35 and Older Accountability Group

I kept waking up last night. Frustrated. I made it this far and will continue, though i allow my mind to fantasize more than i should, maybe not at all would be best. I can smell androgens in my urine. A strong metallic afterscent when i use the restroom. I must be releasing pheromones. I like to imagine i'm at the top of level of being fit as a mate. Could this be? Approaching Alpha status. Gym tonight.

 

Checking in here. I'm not doing great, I've been peeking at some videos on Youtube with nudity in it over the last 2 weeks, like old movies or modern dance things - it's ridiculous how I get in this search for sexiness wherever I can. Since I haven't been M'ing to it I'm not yet counting it as a relapse, but I was really near one.

Since the weekend I feel the urge to watch that kind of stuff going away, though, and what has really helped was this meditation that someone in this thread recommended, but I don't know who it was anymore... So, if you see this, thanks a lot, it really helps! I had been training this type of thinking by myself before, but it was slipping away again, so this video was a great reminder and I'm trying to do this one every other day now.

 

This is the slope that keeps me falling down. It’s like I get 3 days clean and I start feverishly thinking through whatever digital loophole I can find to satisfy the urge without technically being porn. But it does the same stupid thing and leads to porn every time anyway. Good to see it’s subsiding some for you, I keep hoping for that. I know it keeps the addiction in control. Thanks for sharing the meditation, will be taking it for a spin.

 

Yes, the cycle that you describe has been my life for, say, the past 5 years, only that the streaks kept becoming longer. Now I find that I am getting better able to eventually say 'no' before an actual relapse happens. Still, I try to not get complacent about it, because I know that if I keep the search for P-subs up for long enough, I can easily devolve into an actual relapse still.

But the sort of thinking that that meditation is about really, really helps. I find that now before I take a peek, there's much more voices in my head asking if I should really do it than before, and even when I do take a peek, I really don't enjoy it anymore because I'm immediately fully aware what kind of path I'm on and the frustration and shame it's going to lead to.

 

tuesday check in

 

I hear you man. I've been in a pretty sorry state lately. I need to figure it out.

 

Thanks for posting this video. I liked the thought experiments he puts you through.

 

Still on the path. Urges are constant. Sleep is interrupted.

I woke up with a strained neck from sleeping on my side. My bed (cot canvas on frame no matress) is worn to the beams. I was trying to see how long i could go without getting a new one but i ordered one this morning.

I have to care more for myself as i am trying to get fit. I took a rest from the gym and will continue with cardio for the next week or more until my neck is better.

This week is crucial. I am volatile. I've relapsed here in the past but not today. I 'know' in my mind i can get through 90. These past 2 days i was so close to giving in that my daycount and thoughts of a second failure at this point in my recovery kept me sane.

I will re-evaluate myself after the new year. Goal is to stay off M and DEFINITELY no P.

I need to get to January. Not sure what will happen then but let's do today first!

 

I'm with you brother it's tough! Keep going

 

Checking in...making it through another day and no urges currently. Strength to all the brothers!!

 

Day 44 - the longest I've been without PMO probably in my entire adult life. There are days now when it is fairly easy - the mental images and physical urges don't appear. On those days, even the triggers are becoming less intense. BUT some days are damn hard, and I have to really stay focused on my goal. And remind myself of how f'ed up my life was before nofap. Since I started four months ago, I have about 105 days of no PMO. Given that I was 2x daily plus binges this is real improvement. We can all do this - make improvement. Stay strong brothers.

 

I hope I am excepted into this group

 

20th - 21st - 22nd of October kept relapsing
I am so weak infront of temptations, i need to take a real sincere decision from inside of me to be completely free of this addiction.

New streak started on the 23rd of October
Today i'm Day 6 ✅

 

just came here instead of youknowwhere so feeling good on that decision...

 

Another day of no P...no urges currently. Onwards and upwards

 

I’m establishing another streak again. I feels good to be in the driver seat again. P takes us for the ride way to often.

 

Wow. I am doing way too much. As usual. If i'm not abusing my body one way i'm abusing it some other way. Now it's caffeine. Coffee and energy drinks. It's not the substance. It's the addict. I am focusing now on my caffeine abuse, and it is abuse. Tonight was scary. I consumed over 1000mg throughout the day. Nausea and panic. I don't want to push myself any more. I want peace within myself. Caffeine is another addiction of mine. It needs to go. I'm dealing with the crash as i type this. And its relevant since it has silenced all of my urges, which lately are in overdrive. Feeling detached. Yuk.