30 years old - starting out at day zero

Hi All,

Over the past few months I've been on this site, browsing the forum a handful of times but never actually signed up or have contributed anything. Forgive me in advance if any of the terminology I use isn't right.

A little bit about me - I'm a 30 year old guy, live in the UK with my partner (she doesn't anything about this). I've got a normal professional job, basically to anyone on the outside I'm just a 'normal guy'. But beneath the veneer, I feel like I've got this secret second personality that's addicted to P. For a while now I've come to the realisation that what I've been telling myself is casual use of P and subsequent PMO is actually not that casual at all, and is probably closer to an addiction.

Like a lot of people I'm currently working from home, and those long hours in the house alone always inevitably lead to one thing... curtains drawn, tac over the webcam etc. then the feeling of guilt/shame afterwards. But in recent times it's also become a bit of an issue between my partner & I. With me PMO-ing during the day when she's out working, I'm not as affectionate in the evenings with her. We've obviously had words about this but I told her it's down to stress at work, which of course it's not.

I've tried to abstain from with P and PMO before, I think the longest I managed was probably 10 days before relapsing. That said, this time I feel like I'm properly up for the fight and I've had the epiphany moment. I've decided to take the step to sign up and post on this forum, and whilst there is a degree of anonymity to internet forums, I feel that by just doing this is making a commitment to myself.

My aim is to keep this forum updated on a daily basis, almost like a diary. Firstly for me to keep myself on track, but also hopefully as a reference for anyone who's going through a similar situation. I'll be as honest as I can be. I'm not going to lie, by my very nature I'm pretty cynical, so when I read about guys that have abstained for a few weeks and their hugely successful experiences on the back of it I do take it with a pinch of salt. Although I hope nobody reading this takes that as a negative slur on any other poster in the forum, it's just the way I think. But like I said I'll give a completely honest account of how I'm feeling, what the pro's and con's have been and hopefully one day, this post will be moved into the success stories section!

Wish me luck... Charlie

 

Day 1:
In all honesty Day 1 wasn't too bad. Did all the usual things when starting a re-boot e.g. drawing up a workout plan and starting exercise. Managed to have a busy day at work so that meant I didn't have too much time to be bored, I've realised that boredom is my real enemy. When I've got time on my hands that's when I'll end up keeping my hands busy lol...

Like everyone else I'm aiming for the holy grail of 90 days nofap, but I've told myself I'm going to have to break it down into smaller manageable milestones. The first aim is to get through 1 complete week - I've already set up a countdown timer on my phone.

Will check in again tomorrow, but so far so good, no urges and my mind is still 100% committed to the cause.

Charlie

 

Thanks for the feedback/advice Glorious - Started watching a new series on Netflix with the gf - didn't realise just how much nudity is in it. Managed to resist any urges to date!

Day 2:
As above watching a new series that features quite a lot of nudity proved to be a bit of a distraction yesterday, however fortunately as soon as the episode had finished I was straight out the house to go and play football which took my mind off anything fap related.

The rest of the day was ok, did a bit of exercise in the day when I felt my mind start to wander. Trying to keep myself disciplined by doing anything productive to fill the quieter parts of the day.

Have noticed I'm becoming slightly more irritable and restless, will just have to keep an eye on that.

Charlie

 

Day 3:
Got to say I think everyone is right when they say that exercise is a great outlet when you're adjusting to the new nofap life. Managing to keep myself busy enough with working out at home, as a break from work in the day, and playing football again tonight.

Think the irritability I was feeling yesterday was more down to the fact I had a crap night's sleep. Normally by 3 days in the brain-fog has started to take over but fortunately that's not started yet. Still feeling ok. Got to say my brain still seems to be working against me, it keeps trying to wander off and start fantasising about all sorts, and trying to lure me back to P. Hopefully after a couple more days that will subside... It's good keeping this diary going though, when I start to feel my mind wandering I distract myself with what I'll be writing here the next day to re-focus on my goals.

Charlie

 

Day 4:
Friday, start of the weekend... almost. Again not too bad a day. Brain is still trying to lure me to P, but I think the voices are getting a bit quieter now. Actually managed to spend some 'quality time' with the gf as well. We've had discussions in the past where I've complained that her libido isn't the same as mine and that's why we rarely had sex. However, now I'm starting to really see that it's been down to me and the fact that I've been so secretively preoccupied with P and PMO that I've not even been trying with her. Will wait and see what the weekend has in store, but life in lockdown is becoming tedious, got to keep my mind busy to stave off the boredom which is the main trigger to fap.

Charlie

 

Days 5 & 6:
It may sound boring - but again nothing really remarkable to comment on. The urge to actually watch P is slowly fading away as I fill my time with other things. This is the first weekend where I've been on my own at home for a few hours and haven't slipped into the old PMO ways. The brain chatter is quietening down now and I'm finding myself being able to concentrate more on other things.

