because he was so strong, but come to find out, he didn't get aroused with real women because of PMO. I did find out about this about 6 months into our marriage, because of the extreme effort it took to get him aroused enough to have sex. He/we have taken lots of measures to work on this together. A year ago, he set out to do hard-mode. I now know he made it all of a little over a week. He said that he felt so much shame that he just kept thinking "I will conquer this, and THEN tell her that I slipped up". His few times of slipping up over the last year and then edging at work recently are nothing compared to the 2-3x a day he was doing when he was single. He is working so hard...he is ashamed. He wants to change. This is why he told me everything, even the dangerous things or things I could possibly never find out (like looking at FB profiles).

    I will never leave him simply because he kept this addiction a secret for the last year. I made an oath, in sickness and in health. I AM the woman I want to be. I am a mother to 4 beautiful children with this man. He is involved, engaged, and works hard to provide for us.

    Sure, he has THIS issue. It SUCKS. It's lonely as a wife. But...so many of the families I know struggle with absent fathers, men who can't keep a job, men who gamble or spend behind their back, men who come home and hop on Netflix or their phone instead of playing with the kids, overweight men who don't help their wives cook or work out and take care of them selves. My husband does laundry, cleans, helps homeschool and teach our children.

    Again, I want to say THANK YOU for standing up for the right for women to leave and not stay...this is not that situation. I feel so hopeless in an addiction that I cannot relate to and I was hoping to see come success stories, that other men have been this deep and still found their way out.

    The grass may be greener on the other side, but the water bill is MUCH higher. I would never ever trade any of these things.

    And, we don't fight. Ever. People don't believe us, but it's true. Even through this we are extremely affectionate and our kids see loving parents who are together and engaged and loving to them and each other. If we argued, yelled, called names and slept separately, I would absolutely leave.
     
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  10. SynapticMagic

    SynapticMagic Fapstronaut

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    If that's really what she wants, which I would assume she does since she liked your post and ignored mine, then all the power to her. Much of what I said still stands. Both she and her husband must realize that he has been living a fabrication for a year and she doesn't know who she is married to. The sooner they both realize that, the sooner they'll be able to begin making positive change. It is going to take a lot of work for them to real their relationship. Though I'm sure they both already know that.

    Either way, I think what's also true is that, "faithfully and tirelessly," can become extremely self-abusive. A failed marriage is not a sin against God when the other person doesn't improve. It is for them to decide, I cannot make that decision. However, what I would ask you, is would you expect her to continue working faithfully and tirelessly 10 years from now? Would you still praise her for sacrificing her life to help this man who has shown no improvement then?

    Perhaps I spoke to soon in the story when I recommended divorce, but this idea that she should stay in this marriage faithfully and tirelessly forever, without improvement on his side, is just damaging to herself and to him. Like I said, there will come a point when it becomes clear that divorce is the only thing that will make him cross the threshold of recovery. If we fool ourselves by holding onto some ideal that all the evidence shows is clearly impossible, then all we do is masochistically damage ourselves and damage the person we claim to love. At that point, all she would be is an enabler for her husband's addiction.

    I sincerely hope you aren't at that point @bookjunky, so here are some books for your husband to read that can help:
    1. Alexandra Katehakis - Erotic Intelligence (couples healing)
    2. David Deida - Way of the Superior Man
    3. John Bradshaw - Healing the Shame that Binds You
    Good luck to the both of you.
     
  11. bookjunky

    bookjunky Fapstronaut

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    I didn't ignore you, I promise. I just wanted to take sometime to carefully consider my words before I spoke out. I appreciate the book recommendations, I will have to look those up. We have You're Brain on Porn, Quit Porn get Rich, and Cupids Poisoned Arrow which we have both read. I wouldn't tirelessly and faithfully stay forever. But as I can see in this whole forum, these things can take time. My husband has been addicted since 14. Thats more than half of his life. I know it will take more than a year to beat this. I wouldn't stay forever though, no. But I will stand by his side and fight with him as long as its safe and healthy for me to do so.
     
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  12. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Ok. I wish the OP persistence and faith, and I wish @SynapticMagic more faith in humans and their capacity to bear sacrifices.

    By the way, what's so horrible about working for the military and masturbating in the office, other than the obvious (underperformance etc.)? He will start making pink tanks?

    Why is Facebook not blocked on his company PC? I thought it was standard practice these days.
     
