Trans porn addiction - had an epithany today

This may turn into a long post, but for anyone struggling with porn addiction - particularly Trans-porn addiction - It might be worth your time to give it a read.

A Brief overview of my situation
I'm 33, and like so many of you, I developed an obsession with sex at a very young age - I grew up in the 90's, before the internet was really a thing, when kids still played outdoors, and old porn magazines could be found all over the place!

At around 20 years old I moved out and got home-internet for the first time - highspeed porn blew my mind and I've struggled with internet porn addiction ever since. It became my medication for stress and anxiety (little did I know it was also a contributing factor for both). As I bcame desensitized to 'standard' porn I moved onto more hardcore stuff and eventually got into trans-porn. At first i viewed it as a 'kink' but after many years of being way more turned on by trans porn than 'regular' porn I began to wonder if perhaps I had just found my true sexual preference - feminine women with penises.

While I may not be 100% straight (I don't think any sexually open person really is), I can say for certain that I'm not gay or even bi. I don't find masculinity attractive at all, have never fantasized about men, and could not imagine myself being intimate with a man. I LOVE women. I love their bodies, their femininity, the way the smell/dress/move. So why the obsession with trans-porn?

Despite mostly mild, but sometimes severe social anxiety, I've never struggled to get girlfriends, and I've been in long term relationships most of my life, hiding this secret 'fetish'. A few years back during a rare period of being single, I came across an openly trans and very passable girl on an internet dating site. I decided to indulge my fantasy/curiosity or whatever you want to call it, and sent her a message. We chatted for a week and decided to meet up for a drink - at that point I bailed.

I bailed because I didn't think it was fair to use her as a test-dummy while I tried to figure out if I was comfortorble enough to actually date a trans-person. The thought of introdcucing her to my family scared me, so I just continued dating biological females. The trans-porn addiction reamains to this day.

The Epiphany
I'm now in another longterm relationship and will soon be moving in with my girlfriend. After having a bit of a porn relapse recently I began visiting old thoughts about whether or not my true preference is for trans women, or if it's just a sexual fanatasy born of porn addiction.

While surfing the web looking for answers from people in a similar situation, on one particular post, I saw a response written by a trans woman. She spoke about the struggles they go through in dating, trying to distinguish men who are genuinely into them from people who want the sex but would never treat them as a 'proper girlfriend'.

This got me thinking - would ever I treat a trans woman as 'proper girlfriend'. As someone who tries my best to be open minded and accepting of everyone, my initial thought was yes, but I dove deeper into the question and got honest with myself. Would I be 100% comfortable in any social situation with a trans girlfirend, at a friend's wedding? At christmas dinner with the family? Would I be comfortable going to the super market with a trans-girlfriend if she wasn't looking too passable that day?

The answer, was no.

The strange thing here is that if, for example, I were just gay or Bi, I'm confident that I would be comfortable with being gay or bi and that I'd tell my family, friends and co-workers without any hang-ups - f*** what they thought - so what's different about a trans girlfriend?

The answer, is that trans women are NOT my true preference. I'm straight. I adore women, always have, always will. When I watch trans-porn, the actors have to be super feminine, and when I hear a slightly masculine voice, or see a slightly masculine shape to the hips or jawline, it's a turn-off for me. That's why I'll never be comfortable with it - it isn't who I am - I am just a straight man who is kind of F****-up sexually as a result of porn addiction. I do love vagina's and having sex with women, but when I'm on a porn site and see a cute woman with a penis my sex drive goes into overdrive. It might be something I have to live with forever, and can't say for sure what causes it. There was a really interesting TED talk about the male obsession with trans-porn but I don't think that explains it for me.

I think my initial thoughts on the subject were correct all those years ago - it is just a 'kink'. It's something that turns me on, but without porn I would proably never have developed the fetish. However, it's here now and I have to live with it.

I'm considereing discussing it with my girlfriend, because I want to be 100% open with her about everything. I don't want her to one day see a webpage that I forgot to close down and be horrified, thinking I'm living a lie with her - I'm really not. I love her and have a great sex-life with her. But when those dopamine cravings kick-in I reach for the trans-porn.

In the mean time, I'm just going to keep fighting on to quit porn for good, and hopefully one day I'll be able to stop fetishisng trans women.

P.S I hope this post doesn't offend any trans people reading it. I know there are people out there whose true sexual preference is for trans-women, and everyone deserves to be in a loving and respectful relationship if that's what they desire. For me, however, I have to be honest with myself and admit that if I did date a trans woman, it would be a relationship built around my sexual desires and not my emotional ones - and that isn't fair for anybody.

 

Thanks man. It's always good to know we aren't struggling alone! Try not to be too hard on yourself - I get that you feel ashamed for acting out but don't let that define you. Think of it this way - you tried something, you didn't like it, now you use that as motivation to become the person you want to be and get rid of these harmful habits. You learned a lesson. You learned that your porn tastes really are just part of an addiction and not a part of you true self. Let it go now man ... Yesterday is dead and tomorrow hasn't happened - the only you that exists is the you that you decide to be right now. Stay strong pal. Be kind to yourself. We'll beat this.