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I am really not sure I can do this

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by mythdunk, Oct 27, 2020.

  1. mythdunk

    mythdunk Fapstronaut

    Dear All,
    I very rarely start a thread as I tend to prefer reading the successes and struggles of others and making the odd contribution to their ongoing threads and journals. I thought I would on this rare occasion reach out to the NoFap community because after two and a half weeks of waking up every morning determined to begin a new and meaningful abstinence from porn, it's just not happening for me.
    I have been addicted to PMO for over 30 years, had a very short period of abuse in my childhood which may or may not be affecting how I use porn as a crutch. I'mm married to the love of my life and feel so lucky to have her but due to quite difficult health issues with her, it's not really an option to have a ongoing sexual relationship.
    I do want to give up porn for the sake of my wife, although she isn't really aware of the time I spend looking at porn or how much of my life has been devoted to jerking off at a blinking screen full of pixelated images!
    I knew that it would be a huge challenge this year to abstain from PMO after my brain had been hard-wired to it for decades but I have still managed some runs into the 20s and 30s which when I first committed to this I would have said was an impossibility. So yes, I am proud of that but I just cannot get started to really seriously attack this issue and push up to 50+ days without porn usage. I genuinely think I am internally struggling to believe in myself that this is achievable. I have read a number of books, articles, etc and am aware of the chemical reactions going on when I have an urge and yet despite understanding the science behind these urges, when I get one I act out on it and only consider what was actually happening in my brain afterwards.
    I now worry I am in this catch 22 situation where every time I let myself down it becomes more inevitable that I am conditioning myself to do it again and again as I feel so shitty about my lack of will power.
    I'm not really sure what I am expecting or wanting by writing this thread but I have read that sometimes it helps to put your thoughts into written words and so that is what I am trying. I'm running out of ideas as to how to overcome this. Maybe after 30+ years I am attempting something that is just not possible which would be very sad as I so want to become a better person and human being.
     
    Jefe Rojo and tonyk1982 like this.
  2. slb_123

    slb_123 Fapstronaut

    Felt exactly the same up until very recently ... Personally, my conclusion is that I gotta learn to deal with stress, bad situations etc. in a fundamentally different way. I realized PMO was just one of the symptoms of my way to deal with issues. I dont really have any solution, just wanted to let you know that your not alone in feeling "I will never manage to stay away from PMO" :)
     
    Jefe Rojo and tonyk1982 like this.
  3. mythdunk

    mythdunk Fapstronaut

    Thank you @slb_123 yes I have just had a read through your journal and although our circumstances are not identical actually some of the issues you describe with using PMO almost as a stress relief from the pressures of the day are applicable to me too. As you also say, its one thing to have the knowledge of what is going on but it is another thing entirely to apply that knowledge at all times. I will keep plugging on but at the moment I would be ecstatic just to get to a week to be honest.
     
    slb_123 likes this.
  4. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    @mythdunk hello friend - I'm sorry that you are in such despair right now about quitting PMO. As you said, you had some runs into the 20s and 30s and that is a great achievement and proof you can do it. You have a lot of thinking going on about quitting and maintaining a streak and you've created a catch 22 and on and on. Stop thinking. Thinking about the past and thinking about the future prevents you from living today.

    Why think about getting to a week? You have proven you can stay clean for a day. That present day is the only day that counts. The present moment is the only moment that counts. Training The Mind to be only in the present is difficult - it is at the core of what is now popularly known as "Mindfulness". It is all based on buddhist meditation and breathing techniques to focus on right now. See Thich Nhat Hanh on youtube. Complete today PMO free and then leave it behind. Then focus on the present day and stay clean. Stop counting the days. You can do this.
     
    Jefe Rojo and mythdunk like this.
  5. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    MD - I read this everyday. sometimes twice a day. it's from another member.

    Negative effects of PM on my life


    GUILT. Every time a PM “session” ended, an almost unconscious guilt invaded me, which I only surpassed by convincing myself that M was something normal in animal and human biology. But deep down inside I realized that it was something that dominated me, a vice.

    LIE. It was necessary to hide my private sessions from everyone else… a gigantic effort to hide everything. And a horrible feeling, because I had something in my life that I could tell no one for being very embarrassing.

    DEMOTIVATION. After each session and for a while, I did not want to do anything. I didn't have enough drive to get the job done or the initiative to start new projects. My inner strength was devastated.

    LOW ESTEEM. It occurs naturally when you cannot exceed PM even by proposing it. You fool yourself by saying that it is not a problem, but unconsciously you know that it is. And then, when you realize that you can't, your self-esteem weakens. This ends in insecurity, lack of confidence in your own abilities, social isolation ...

    RESENTMENT. I thought I was turning to PM because my sexual activity with my wife was insufficient and unsatisfactory. Without realizing it, I blamed her for not having more frequency in our intimate encounters, or for not being as "creative and spectacular" as those I saw in P. I was filled with anger and resentment with her, and many times I was sparing and tried to avoid her so as not to have to reveal the cause of my anger ... at most it said that I was tired.

    DECONCENTRATION. In the moments when I was alone, my desire for PM was so intense that I couldn't think of anything else. My heart was racing, my breathing changed, my mind became dull ... just like an addict. Furthermore, when I knew that I was going to be alone, the same thing happened to me. My PM sessions could last for hours ... And after the PM session, I was so exhausted and my mind so overstimulated that I didn't have much strength left ... I had to try twice as hard to get half of it.
    (I have to be careful because writing this, I feel again part of that desire for PM, that internal excitement)

    DISSATISFACTION. Nothing could compete with PM, the emotion was so strong, the super stimulation of both P and M was so much that nothing else could reach the level of pleasure that I felt. So when I wasn't doing it, everything else just wasn't satisfying. I enjoyed intimate couple relationships, but they were shorter and with less stimulation. The other satisfactions of life (duty accomplished, family affection, helping others) were there, but not the intensity of PM. Therefore, most of the time I was dissatisfied.
    Click to expand...
    I find this very helpful and plan to read it daily to affirm my commitment to staying
     
    mythdunk likes this.
  6. Paul Newman

    Paul Newman Fapstronaut

    20
    19
    3
    I am coming from a similar place and thought I couldn’t do it but with support I have been able to take the first steps.

    have you opened up to anyone about your struggles? Someone you trust perhaps.
     
