How to reconnect to partner?

I find I am most in the mood when my husband and I have connected - when he has shared his emotions and been open. Even a day where the discussion may have been heated but we both were honest and open completely, I find I just want to connect with him physically.

 

One idea - try reducing or removing expectations.

Physical intimacy can come at many levels. While I'd love to have sex with my wife more often (not a dead bedroom or close to it), I'm working on being satisfied with snuggling to watch a movie instead of sitting on opposite sides of the L shaped couch. or holding hands while we talk a walk. Or a real kiss before leaving for work. Or a playful ass slap in the kitchen or giving her a massage or something like that.

All of those are forms of physical intimacy, and I've found taking expectations down a notch helps prime the pump for sexual connection later.

Reconnecting comes in many forms and stages - intercourse is the tip of the triangle - focus on the building blocks first like you most likely did when you first dated.

 

My husband wrongly assumed that being a good husband meant not burdening me with his troubles, not adding to my load. This was foolish and was his undoing. By doing that he robbed me of my agency to take care of him, be his comfort, to lighten his load and to connect and see him deeper than anyone else. And by doing that he damned himself to suffer and turn to something that may someday turn out to end our marriage (we'll have to see if I can heal from this betrayal). There should not be secrets in a marriage. Secrets fuel shame and guilt, they divide and prevent real intimacy. In my relationship I struggle to connect in any physical way, even small things like holding hands or sitting together, if we are not connecting emotionally. So my husband basically drove a giant wedge between us. He didn't connect emotionally so I could not connect physically and it just got worse and worse but only he knew the full scope of what was going on. You might want to take a look at reading the books Love You, Hate the Porn and Worthy of Her Trust, both have helped open my husband's eyes to how his inability to connect to me *fully* created all these problems for us. It did not matter how "perfect" of a husband he was being with chores and what not, that's not what makes our bond. I can't speak for your wife, but for me and my husband I long to know everything about him, the depths of everything he is. I am so sad at how much he felt he had to keep from me. He is now coming to me when he is upset and stressed and is amazed that me listening, giving him a hug or rubbing his arm while he tells me things calms him down so much. It allows me to feel valued and to care for him. I don't see him as weak - I see him as a man with depth and heart. It is so frustrating to think about where we could have been now had he not halted how things were in the beginning of our dating.

 

Find out what her love language is if you don't already know. Do the things she will be super happy about. For me, I like words of affirmation and acts of service. I love doing projects around the house together as it really bonds us and I feel connected and loved. And I appreciate him helping with dishes and laundry, it takes stress off of me and lets us spend more time together. It will take time for her to gain back trust, but by showing her that you value her and appreciate her it will help tons!

 

@looklike4 It seems that you are quite aware of connecting already in terms of the philosophy of it (for the lack of a better phrase). I think what needs to change is the act of being intimate at the very instance. Allow yourself the moments of connection that will come. Turn off your brain and be in that moment. Focus on the touch, the and breath. Trust that your deeper self will come about (along with the understanding that you have gained from the forums here).

 

@looklike4 Your thoughts are tied to your addiction, which is fantasy. Minimize the thoughts and minimize the addiction (I know, easier said then done). What remains when thought is absent? The intelligence of rest of your senses, all your energy brought to the present moment. The way I look at it, is that this is why you should trust yourself. I hope this helps.

 

