My PAWS Story

Hi everyone,

I hope this is the right place for a post of this sort. I’ve been a longtime lurker on the forum but a lot of the stories about PAWS have really resonated with me and helped me make sense of what I’ve been going through. Becoming acquainted with the concepts of PAWS and kindling several months ago is what finally convinced me that “moderation” is not a viable approach to PMO and that I really do need to be done with it for good.

A little bit of background: I’ve used porn since around age 14, though didn’t have high-speed internet until I went away to college at 18. I’ve always known on some level that PMO is not good. As a Christian, I’ve also struggled to reconcile viewing porn with my faith, but kind of came to an equilibrium of sorts where I decided that it wasn’t necessarily morally wrong in every instance, i.e. so long as it didn’t become an addiction (while I was becoming addicted lol), as long as all of the participants were willing and not exploited, etc. In practice, I did think there were strong arguments in favor of limiting its use but I still accepted that “moderation” was probably OK.

Being a very meticulous and data-oriented person, I’ve actually kept fairly detailed logs of my streaks for about the last nine years. Until about four or five years ago, I’d never managed to go longer than two weeks or so without MO, though I did sometimes go longer without P. I could definitely tell that even fairly short streaks made me feel somewhat better (mild “superpowers”) but still didn’t think of my habits as terribly destructive.

However, these streaks did remain fairly short in the grand scheme of things. The first time I cracked 30 days without MO was 18 months ago, and to date I have never even cracked 60. However, about a year ago I began to experience some strange symptoms (numb/tingly feet, strong feeling of mental cloudiness) that I initially thought might have been indicative of poor blood sugar control (I’ve tested borderline diabetic in the past).

A couple months later, I experienced a pretty severe breakdown and exacerbation of PAWS-type symptoms. It was around this time that I made the connection. In retrospect, many of these things have actually been building for several years, but I always chalked them up to the effects of chronic stress (have been dealing with some family-related trauma for about five years). Here are the symptoms that I have grappled with since my “crash”:

· Difficulty breathing (even though doctors say oxygen is fine)
· Dizziness/balance issues/sensation of being on a rocking boat or being pulled around
· Numbness and tingling in hands and feet
· Light sensitivity, worsening of eye floaters and visual snow (both of which I have dealt with for years, even pre-PMO)
· Tinnitus
· Insomnia/non-restorative sleep (have always had trouble with sleep though)
· Extreme fatigue (have gone down a lot of rabbit holes reading about ME/CFS and worrying that I may have this)
· Depression/anxiety/anhedonia/agitation/feelings of terror/occasional suicidal thoughts (have always had some OCD/depressive tendencies but nothing like this)
· “Early satiety,” i.e. feeling full after eating only a few mouthfuls of food
· Extremely rapid and pronounced “pruning” of fingers when taking a shower
· Neck issues (I have long suspected that some of my problems were related to my neck but have always been scared to visit a chiropractor – it’s now hard for me to disentangle what might be caused by underlying structural problems and what’s due to PMO)
· Some very mild issues with memory, but thankfully not too many cognitive symptoms (yet – really dreading the flatline I know is in store)

I have seen some specialists about these problems and have had clean MRI’s, CT scans, etc. I’ve refused medications because I know that they’re likely to make things worse (have spent a lot of time on benzo forums reading about how their PAWS experiences are similar to PAWS from PMO).

Following the crash, I have been trying to commit to zero PMO, though have relapsed several times, each time with a worsening of at least some of the symptoms. I have managed some of my best streaks ever since then but am really scared that I’m permanently damaged in some way. I’m also terrified about being unable to work and support myself going forward (thankfully I have been able to work part-time and from home during the pandemic). As I said, it’s clear to me now that these issues have actually been building for years and I stubbornly ignored the signals my body was sending me.

If you’re religious, I’d ask you to please pray for me. And if you’re not, good thoughts and vibes would also be appreciated! Feel free to ask any questions and I’ll try to answer.

 

Hi grffn, thanks for reaching out. In retrospect I also think that I probably have been in a constant state of low-grade withdrawal for years. I definitely used to feel a rebound of sorts if I went more than a week or so without PMO or MO, but over time even that effect has waned.

Thanks for the tips about sleep. I have been told the same thing by several people about setting a fixed schedule for going to bed and getting up, but I've never really managed to fully commit. And you're totally right about the phone. I find that when I struggle to sleep I just play with my phone, which I know just makes it that much harder to get back to sleep. Sigh...