This sh*t sucks

JorgeM · Oct 15, 2020

I’ve been off Porn for about... I don’t even know. I just know it been about a month and half or so, and so far has been pretty good I’ve been going to the gym and gaining good habits. I’ve also been trying a little harder in therapy recently to help my anxiety which is what I am diagnosed with.
But about 10 minutes ago I looked at NSFW images and not only that but it was of gay men. You see As a kid I would pop a boner at the sight of a slightly thick girl, or the Latina on those magazines my mom would have occasionally. Now I struggle to even feel attracted to women, and I don’t really feel attracted to men. I’m not gonna say I have HOCD because I feel it’s a cop out for people who just might be curious. I want to love women like I used to its just that I feel so castrated like I lost a part of myself.
this whole idea sprung about when I was high in high school where I felt extreme attraction to a trans girl on a vice video while me and my buds were high. Ever since then the idea in my head was “ Am I gay?” I even had a panic attack the day after, where I kinda paced around my room just thinking about it. I remember it feeling like my whole life was a lie and that I was never even into girls. Fast forward 4 years and I end up doing a DMT experience, at this point these thoughts were not as strong and were manageable, but after taking about 5 doses the past trauma came back to haunt me and ever since the experience I’ve had a hard time even feeling sexually attracted to girls. This turned into a spree where I had to prove to myself that I was straight by watching ALOT of porn. This stabbed me in the back down the road and I ended up watching transgendered person Porn and then bubble butt twinks. The sad truth is, is that I may never feel the same towards girls again. The butterflies, looking into the eyes of a girl you like and feeling warm, talking to a beautiful girl and your heart is racing and you can feel your blood spike on your finger tips and rush of a cold hot feeling down your back. God damn I miss those butterflies, I don’t wanna be cheesy but it’s so true, I just want to feel again. It’s been 2 years now since I took DMT and even now I still feel nothing. I’ve had a 87 day streak and I still felt nothing, I meditate often, I workout a lot, I’ve joined boxing to release my anxiety on the bag. Even after all that, I still feel nothing.
I’m not here to ask for assurance if this is HOCD or not, I really don’t care and even if it is I learned that looking up shit just makes things worse. I’m just here to rant about how I feel and be completely honest.

Also Porn sucks and should be banned because if there are others like me out there I REALLY WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK AND MY LOVE.

alphakadabro · Oct 15, 2020

Keep going on your no-PMO. All of these fetishes will disappear. As your brain heals, you will become open to reality and experience again. One day a beautiful, sweet and gentle woman is going to enter your life unexpectedly. It always happens when you least expect it but when you have been preparing the way with good karma.

ss1111 · Oct 16, 2020

I believe you are in a flatline right now. Flatline depends on different people. Cut everything that is a trigger off. Let your brain heal, trust the process as alphakadabro said.

Ancaria · Oct 16, 2020

I want to challenge you with a few questions. What if you're gay? What's the problem with that? Or what if you're not attracted to women anymore? Isn't life about more than sex? Can't you still have a fulfilling relationship with a person even if you don't want to have sex with them? (asexual people are a thing!) Are you afraid that you'd be missing out on a part of life? But what if you're happy the way it is, is that not enough? Or do you think you can never be happy unless you get to experience lust and sex?

I can tell you that, personally, as a man, I've always entertained thoughts and fantasies about intimacy with men. It's more of a curiosity thing, thought experiment if you will, and I've found out that I do feel attracted to that idea. And yet I'm also attracted to women (much more, actually). I guess I'm about 80% heterosexual and 20% homosexual? I see no problem with that!

Anyway I guess my point is... I feel like attraction to one or the other gender is more a matter of conditioning (self-conditioning, or conditioning from culture...) than anything else. At least, that's how it worked for me. I literally conditioned myself to like men by repeatedly exploring that idea and associating positive thoughts with it. Maybe you conditioned yourself too, with the "help" of drugs? Or maybe you conditioned yourself through the whole nofap ordeal - closing off a part of yourself to resist temptation? The silver lining is, if that's how it worked for you, you can condition yourself the other way as well (and not necessarily by relapsing). But it seems to me that your anxiety about all of it is the first thing to fix. Definitely talk about it with your therapist, there's no shame at all in any of this.

Little Prince · Oct 16, 2020

Ancaria is overthinking this issue, it's just a side effect of porn addiction. Cut porn and sex fantasies and you'll no longer want this.

ss1111 · Oct 16, 2020

I always used to be attracted to the sex part of porn. Just two people getting it off used to turn me on, now that I’ve cut porn off that idea is much fading away. I have started getting attracted to females and feel like doing things w them and to them. Nofap does change your brain to a great extent. Stick to the process.

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This sh*t sucks

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