Edging at work...

Why not first condemn and then try to figure out a solution? After all, nobody said we should "continuously condemn" anyone. Condemnation is the backbone of any moral system, and moral systems are the backbone of civilisation.

Either way, I'm off to work for now, as procrastination won't get me and wife closer to that dream house of hers! By the way, I'm married to an abusive wife with emotional disorders (most likely childhood-induced) who's been physically abusing me for 4 years. We've been doing counselling for half a year now and our family is under the supervision of welfare institutions, the local court and the police. I still love my wife and she loves me. And we have two beautiful children. And I'm telling anyone suggesting a divorce to basically go away, because he's confusing marriage with an afternoon tea. I'm also struggling a little with P addiction these days. It's not severe and I'm generally in control, but if my wife happened to find P in my browser history (and she IS intrusive) that would likely turn our relationship into another nightmare. I don't know if our marriage will remain a cycle of her "aggression relapses" lasting another decade before it finally gets better, but even then - I'm prepared and I'm taking all the steps possible to avoid this - other than escaping through a divorce. I'm a child from a divorced family and I know the pain. I also know what it means to have a dad missing from your adolescence.

This is not to hijack OP's thread though; I'm only writing this to reinforce the OP's resolute intent of preserving the family. I don't see threatening your husband with a divorce bringing any positive result other than putting even more emotional burden and fear on his back. You should work out solutions and you should escalate the problem, however. And yes, you need to clearly emphasise his wrongdoing. Also, don't shy out from talking to his family maybe (with a positive and solution-oriented attitude), if they're reasonable people.

 

These are all really good steps. I think having walls is also helpful for me. Not necessarily for everyone. For me walls like this make me feel safe/secure.

Here's some things that sound like he may be missing that could be helpful.

1. Something he's passionate about. As porn addicts we often can be pretty boring people. Our only novelty comes from acting out/fantasizing/etc. If he can find something to be passionate about that would be great! It sounds like he's pretty bored of his work, so if he can find something to get some healthy novelty in life I think that's really important. Often the futility of our lives can make us seek something that feels fulfilling like sexual stimulation.
2. A sponsor. He can find one at a 12 step group. For instance, I'm part of a Christian SA group, but there is also SA. Or SAA. www.recoveredman.com as mentioned earlier by @sleepingdragon_3388 is also a good group. I really appreciate the host of that podcast. He could find one through a Pure Desire group, etc. There's lots of places!
3. He has to own this. And it sounds like he is by telling you these things, and asking you to put a lock on his phone I've done the same and my sister is supporting me with being my AP for my phone. You also have to realize that you can't save him. You can support him but you can't save him. That's what I'm learning in 12 steps. As a sponsor, I can't save anyone I'm just there to support them and encourage them on the path.

And I just wanted to say, thanks for being one of the few women who is understanding of this terrible problem. The women in my life who don't judge me and instead support me and want me to succeed and are kind to me even though I struggle with porn are some of the best people in my life. So thank you!

 

This may work for some people but shame or shaming someone is not a good way to try to beat this for me.

 

Condemning can be just a concise statement, saying "I hope you realise what you did (again) is wrong, inflicts emotional pain on me and compromises our family's standing". It doesn't have to be brought to the point of "shaming". The "moral offender" should feel ashamed automatically, in a way.

 

This is a point missed so far. At work we should be working. When we get distracted it means we are either not interested and passionate about our work, or we lack focus. Rather than trying to avoid something, tell him to kick ass at work. Take on more responsibility. More interesting projects. Work on his focus and concentration. Less avoidance, more redirection. Tell him to get a planner and account every half hour to you. Try various focus techniques like pomodoro. Sad his childhood was so messed up.

 

Addiction takes a toll on those closest to the addict so it’s important to be aware of the damage it does. Not all addicts are hopeless cases.

it takes strength to stay with an addict but make sure you set boundaries. Why aren’t Facebook or Reddit blocked on his phone? In fact, all social media and dating sites should be blovked. Pic sites like Tumblr and Pinterest too.

overseas is tough b/c support network is not there. Use what you can—this forum, online therapy, etc.

