Just realised that my partner may be a porn addict. Please help. -Possibly triggering text ! -

I would agree that he’s a porn addict.. my husband had zero interest in sex while active in his addiction. He’s been clean with a couple relapses the past year and a half. Now, he’s a different man. From someone who literally never touched me in bed, to someone who strokes me, hugs me, cuddles me even in his sleep. He asks for sex now on average 4-5 times a week. He’s 52. This is the guy who told me no two days into our honeymoon. I was a virgin so I was very confused at that time. Sex is far different now. Our life is far different now. Addicts, at their core, are incredibly selfish in most aspects of life. They live in their head too much and don’t see reality. It can get better, but only if you 1.leave and break up. 2. He admits it’s a problem and gets into real recovery. 3. You completely detach and live as friends knowing he will continue in his addiction. Take care of yourself. Focus on self care. Do things that help you heal and build you up.

 

Hello @IrmaVep70!

First of all, I am sorry to hear that you found yourself in such a situation! Finding out that your partner is facing an addiction can be shocking and disturbing. I am happy you reach out for further information and help. I think, from the way you describe it, it is quite obvious that your partner has a severe issues with pornography. The need to share and receive visual content through out the day is a warning sign of his loss of control over his behaviors.

Speaking from own experience, the path to realiziation of your own addiction and start to act on it is a long process. Most addicts are not aware of their issues until negative effects start to show. This could include issues like erectyle dysfunction but also problems and fights with their partners. As long as such suffering compontents do not show change won't happen in most cases. Addiction can be battled and control can be gained back but it always must include the mental will of the addict itself.

I wrote a summary about a book I read that helped me very much understand my own issues. Maybe you can gain some information out of it: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/summary-junkies-like-us-by-kurosch-yazdi.280446/

I think the only thing you can do is open up to him once again, tell him the severity of how his behavior affects you and the relationship. That you want porn out of this relationship, because you see how much it wears you both down! If he is able to reflect on his behavior just a little there will be a chance of change.

Nevertheless, I believe SOs should leave if the addiction is affecting their health and stability in life! In the end we are all responsible for ourselves - he to fight his addiction, you to be happy. It should never be the SOs responsibility to make someone overcome their addiction. Of course it is helpful and nice to be supported by someone but in the end only the addiction himself/herself can beat it. So if it is too hard on you, you can leave, we all deserve to be happy and live a fullfilled life with beautiful moments.

 

@IrmaVep70 what a heart-breaking post. There's a lot in there, but I'll pick out a few things.

In some ways the effort you were putting into meeting his wishes shows what a lovely woman you are, but it also shows how willing you were to loose bits of yourself in your efforts to please him. It will be hard to claw back your sense of self-respect and self-confidence but I hope you find the strength to do just that, with his help or without him. I know that sounds harsh. Sorry.

Yes, this is so telling.

Regardless of how many men use porn if you need him to stop then he will have to stop or lose you. That's his choice. His porn use has 'helped' him concentrate solely on his own inner world to the exclusion of all common empathy for you. You may need to spell his choice out very directly so that he knows the two paths in front of him and can make his choice.

It's that first sentence that got me: "all of this has had a terrible effect on my confidence." My wife and I are older than you (56 and 55) but your words took me straight back to 2010, when we were both 45. I'd been using porn surreptitiously for most of my adult life, and she'd mostly turned a blind eye to it (our attempt to integrate porn into our sex life was bad, I hated it). We were out walking the dog and she told me that my porn use was destroying her self-esteem and that she needed me to stop or, to protect herself, she would have to leave. It is difficult to put down in words how upsetting this exchange was. We had been together since I was 17 and yet I could tell from her demeanour that she was really frightened. She was frightened that I was going to choose porn and let her go. That's the extent that my porn use had decimated her self-confidence. Of course, I choose her, but it took me six years of trying and failing to quit porn before I finally found this site and started the streak I am on now (Day 1,377 without porn).

I think you need to find the strength and the self-compassion to put your own needs first. No, it’s gone further than that, you need to put your own self first as I think you are in danger of losing your sense of self. My advice, and feel free to take it or leave it, is to tell him that you cannot cope with his porn use and that he needs to stop and that if he cannot then you will need to leave for your own preservation.

He may already have realised, deep down, that he has a problem. He may know how much he loves you, he may not. Being tested is never fun and it is hard to predict whether he will play the victim, get defensive, get aggressive, or step up to his responsibility to become the man you deserve. It could be a very difficult conversation, but it is an important one that will define your future happiness.

Good luck. I can tell from what you have written and how you have written it that you are an amazing woman. You deserve a partner who brings out the best in you, and who lets you bring out the best in him.

 

Sending you a hug. Please take time to love yourself ; long distance can mask so much.

Your heart is beautiful ; please treasure it. Thank you for being so brave to share your story here !

 

Your post is deeply touching. From what you wrote you are a wonderful woman and you should not spend your time and energy on such a selfish man. Men who are addicted to PMO must accept this is not normal behavior and devote themselves to dealing with their addiction. With that work to stay clean and sober in place, treating their partner with respect is utmost important in the context of physical intimacy. This means not using their partner as a replacement for porn, in other words no recreation of the porn video environment in any manner whatsoever. This means having fully consensual communicative emotionally connected sexual activity in an environment that is not "produced" to mimic pornography. This doesn't mean boring or unadventurous. It means honest. With each other and oneself. Best of luck to you.

 

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Your partner’s porn use is definitely abnormal and I would go as far to say his drinking sounds problematic too. I’m glad you found this forum and you made the right decision raising your concerns here. You need to trust yourself and know that any decision you make is the right one.

I am confident that my wife would advise you to leave. My wife has said herself that, if we weren’t married, she would have already left. I am strong in my recovery but it has been far from easy and I have damaged my wife irreparably in the process. My wife is only with me now because she loves me and she knows how hard I’m trying. We are both trying to find a way forward but only yesterday she told me that she can’t see how she can, and that she doesn’t really believe any SO could. I have been in recovery for almost a year now and my wife and I are both in therapy. This is a serious issue and you need to put yourself and your own health first.