The Roots of Addiction

recovery9 · Oct 21, 2020

I have not had what I would call a normal social life since I was a teenager. During my late teen years, I felt I was beginning to change. I had become irritable, less social, felt intense social anxiety at parties or gatherings, assumed that no one liked me and that they were saying negative things about me behind my back, depressed and more. When I was 16, I began to notice I was having issues with sexual function. I was an athlete, and after being insulted by my entire team by a "friend" for not having sex yet, I reluctantly agreed to go with him and another friend from school to see two girls from another school in town who were more than happy to oblige. Long story short, I was unable to get hard and the word got out. I think my intense social anxiety stems from this event, as well as my inability to trust people enough to become friends with them. In my more negative moods, if I am to be honest, I seem people as selfish, machiavellian creatures who would screw you over if it improved their own life one iota. And potential romantic parters, I would, in a more negative mood, view them as women who care about physical appearance, how much money you make, whether you will give them a child, a fancy wedding and expensive engagement ring so that they can broadcast it on their Instagram page and get off on any envy that it may cause. Part of me thinks that I am able to see the dark side of humanity in ways that perhaps most people are incapable because their brains aren't wired that way. It's amazing to me that people can be so trusting of others sometimes given how people can be. But I also feel maybe I am not seeing the full picture and even though I can see the dark side, I am unable to see the positive. That humanity is good and evil, dark and light. I want friends, a social life and a relationship despite my views, almost as if I wish my perception of humanity will change and not humanity itself.

I've recently discovered that many of the changes I was going through as a teen were likely mental health issues manifesting. I have OCD, ADHD, and anxiety and depression which stem from the first two. The type of OCD when you obsess over thoughts and ruminate for hours on the smallest slight is such a tragic and painful disorder. I've thankfully discovered that meditation can turn the volume down on that rumination to make it almost completely disappear.

My inability to perform sexually was partly pornography-induced, but only partly. I nearly went crazy wondering what was wrong with me and it almost drove me to suicide if I am going to be honest. I had a nerve entrapment in my spine, the nerve that controls sexual function and the entrapment caused damage, which causes numbness and pain. I am now unable to do any physical activity except walking, and usually I can only walk just the normal day-to-day kind of walking, not distance, without my symptoms being aggravated to an extreme. Even with all of this misfortunate, when I do successfully reboot and use medication, I can perform sexually even though my sensation is 10-15% of what it used to be.

I have used pornography for roughly 14 years as a means of escaping my medical situation as well as the torture that my mind has put me through. I know so many of the posts on this website sound dark and hopeless but the truth is that most of the time I feel okay and just want to move on. I'm trying to understand how my problem started so that I can tear it out from the roots.

JoeinUSA · Oct 21, 2020

recovery9 said: ↑

Part of me thinks that I am able to see the dark side of humanity in ways that perhaps most people are incapable because their brains aren't wired that way.
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What amazes me is that even with your profound "insight," you choose to stay stuck in the murk of this dark side of humanity - if not with it, definitely in reaction to it, the cause of your recoiling into yourself. Instead, you might consider rising above the dark side toward something more transcendent and meaningful than that lower level of existence. Pursue a better possibility for yourself. Trade the dark for the light. Might you have a clue of how or where you would do this? Go there.

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recovery9 · Oct 21, 2020

JoeinMD said: ↑

What amazes me is that even with your profound "insight," you choose to stay stuck in the murk of this dark side of humanity - if not with it, definitely in reaction to it, the cause of your recoiling into yourself. Instead, you might consider rising above the dark side toward something more transcendent and meaningful than that lower level of existence. Pursue a better possibility for yourself. Trade the dark for the light. Might you have a clue of how or where you would do this? Go there.

.
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It appears you assumed that by saying "most people are incapable because their brains aren't wired that way" that I meant it as some kind of compliment to myself, when in reality I meant that maybe my mental health issues makes me see the dark side of people that mentally health people would be too positive or happy to see.

You then say "you choose to stay stuck in the murk of this dark side of humanity", when I am here, trying to understand my issues and how I got to this place so that I will no longer be "stuck".

Very confusing response. The first half is sanctimonious, judgmental and preachy and then you finish it off with words of encouragement. Thanks, I guess.

SynapticMagic · Oct 21, 2020

Well, firstly I think we need to change one large belief, and that is that you are incurable. I don't know if you have that belief because nothing you said directly references it, but I thought it a common enough belief with a deep enough implication to assume you do just in case.

Firstly, accept the fact that you may never be fully cured. This attenuates the potential delusion of the second part. You already meditate, and that's great, so while you mediate, focus on accepting the possibility that you may never get better. Do not do this in a ruminating sort of way where you become hopeless. Actively breath out the tension and anxiety that arises when you think about this possibility. The counterintuitive nature of anxiety is that the more we resist, the more it persists. I suffered extreme HOCD that would leave me curled up in the fetal position at even the sight of an attractive man. It was through the acceptance of the possibility that I was gay, and would be okay, that the HOCD was cured. A similar goal is intended with this step. It took me about 3 months to fully recover from HOCD, though you may begin to see results in a week or two, or longer depending on the severity of your anxiety.