He needs to figure out the cause of his addiction—addiction is always a symptom of something deeper: pain, trauma, etc.

 

I don’t disagree with you and this should be the long term goal. Short term—you have to remove the substance from the addict. Some people have control and some don’t. Social media is not a necessity. You don't have to have it. And when it’s your primary “fix” why wouldn’t you block it? Eventually maybe he can use it again—maybe not. But agin—it’s not essential.

 

Wow, It's amazing how these threads can really take off without the OP!
@bookjunky - I'm really impressed to hear about your relationship and the commitment that both of you have towards preserving it.
Someone mentioned AA and I think that's a good way to approach it . . . as a disease. Some diseases are not beaten by willpower alone and some will kill us if we don't find the right treatment.

It's great to hear of your book list and to hear that you have read those books. Cupid's poisoned arrow is one of my favourites. It sounds like you and your husband are trying everything that you can possibly think of. Have you tried a 12 step group for sex addiction. The main ones that I can think of are SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous), SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) and SA (Sexaholics Anonymous). There are a few others as well, but not as widespread. SA is very faith based / conservative leaning - so depending on how your husband currently feels about religion and Christian values, this may be either more appropriate or not so much.

Attending meetings in person is ideal but, especially now, there are many meetings that are available online and they are free (donations encouraged, not required). There are also phone meetings. Perhaps you and/or your husband could explore their respective websites. Maybe try to get a hold of their basic texts (each one has it's own book).

Lastly, I would suggest meditation. It sounds like you are both pretty disciplined, so you may have good success if you make meditation part of your daily practice.

 

More difficult to block at work. He may need to try focusing techniques, like pomodoro, to keep focus on work.

 

Yes—less Jesus, more counseling. Look for a group that has someone trained in counseling, not just theology. Ask about credentials and education.

and as @sclguy says, the Christian component in 12-step groups way different than churches. 12 step can be immensely helpful.

 

A Christian version of SA or SAA or SLAA is Samson Society. That's the one I'm part of! I'd highly recommend it.

And yes, I think many guys don't understand. They either are in denial and they still struggle with it. Or they maybe saw some magazines a few times and then never fell into it again. The way my sponsor told me is that they just didn't know how to help. They weren't equipped. And that's the benefit of a group like Samson or SA or SAA these are people who understand that it's literally like detoxing from drugs. It feels like you're going to die at times without your drug. And it helps to be with people who understand that and who have the grace and kindness to walk through it all with you. There's often so much baggage underneath as well and I'm recognizing I'm not just a pmo addict but also a control addict as well.

 

When my husband started working recovery we blocked everything he owned at home and or got rid of internet entirely. He then went to his boss, told him of his problem, and they blocked everything at work. Although he never had a problem at work, he wasnt going to take a chance that with no access at home he might. Then after training another person to take over the social media accounts he switched job positions. On top of that , he asked his boss to be one of his accountability partners. Your husband has to want recovery more than he wants anything else. My husband has relapsed/reset 3 times in almost 2 years. Rather than slacking off in this time he has actually added things to his recovery work. Your husband will need to make it impossible to act out at work, because in the beginning it is incredibly hard for them to get even a few months of sobriety. Especially if they have escalated to risking their job.

 

I haven't read the entire thread, but you could have your husband consider going to a certified sex addiction therapist. They deal with pornography addiction as well. I've been to one and am going to another in a few weeks and what they've taught and explained to me has been really helpful in my recovery. Sometimes the addiction goes much deeper than we realize (at least that's a truth I'm finding out about myself) so it could help your husband as well.

I've had many of the same issues he has with work. If we addicts want to find it, we will find it somehow, no matter how many blockers you put in the way.

 

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) then. It's very much a faith based program and your husband will develop a support network of men who all aim for no sexual behaviour outside of sex with their partners and no masturbation. There is also a program for spouses called S-anon. Or maybe it's CoSA. I forget which one is which, but both are programs for the partners of sex addicts. I hope you both find the help and support that you need. I do believe that it is absolutely possible for him to over come this.