Advice on Relationship with Transgender In-Law

@MrMomandAddicted Thanks for asking for my input on this. I only read the first half of these posts because I don't like this kind of debate. So I apologize if any of this ends up being redundant. Frankly I am both fascinated with and repulsed by transgender women. But I saw a video that made me think deeper about this. You can look it up on Youtube, it's called "Transgender Woman - WHAT WOULD YOU DO."

The other part of you struggle seems to be not with the issue of transgender but with the issue of lack of acceptance of family. I am going to mention my own situation, which might give you some food for thought. I have a complicated family history. I don't get along with my mother, sister and brother. I have decided that I don't want them to be a part of my life right now. I don't expect other people to understand because usually people think I am cruel or foolish for cutting them off. Without explaining my family background, I think that including them in my life would introduce unnecessary problems in my family. And as I'm sure you will agree, being a family man is already hard enough without letting your destructive outside relationships (including in-laws) get involved.

I wonder how your wife is taking all of this. Even though you said she does not approve, I would just be careful because she might take your rejection of any of her family members as an indirect rejection of her. In my case, I am careful to never say anything even remotely negative or ungrateful about my in-laws because my wife would take it very personally. I believe that dealing with your in-laws is ultimately your wife’s responsibility, not yours. After all, he is her brother, not yours.

 

@MrMomandAddicted , I think that it is great that you had the courage to address this issue on the forum and lay bear your own doubts and true feelings. You probably realized that you would get shouted down as a closet bigot but what I see is somebody's desire to engage with a disturbing topic rather than just dismiss it or pretend it does not exist which is what a great many conservatives do.

Simple Reason: I feel uncomfortable being around and talking to a "woman" who I have known for years to dress like a man and talk like a man. It just weirds me out. I think, though, I would eventually get desensitized to the feelings of weirdness. So... I try not to dwell on those feelings, as I think they are only temporary.

That's fine. The idea of gay sex weirds me out too but it does not stop me from enthusiastically supporting equal marriage rights. Its their personal choice and I respect the fact that people can love each other, despite the bodies their souls may reside in. And before the far right fundies can shout me down, no that definition does not extend to pedophilia or bestiality. I am talking about two people in a relationship of equals choosing to love each other as they please which applies to both heteros and homos but not to pedophilia or bestiality.


Logical Reason: Why waste soooooo much time in your life trying to change yourself from a man to a woman? This seems like such an empty and selfish endeavor. Physical appearances are very superficial. I dislike the idea of someone having surgery to change themselves into a woman as much as I do the idea of paying to have your boobs artificially enlarged. Shouldn't humans worry about more important things, like, helping out their neighbor, volunteering, raising their kids? My brother-in-law claims he needs to be a woman to be happy, but, I contend that he will never find happiness by changing his external appearance, and that he will only find happiness by healing himself from within.

Yes of course, humans should worry about more important things but the fact is, most humans don't. We worry about our lawns and mortgages and our cars and our clothes and how to afford that once-in-a-lifetime-cruise to the Bahamas. The logical extension of that argument is that we should pretty much donate all our time and money to doing things for other people instead of ourselves. Admittedly, that would make the world a better place but most people would be unhappy. The thing is, if we are unhappy doing or being something, we can never really give off ourselves with a full heart to others and sometimes the thing that makes us happy can either be a bigger car than our neighbours or it can be resolving an inner conflict that has plagued us for most of our life. The only person who can make that decision for your brother in law is himself. You believe he needs healing from within but maybe this is his way of healing the divisions within himself. Its his call.


Where I am Seeking Advice: We worry about allowing him to influence our kids. I talked with him about this and even he admitted that he would at some point explain his thoughts on his actions to our kids. I really don't want an authority figure in my kid's life trying to explain to them that having sex change surgery is one way people find happiness in their lives. At the same time... am I just being an ignorant conservative honky? I also don't want to hurt my brother-in-law in an effort to protect my children, if that effort to protect my children is unnecessary.

You might come from a conservative background but you had the courage to ask people to help you understand his decision so probably not honky material. The thing is, what are you trying to protect your kids from? The age we live in, they are exposed to all the things you fear (and worse) through the internet. You cannot shield them forever. Ultimately, they must be able to make their own decisions. I am sure your brother in law is not going to tell them that surgery is the only way to happiness for everybody; just why it was necessary for him. In fact, it would be better if he/she explains it to them rather than they come up with their own ideas from the news or the internet or relatives. If you let them interact with their aunt freely, it is more likely that they will tell you what is really going through their heads as regards this issue rahter than they come up with some half-baked concept that they will not share with you.

At the end of the day, it is hard being a parent and trying to make judgement calls on everything for kids. Maybe you could get your brother in law to interact with your kids and see how it goes and what he/she tells them. That should assuage your fears and you wont be creating any family divisions that you might regret.

 

The LGBWTFBBQ crowd already has little boys twerking in gay pride parades. Poor kids probably don't even understand what sex is and everyone is gushing about how brave they are.

 

I just read this forum thru, i just wanted to share that my gf is transgender and we are in a relationship for over 2 years.
It's hard for me to give you some advice because for me this became a normal thing already a long time ago.
I guess it depends more on the person itself instead of the transgender category.
For all i know she is good with children and i see only adults having problems with this.
Cheers

 

That's because children's minds are malleable. They are not smarter than adults except on unfunny sitcoms.