Secondly, and here is the potential for delusion, understand that assuming you can be cured opens the doors to being cured. If you assume you cannot be cured, then you will act in ways that reinforce this belief. If instead you assume you can be cured, you will act in ways that reinforce this belief. If you are curable, then you will be cured. If you are not curable, then you have put in the meditative work to accept that eventuality. That meditative work prevents you from being negatively motivated to believe in your curability, becoming more and more manic in your desperate need to be cured. Instead, you have a quiet calm about the possibility of incurability, and an outlook positive enough about curability that you're motivated to keep acting in ways that will cure you (assuming you are curable).

Now with that out of the way, understand that you are actually better than you think. Remember, for whatever reason your mind is negatively biased to a greater extent than the average person. That means that you are going to assume you are worse off than you actually are. That just follows logically. Use that as a motivator, when you feel really down, remind yourself that you are actually doing better than you think you are. This may not always work, but it has certainly brought me back from the brink of many panic attacks.

The main reason I say you are though, is that you are at the very least intellectually aware that there is a light and a dark side of humanity. You believe there must be despite the emotional limitations preventing you from experiencing them. What you need to do is to list out each of your dark-limited beliefs about the world, humanity, and yourself, and work through why they are irrational, and then go out and live those experiences to find reference experiences to confirm the new, better, and more accurate belief.

A good first step is meditating. It helps you quiet the anxiety enough to begin thinking rationally. Meditation was a huge step in my HOCD recovery. Another good step is keeping a gratitude journal and meditating on that gratitude for even a few moments. Writing down 3 items each day of what you are grateful for will train your psyche to begin focusing on the blessings you do have in your life. You're essentially reversing the negativity bias you have and training your brain to have a gratitude bias, one of many facets of positivity bias.

recovery9 · Oct 21, 2020

SynapticMagic said: ↑

Well, firstly I think we need to change one large belief, and that is that you are incurable. I don't know if you have that belief because nothing you said directly references it, but I thought it a common enough belief with a deep enough implication to assume you do just in case.

Firstly, accept the fact that you may never be fully cured. This attenuates the potential delusion of the second part. You already meditate, and that's great, so while you mediate, focus on accepting the possibility that you may never get better. Do not do this in a ruminating sort of way where you become hopeless. Actively breath out the tension and anxiety that arises when you think about this possibility. The counterintuitive nature of anxiety is that the more we resist, the more it persists. I suffered extreme HOCD that would leave me curled up in the fetal position at even the sight of an attractive man. It was through the acceptance of the possibility that I was gay, and would be okay, that the HOCD was cured. A similar goal is intended with this step. It took me about 3 months to fully recover from HOCD, though you may begin to see results in a week or two, or longer depending on the severity of your anxiety.

Secondly, and here is the potential for delusion, understand that assuming you can be cured opens the doors to being cured. If you assume you cannot be cured, then you will act in ways that reinforce this belief. If instead you assume you can be cured, you will act in ways that reinforce this belief. If you are curable, then you will be cured. If you are not curable, then you have put in the meditative work to accept that eventuality. That meditative work prevents you from being negatively motivated to believe in your curability, becoming more and more manic in your desperate need to be cured. Instead, you have a quiet calm about the possibility of incurability, and an outlook positive enough about curability that you're motivated to keep acting in ways that will cure you (assuming you are curable).

Now with that out of the way, understand that you are actually better than you think. Remember, for whatever reason your mind is negatively biased to a greater extent than the average person. That means that you are going to assume you are worse off than you actually are. That just follows logically. Use that as a motivator, when you feel really down, remind yourself that you are actually doing better than you think you are. This may not always work, but it has certainly brought me back from the brink of many panic attacks.

The many reason I say you are though, is that you are at the very least intellectually aware that there is a light and a dark side of humanity. You believe there must be despite the emotional limitations preventing you from experiencing them. What you need to do is to list out each of your dark-limited beliefs about the world, humanity, and yourself, and work through why they are irrational, and then go out and live those experiences to find reference experiences to confirm the new, better, and more accurate belief.

A good first step is meditating. It helps you quiet the anxiety enough to begin thinking rationally. Meditation was a huge step in my HOCD recovery. Another good step is keeping a gratitude journal and meditating on that gratitude for even a few moments. Writing down 3 items each day of what you are grateful for will train your psyche to begin focusing on the blessings you do have in your life. You're essentially reversing the negativity bias you have and training your brain to have a gratitude bias, one of many facets of positivity bias.
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Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. I've heard that practicing gratitude can be very beneficial. I likely will never recover from the nerve entrapment but if I can reboot successfully I should still be able to have sex and a normal relationship, I just have to get past my own mind first.

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The Roots of Addiction

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