Thank you for your words. I keep reading and rereading them trying to get it to sink in, to sink in in any way that can lessen my hurt. I just don't know how to handle emotionally, mentally, the thought of him seeking out bodies that are *not mine* even if very similar over and over again for is pleasure (bear in mind he's now been clean for 15 months, so I am trying *currently* to grapple with the past stints of 2, then off for 10, then on for 5 before our dday). I know that I'm likely being naive and am likely very weird in my ability to shut myself off to anyone other than him. But it's like take for example this weekend. We had a really good, intimate night. I was feeling a little lackluster, but he was way wanting to be together so badly that I rallied despite being very tired from mothering. It went well, ended wonderfully and we both felt very connected. Then the next day comes. All of a sudden, even though we connected, bonded afterwards felt at peace, fulfilled, all I can think about is how things weren't like this before. I never thought it was horrible, but it wasn't connected like this. And while in theory I should be very happy about this, all I can think about is that all this energy that now is directed at me, was directed at *them*. It was supposed to be mine but he gave it to them - none of these caresses, moments where he grabs me like he can't get enough, deep long kisses...none of that was happening because his sexual energy was spent being excited by other women. I'm the same person I was, if anything a little worse because I'm a few more babies in and my rage is off the charts with my trauma. So he will grab my side an run his hands down my curves and say this is the best curve in the world, and all I can think is well maybe it is the best one (I'm quite proud of it) BUT if there were a thousand other curves of the same spot he delighted in...well then I just feel sick. I cannot undo the fact that sure while to him those *pixel* women were fantasy, my brain on the other hand definitively knows that they were real women. Sorry I'm going on and on, just driving this into the ground. How do we as wives move on from our husbands telling us how wonderful they think our bodies are while knowing they scrolled down a page looking for the most exciting, better version of those same parts while we were down the hall asleep? How do we feel good about our bodies knowing that the person most dear to us opted to covet and delight in the same parts of other bodies? The pain is too great. I wish I could change myself but I don't seem to be able to. I can't seem to minimize it enough to cope. It just seems like you men are too into it, too desiring the women in the porn you watch, too participatory in the scenario of the content. I'm too unable to separate the physical from the meeting of souls, my physical is part of it for me. I don't even know where I'm going with this even - I just cannot no matter how much I spin it around comprehend how husbands couldn't understand how wrong and damaging this would be to their wives.

 

Was thinking about what I had written, and I just keep circling around the thought that it's like all of you husbands doing pmo don't realize that you are MARRIED. Married. And then you come out of this pmo stupor, like you've been at a years long sketchy, cheating bachelor party suddenly ready to participate in a marriage. My own husband seems shocked when I say I don't know who he is. But I don't. Because the man I married put on a pure act, convinced me he was nothing like men who just want all the women. He expects me to believe he only wants me, but I'm sitting here all of a sudden feeling like I'm not even married. That I've been playing house this whole time. I'm now thrust into a life and marriage I didn't choose. I can't even tell if I'm confusing myself when we connect - is he really becoming who he said he was or am I still not understanding who he really is and am pretending he's who I wanted? The levels of confusion are so hard on our end. The pressure to be the one now holding the fate of the marriage is really hard, especially if there are children involved (and that alone is a little infuriating because the weight of motherhood, keeping children alive and raised, is already a weight so large we feel inadequate all the time).

 

You're describing feelings my wife has expressed - and is working through with a therapist who has a lot of experience with porn addiction + betrayal trauma.

One resource I found for her (but she didn't use because she found the real life therapist more helpful) is this: https://bloomforwomen.com/

 

I've used tons of their stuff. Dr. Skinner who runs bloom (and addo and a host of others), has two really good books that I've been working through - one on betrayal trauma and one that is for those healing from the addiction itself. I think both are great for driving true intimacy.

I just personally don't know how to undo the damage to myself, to my role in this marriage, to my hopes and desires. If this addiction were to alcohol or drugs, it would only require my husband to become a whole new person, not me. It wouldn't require me to question my judgement on everything, my entire identity, or my capabilities as a person. This addiction, because it involved lust and women, even if just virtual in my case, essentially dragged me down into it. Now even though I don't want it I'm being reset, rebooted against my will. He got to call timeout on our marriage unbeknownst to me and now he's resumed play and expects me to be able to keep playing even though the rules and game effectively changed entirely without me even agreeing to it. I'm supposed to assume this new identity and be able to do all that I was doing and more, all the while I feel like I had a stroke and don't even know how to do anything anymore. I know that these are all symptoms of trauma. I can do all the therapy in the world to improve those issues, but it won't undo the fact that I now have to make the decision on whether I even want to exist in this new life that I did not choose. I have to go from thinking I was the woman of my husbands dreams, in a love that made all that other crap not appealing or needed, to just a woman who is good enough for the day to day. There are so many days I find myself kinda wishing he'd just had a real affair and smashed this love to bits instead of trapping me in a bottle intact and coating the outside with smut. The pressure to have to be bigger and better than I ever was before is crushingly big. I think some women, due to previous life choices, will likely handle all of this a lot better than those of us who grew up hoping to find the one.

