The Hunger of Love

So hi. I've never posted in this section as I never thought too much about dating. And I won't, again, from now on. Just wanted to express an important thing I just discovered before I left the love game.

So I met this guy last December. He was just perfect, the kind of guy I always wanted by my side. But there was a big problem: he didn't care about me as I cared about him. I swear to you I just noticed last week. You must say: what stupid, how it almost passed ONE YEAR and you didn't notice?? Well, the answer, dear fellows, is in PMO. I was "feeding" my love hunger with PMO, the kind of in which you imagine your hands are his/her hands. I have a nice ~35 days streak, in which that love I felt for him died. Of hunger, like a dog left on his own in the roof, as I didn't feed that love with PMO anymore. And he just didn't care. Messages watched and never answered, or dry mini answers. I know he was busy, I know his job is exhausting. I swear I didn't kill the love. Why not? Because I've done it before and, like a curse, he came back right after to resurrect my anorexic love. Just like: never again! and 15 minutes later he called or sent a message. So I decided not to kill it at once, of a blade strike, because it always came back again like a zombie. A slow death of hunger, sad and painful as shit, was needed. Now I'm sad, of course, I'm not a robot or a stone. But I don't want him by my side anymore. He can save his perfection to himself. I don't want it anymore. I'm still waiting, just to see if he ever comes back, just to see if I really don't want him anymore. Just like in the middle age death bodies were left in a table 3 days before burying it, just to see if it was really death. All I can say now is I know myself and I know I need a period of grief, perhaps a year. That was the time I needed the last time I left a love die of hunger. But that's up to myself. Being or not in the love game is my prob.

Here's what I wanted to tell you: Don't feed the love with PMO. It's not real, it's not nourishing, it's not healthy, it's not okay. One of the bigger blessings (and one of the hardest things to cope with) of rebooting is TO BE WITH THE FEET RIGHT IN THE GROUND. No lies, no simulations, no movies. Just the life in it's raw and beautiful magnificence. It will be hard, no doubt, but at least you will be living. And when dating, or meeting someone, you'll be able to notice in less than a month that that person gives zero fucks about you (no one year like me). Or maybe just likes you like a friend, and we all know friends can be left by months with no detrimental to the relationship. But we have to be honest with ourselves. Do you really want a friendship, with no future hope of something else, or are you aiming for a relationship? I cannot answer that question myself. I don't know if I want his friendship or not. I guess I'll learn with the time. But well, at least, I don't want to be his wife anymore. And that is a kind of freedom. The kind of freedom I want for you, my brothers. Because we're all on this path to be free.

Thanks for reading, blessings for all.

 

Perhaps, yeah I know all my female friends fap and they are able to see when someone is not into them, but in my case well, I couldn't see it, or at least I couldn't accept it, maybe it's because I'm so into the idea that sex is something you do with love, I just can't cope with the idea they are different and radically separated things, so the sexual pleasure is confused with feeling loved, even if I'm giving that pleasure to myself and not the other person. Thanks a lot but I'm remaining alone a good while, I'm not in the town not in the time in which I'd like to remain forever due to a marriage or a kid. I have a lot to live ahead. I just wanna be ok this way. Blessings and thanks for reading