Have done a bit of exercise and also played video games online with mates to keep me distracted. I've found the easiest way to not be drawn to PMO is to spend time with others as much as possible, albeit largely virtually at the moment (due to lockdown restrictions). For me this has a double positive effect, firstly I'm not thinking about PMO whilst I'm interacting with friends/family and secondly it's just good to stay connected with people, it makes you feel better in itself. In the past I may have used a lockdown type scenario as an excuse to become a recluse and PMO as much as I wanted to. But now, by actively finding anything to do except PMO I'm feeling much better in myself.

I'm sure there are some struggles to come, but I'm going to keep riding this wave of positivity as long as it lasts.

Hope everyone had a good weekend.

Charlie

 

Bit of a delay - sorry about that

Days 7 & 8:
I'm not going to lie - Day 7 was a struggle. It sounds daft, but I had a pretty vivid sexual dream and that made me struggle to not revert back to PMO. I felt like I needed to all day. Fortunately my gf is currently working from home this week so by coincidence I never had any time alone to act on my urges. By the time the evening came around I did a workout and that help me to relax and eventually my mind calmed down.

Day 8 was the complete opposite. I had a great sleep and felt like I had more energy and was more motivated than I have been in months. Awake early, getting work done, no brain fog, working out harder than before. Honestly the change from the day before was remarkable. It felt like I might be starting to escape the clutches of the PMO lifestyle. Hopefully this feeling will continue for some time. I've set myself another 'countdown' goal on my phone after successfully getting through the first week. Now I just need to get to Friday before I have a week off work.

As a side note I had started to notice that my PMO & M in recent months had started to get a bit out of control - basically tied in with when I started working from home 9which as led me here). At the same time I was getting up in the night and having to pee at least once, maybe more most nights. I'd sort of self diagnosed that I must have been putting my prostate through a bit of a rough time with all the M&O and this was subsequently meaning I was up in the night peeing more. I'm not sure if it is just placebo, down to nofap, or some other reason, but I've not been up in the night for a pee for at least the last 3 nights, which in turn means I've been getting better sleep and I'm sure is partly the reason why I'm feeling better as well. Not sure if this is something else that others have noticed? I know people from Medical backgrounds often say fapping is good for the prostate, however I was definitely doing it too much.

Charlie

 

Hi Stephen & Motivator - thanks for letting me know. Makes it that bit easier knowing that you're not going through it alone.

Day 9:
My mood seems to be a bit all over the place at the moment. I've definitely got more energy at the moment but it feels like I have to do some physical exercise every single day at the moment or the urges to PMO build up to a level inside me that can become a bit overwhelming. I ended up working out in the morning and the afternoon just to keep me on a level mentally so I could concentrate with work. I still really struggle to shake the urge to watch P, but my brain is also starting to fantasise about all sorts to keep me fixated on sex etc.. Not sure at what point it all gets easier, I'm already starting to think about relapsing... just glad the gf is working from home or else I would have definitely given up by now! Hopefully it was just a tricky day and tomorrow will be better.

Charlie

 

Days 10, 11 & 12:
I have a massive amount of respect for guys doing this who are either single, or doing it hard mode.

I have still not watched P or MO myself, however I have been able to keep myself sane by not abstaining from sex. I think if I had done, the urges would have definitely been too much. From my (limited) experience so far it's not so much the P that's addictive - it's the actual O and rush of dopamine afterwards. From days 7 - 10 I had felt like a pressure cooker building up more and more, the voices trying to draw me to P were getting louder each day trying to get some release. Fortunately after getting some 'relief' on the evening of Day 10 I noticed a couple of things. Firstly, the actual sex itself was more enjoyable; and secondly it was like somebody had lifted the lid on the pressure cooker, taking down to zero, and I immediately felt more relaxed, could think straight etc. I'm writing this on the morning of day 13 and I'm still in a great mindset, not tempted to look at P at all.

I've started to notice a bit of a change in myself as well, both mentally - being more productive, proactive etc. and physically. I've also noticed that things I use to do, I do less of - one thing that always wound my gf up was that whenever we were sat on the sofa watching TV I'd always sub-consciously end up with my hands down my pants (not playing, just sort of... there) haha - I'd tell her that all guys do it. Got to say since I've started doing this nofap I don't do that anymore!

I've got a full week off work this week and the gf is back in the office so I'm home alone in the daytime. I know how this would have normally ended up in the past, but the fact that I've got out of bed early and already started doing some chores instead of staying in bed PMO-ing shows the progress I've made in a short space of time. Got a few things planned to keep myself busy this week, but honestly at the moment P is the last thing on my mind, hopefully it stays like that.

Charlie