 

One thing I have learned with all of this is that, one of the main reasons it can hit us so hard is due to other traumas that have taken place in our lives. Another difficulty is encountering what we grew up with that gave us either an idea of what we wanted or what we didnt want. Setting these standards early in life can tremendously impact our mental states when the rug is pulled out from under what we thought was our great marriages.
My father was a SA. I would watch my mom struggle with this so much. I would see how much it hurt her and I always thought my marriage would never be like that. I was going to find anhusband that only wanted me. Knowing now that my husband is a PA, it crushed this idea and has left me not only dealing with my own pain, but dealing with the pain, anger, and hurt I felt towards my father for doing what he did to my mom. This is where things begin to twist together and it makes it difficult to separate my reality now from my past reality.
Without a firm foundation in how we feel about ourselves prior to marriage and prior to D-Day, it is so much easier to crumble under the pressure of the marriage, the expectations, and the responsibilities. One of the things that has helped me was to step outside the marriage and take a look at it from a different perspective. I had to detach myself from the big problem and start looking at little problems one at a time. When doing this, I was able to look at things from my husbands perspective, and could see what led up to his addiction in the first place. Okay, so now these issues can be addressed one by one until we get to the bigger problem, which was the addiction itself.
I am not saying you have to do the same thing I did. I was able to do all this because of my background is psychology, neuroscience, counseling, etc. What I am saying is that detaching yourself from the addiction is a necessary part of your healing. You're probably feeling like you're going in circles. Healing yourself needs to be a priority because you are worthy of that. Finding some way to detach from all of that (I know it is super hard) is going to be an important element in that process. That is the only way to stop walking in circles.
I'm in no way saying your feelings about it are invalid. They are. I'm in no way saying that what you're feeling about it is wrong. Its not. I'm in no way making excuses for what he's done because he is still responsible for what he has done, what he has caused, what he needs to do to recover, and what needs to be done to heal the marriage.
As far as your role, your hopes and desires, etc are concerned, this is an internal issue that you've got to work on outside of the marriage (I dont mean you have to leave the marriage). You've got to find out what is the best way for you to move forward so you can heal and get better, and the way to do that is to find out who you are outside of everyone else. What is it that you want to do? Where do you want to go in life? Do you want to go back to school? Find employment somewhere? What can you do to help yourself grow as a person? Start setting goals for yourself even if they are small right now and work towards those bigger goals. I really feel this will help you start to make sense of things.

 

You might just need time apart. Many wives find that a short separation, while working on their own healing, helps them to get past some of the anger and hurt. Using the time apart to focus on yourself and your healing. Some say it was really the only way they could heal and return to the marriage.

 

I can tell you my wife tells her therapist that she feels stuck sometimes - not with me - but with the process. Sometimes she says that she wishes she never married me and wondered what would happen if she didn't take that path. It's hurtful, but she's being honest.

I'm not expert - not even close - and I'm on the other side of the table - but I have to ask how much talking you've done with him about this? Does he understand everything you're saying?

My therapist descsribed it this way. My addiction broke the relationship we had. It ruined the foundation. So, going forward it would be silly to try and repiar it with tape and runs to home depot. Instead, we have the opportunity to build a new relationship with better understanding and honesty and tools. And that relationship can be bigger and stronger. It's that path that gives me hope and I think, while scary to my wife, gives her a bit of hope too

 

Yes! The old relationship is dead. You must form, establish, build a brand new relationship. My therapist said exactly this same thing.