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  13. bookjunky

    bookjunky Fapstronaut

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    I wish it was. They are aloud to look at FB, IG and general Google searches. So even on google, he can look up "tattoos" and see suggestive photos...

    If there was someway to put a blocker up, he would. But he also recognizes that he has to beat this outside of blockers for longterm recovery.
     
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  14. bookjunky

    bookjunky Fapstronaut

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    Thats the crazy thing, he said because everything is blocked for the most part, he has resulted into games or fantasies he creates with random women FB profile pics in messenger (He DID have messenger on his phone until this). He would create scenarios based on that small image.

    It's all very confusing, as I have an extremely high sex drive and am available ALL THE TIME and down for pretty much anything. He assures me, and I believe it, that it's not about me. He has spent more than half his life with a sexuality based on pixels. He loves sex when it can happen. He won't stop smiling and saying how much better it is and how he loves the lack of shame with is.

    He is terrified of losing me and the 4 kids. As we speak, I am getting text after text about how he will conquer this. How he is AWAKE and ALERT and will not be this man. I obviously want this fervor for change, but know that its not that simple.

    Neither one of us can even imagine how someone can go even 90 days hard mode, especially married.

    Thanks for your replay.
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  15. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Especially in the contemporary, sex-obsessed culture there's plenty of stimuli.

    With 4 children at home it's not that easy. Children need and deserve their father and it is the wife's duty to secure his presence and well-being - and vice versa, obviously.

    As a man, I feel sorry for OP's husband, but also have to condemn him for hurting his wife like that - in case he ever reads this.
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  16. bookjunky

    bookjunky Fapstronaut

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    He read most of them when he came home from work for lunch (we are in overseas, so it's later here). He is terrified of losing us. He has spent a lot of the last week crying, listening to podcast. No one WANTS to touch themselves at work. This seems to be a compulsive, addictive behavior with arousal. He feels evil and like a monster. I am a little shocked at the overall condemnation on a group of people who are speaking in the "problematic behavior" portion of this group. He knows how big of an issue this is. This is why I/we came here. It IS super problematic. We know that. We're both scared. I am scared he won't ever get better. He keeps saying that surely, no one is as messed up as him. He needs help, encouragement and ideas for how to battle this. I need hope that men have been THIS bad and come through the other-side. He can't get on this group at work so I do a lot of the asking and we read it together when he gets home.
     
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  17. bookjunky

    bookjunky Fapstronaut

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    I really appreciate your comments. I have been very firm. Thankfully I am an educated, very willing and capable of taking care of myself and not afraid to leave. BUT I don't want to. He is my favorite person in the whole world and other than this issue, we have a blast together. I hope I don't ever have to leave.
     
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  18. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Don't get me wrong bookjunky; from what you're saying your husband is certainly a great person, but a sin is a sin and shouldn't go "uncondemned". I am intentionally using this strong word to emphasize the severity of his wrongdoing in the context of the condition of your marriage and your family. He is putting his job at risk, which can obviously also compromise your family budget, as I imagine. Hell, in fact I'm procrastinating a little by writing this now (I'm a translator and also work on PC 100% of time), and I should be condemned by this also... But since nobody knows, all I can do is condemn myself. I actually wish somebody condemned me too, to make me wake up a little to the unacceptability of procrastination.

    As for the sex-obsessed culture: the way I see it is that self-discipline is obviously a must, but why should we be constantly exposed to stimuli bringing us closer to the vice? Either way, I'm not advocating the imposition of any legal prohibitions in this field, in case you thought I was. But all those marketers have billions of relapses on their conscience for sure.
     
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  19. bookjunky

    bookjunky Fapstronaut

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    I get that. I need that perspective from those on the addict side. Everyday since he told me everything (last Wednesday) he has a terrified look in his eye saying "I'm NOT going to lose you. I will beat this.". But we both have moments where we don't know how change will actually happen. It seems so impossible when you are in it which im sure you understand). Him knowing that I will and can leave is necessary, as I do NOT want to just enable this. Because I adore and love him, I have to follow through if he doesn't change, because he IS worth more than this addiction.
     
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  20. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

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    Why not first condemn and then try to figure out a solution? Nobody's saying that we should "continuously" condemn anyone. Condemnation is the backbone of any moral system, and moral systems are the backbone of civilisation.
     

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