  7. mythdunk

    mythdunk Fapstronaut

    Thank you @tonyk1982
    I’ve never given mindfulness or meditation a go but have been quite curious about it. Funnily enough my work health insurance recently started up some free meditation podcasts so perhaps I should try to take your advice and concentrate on the moment more.
     
  8. mythdunk

    mythdunk Fapstronaut

    I really think this describes where I am at. I have particularly noticed that although I enjoy seeing my grandchild or I enjoyed a summer long weekend away in the countryside, I constantly feel it is a dull enjoyment and not as vibrant as the porn. Or I should say the build up of O through the use of porn which instantly dissipates the second it’s over and just leaves guilt and self loathing.
     
  9. mythdunk

    mythdunk Fapstronaut

    @Paul Newman I’m not sure I have either that type of relationship with my friends or to be entirely honest the personality to talk about this face to face. That said, I know I am still here on the NoFap forums as I do get a sense of support and although we are all strangers we are also all attempting to achieve similar goals even if for a variety of different reasons. I’m feeling a little stronger through the wise words offered to me today that I can get through the first day and find my forward motion to continue this journey.
     
  10. Ridhor

    Ridhor Fapstronaut

    https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/6-years-clean-rebooting-as-the-best-remedy.135983/page-1

    I personally feel the above thread will really help out
     
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  11. tonyk1982

    tonyk1982 Fapstronaut

    I tried talking to one friend that I thought would be receptive and he basically ignored what I said about what I was going through. So I find my support here, mostly on forums, but occasionally with some members on DM. I've received tremendous support here, probably more so than I could get from a friend, because as you say, we all have similar goals here and many of us very similar histories and abuse patterns. So we all understand. Stay strong for the rest of today.
     
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  12. mythdunk

    mythdunk Fapstronaut

    Ridhor likes this.
  13. Ridhor

    Ridhor Fapstronaut

    I'd su
    I'd suggest you read at most a single season in a day, so that you can internalize the messages.
     
  14. mouton1998

    mouton1998 Fapstronaut

    Hey @mythdunk ,
    have you ever consider asking for a professional help, like a therapist or a sexuologist? IMO it can help you by improving your willpower (which seems the main problem of your post); obviously you're not forced to, but you might give it a try.
    P.S. : don't worry about how many days you pass from the last time you PMOed, because those aren't good indicators of the "reboot" progress; when you perceive you can control your porn usage and your masturbation it means you're doing a good job!
     
  15. mythdunk

    mythdunk Fapstronaut

    Hi @mouton1998 i was very cynical about therapy and professional help for many years until I recently had some therapy in relation to some negative experiences from childhood. The therapy was a great success and I actually feel although that therapy was not directly related to my porn use, it has indirectly given me the strength to tackle my porn use problems head on.
     
    mouton1998 likes this.
  16. mythdunk

    mythdunk Fapstronaut

    I have another day 1 against my counter. Let’s see if I can double it by tomorrow. I have used the day constructively with more reading of re-booting articles and research. There is so much information out there now, which is great, but I do think I need to slow down to make sure I am properly taking all of the information in and processing it. I am relating to so much I have already read in a day and a half. The desensitisation as described is exactly what I have suspected has been going on with me for many years. I always knew I was not generating as much excitement and joy as I should have when it came to family get togethers or being able to sit through and concentrate on a good book or movie. I also relate to all the descriptions of brain fog, apathy, lethargy, social anxiety. Am I beginning to see some light that actually it may not be that I am a freak or at least if I am a freak, my high porn usage may be partly or wholly responsible. I was really inspired by one quote from an article today from an ex porn user who had gradually re-wired his brain to the point that he was noticing getting up in the morning, going for a walk, and feeling a genuine joy of looking at the trees and the blue sky. I want to feel these joys again too.
     
  17. mythdunk

    mythdunk Fapstronaut

    So 2 days in which is sadly my longest streak in about 3 weeks. I continue to read up and attempting to absorb all the research out there as to why I'm finding it so difficult. Today, NoFap has saved me. I'm pretty sure that today I logged onto the computer to fap to porn and not to look at an excel spreadsheet of my finances (although that was the excuse I used to myself). The urge was really strong but I took myself here instead just to write a few lines and I already am feeling that itch disappear. But jeeze, it was so strong. I'm a bit scared about how strong the urge was but one day at a time. After posting this I am off the computer for the remainder of the day.
     
    Jefe Rojo likes this.
  18. I literally wrote the same thing in my journal a few days ago. Repeated failures have eaten away at my confidence and belief in myself. I may never be able to go the rest of my life with relapsing, but today I can make the decisions that will help me get to tomorrow without giving it. Each moment we make decisions, we decide how to use our time and we decide what thoughts to entertain.

    What frightens you most about giving up PMO? I know that my fear was giving up my comfort blanket and having to deal with life without running and hiding. I almost felt like a fish out of water. I felt alone and anxious. I overcame P over 11 years ago. MO is the demon that still haunts me. I’m making slow progress. Sometimes I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels. Oh well, today was a good day at least!
     

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