 

Also a child will go off with a total stranger if he/she promises enough toys or chocolate. They also can't really distinguish between truth and lies, and will also believe anything you say to them, like unicorns are real, fairies exist and gender identity disorder is normal. They also tend to unintentionally try to kill themselves if you leave them alone for an extended period of time without rules to follow. Oh wait...adults do that too. Strange huh?

 

related

One of the founders of fuckh8 legally changed his name to "Luke Sissyfag" for a few years (just like you and me.)

 

Oh it's fuckhate...took me longer to realize than I'd like to admit. Hehh the term fuckhate seems pretty angry to me. One might say...hateful? But this is just another nail in the coffin. The way I see it, western society entered self-destruct mode a long time ago, and it's hellbent on going down this path until it will be overtaken. It will be a slow, painful, agonizing death as the rot eats it alive from the inside, and there will be absolutely no one to blame. (Though they will find someone.)

 

I wouldn't say angry so much as edgy and lame.

I think you just described AIDS.

 

Well, actually it's kinda like AIDS. Because AIDS is a disease that practically destroys the immune system, which is supposed to protect the body from bacteria, viruses, and all kind of harmful stuff that comes. So you won't actually die of AIDS, but you'll die because of something stupid little illness.
Society has it's own immune system, laws, and an internal structure, that clearly distinguishes what is acceptable and what is not. For example laws against murder are there to protect society from murderers. When you start to negotiate and let smaller harmful elements count as legit, you weaken the immune system of society. Here are a few examples:

When the laws on marriage has been lightened, and it became so much easier to divorce, the result was countless divorces that could have been worked through and saved with time and effort. Since it wasn't required anymore, people chose the easy way out. Resulted in a lot of anger, hatred, ruined homes, fines, and mistreated children.
When the law to legalise abortion happened, people also chose the easy way out. They gave up their responsibilities to be careful when having sex. Women who regretted their abortion needed counseling, sometimes for decades, and I don't even count the death of 56 million unborn children in the last 30 years or so.
The results were not obvious then, but now we see that maybe we have more freedom, but at what cost?

If you have a law and you want to change it, you can't just think in short term, accomodating the will of a few, disregarding the consequences. Like AIDS doesn't kill instantly, the eroding of the immune system of society doesn't kill instantly either. But it surely does in the long term.
Changing laws shouldn't happen so carelessly.

 

Well intentioned implies not meeting, we deal with real problems here - this website is a place of action.

On to your story, wrong or right, the simple answer is who are you to judge. You know that. Man up. Get over it. Show your love. Let him be. Remember how you always did exactly what your mom told you not to do when you grew up? Cotton balling goes nowhere. Teach your kids to center themselves in their judgment and then let it be. Pick up a new hobby with the new time on your hands.

 

OK. This is a very controversial topic. Emotions run very high.

However it is important to note that ultimately you are responsible for yourself and your family. Your brother-in-law is ultimately responsible for himself.
You worry about hurting his feelings but he will have experienced the awkwardness you worry about many times. It will be an everyday occurrence for him. Trans-genders are tough. They have to be. One of my childhood friends is transgender and she/he is very much used to the awkwardness now and brushes it off.

I feel this is something that you cannot truly ask for advice outside for. People will throw their opinions onto you but if you are not living 100% the way you feel is right then you will not feel its right no matter what people on this forum say.

Look truly deeply inwards and do what you feel is right. Contemplate this and take as long as you like. Talk it through with your SO. Make sure the decision you make is one you are 100% comfortable with. Also ultimately accept that whatever decision you make life goes on.

 

Kudos for your humility and compassion. I too am a moderate conservative and have been trying to accept a similar transition in our family. This is an extremely difficult situation especially when kids and grandkids are concerned. "Johnnie" came out 2 years ago but, at 66 yrs old, cannot complete the physical transition because of medical reasons and will remain a physical "male" forever. Wife and I are the only two out of both sides of the family and all their friends who maintain social contact. My wife's acceptance is solely to show support for her sister but sister has become completely enveloped by Johnnie's needs, wants and desires as a new woman. Divorce may be on the horizon but that doesn't concern us except for sister's happiness.

I've heard "transition doesn't change who they are" and "they'll still be the same person" but I've found neither to be true. What I once had in common with Johnnie no longer exists. Her politics and religious convictions have significantly changed. These are entirely up to her and I respect her choices but my point is that Johnnie is no longer John in every sense of the word.

The transition has not helped. She's more conflicted, seems much more distracted, less sociable than ever before. She's lost contact with her daughters and grandchildren and the remainder of her family. She keeps maintaining it's the cost of being happy but she was much more outgoing, social and generally happier when she was male. Smiles and laughter are much much less frequent, if at all.

I've asked her if it is/was all worth the consequences and she doesn't feel that it was and is contemplating reverting back. If and when she makes up her mind, there's no telling how family and friends will respond or react.

It's been very very confusing for the grandkids (under 12) and will be even more confusing for them if/when she changes her mind. The parents have decided to wait another 2 years for the final decision before they tell their kids what happened to who they once knew as Grandpa. Until then the parents say there won't be any contact for the kids' sake.

 

I wonder how many of the transgendered in their 20s are porn addicts? All of them or 99.9% I bet.