I will never stop fighting (personal journal)

So, I'm on day 7.
Everything here will be a personal opinion. It may contain knowledge, who knows. But it will surely contain ignorance. That I promise. don't forget about this while you read.
Been wanting for a while to start a daily journal. Perhaps it could help me put it on paper. Virtual paper.
I've been trying for years to get out of PMO, but only about 3 months since I read the YBOP book. If you're reading this and you haven't read YBOP, I recommend it. Specially if you're a follower of Christ, for there is not knowing God without knowing yourself.
The church does not yet know how to deal with this issues and the paths it has managed to lay out for the believers to follow, lead to shame and guilt. And we know there is no shame and guilt in Christ. So, it still needs improvement.
Nevertheless, religion figured PMO was hell before science, so, we have to consider the good and the bad.

I'm a 30 year old man. Single.
I love women, i like them all.
I've been single for a while, but have had many dates.
I keep losing interest on the 2nd/3rd date. It might be because of PMO.
I've had no libido for a week now.
Been exercising almost everyday. Just 1.2km daily, to keep it simple and not lose interest. Also, some pull ups, when I feel like it.
Been keeping my cellphone and tablet out of my room with discipline. NO cell phone or tablet on the bedroom or bathroom. This is the first time I've tried this. I manage. Had to buy an alarm clock thought.

Alright, that's enough vanity.
To whoever is reading this, I love you! And I think is beautiful that you're trying to get out of this garbage. Don't stop! But be kind to yourself. God is.

 

Day 8.
One of the benefits of a daily journal is that you get to realise some things when you put them in perspective.
The first is who you write for on a forum.
I need to constantly remind myself, that thought a community is essential to overcoming this kind of things, the priority is to be entirely honest while I write.
Secondly, support is very important, so after writing everyday I will go out there and encourage others on their personal posts. Just to give it a try.
And last, that we emotionally change everyday.
I was reading my input from yesterday's post and I was feeling hype and optimist. Not that it is completely different today. But not as much at yesterday perhaps.
This reminds me that we're emotionally creatures and emotions cycle. It would be a mistake to rate my health based on feelings. It's good to be happy, but I need to prepare myself for other days to not be this way.

Today I woke up with an erection, which I consider a good thing since its a natural reaction.
I got out of bed because when this happens, my imagination could be an enemy to the cause.
I was tarting to have thoughts about a girl I like, nothing sexual, so it was good.
But after a while it started to direct that way, so I stopped and got out of bed.
Went out running. 1.2 km not much, because I don't want it to be a burden since I don't love to run. But I always sprint max speed the last 200 meters in order to stress myself, because it helps me to end up tired.
Came home, took a shower and started working.
After a while, I started reading the news and I recognised some libido due to some pictures I saw. So I thought it would be best to stay out of it.
Still no cell phone or tablet on bedroom and bathroom.
I even went into the bathroom and took my bluetooth speaker to listen to some music, synced to my cellphone, which I kept outside of the room.
Im pretty excited about friends coming over on sunday for a BBQ. Looking forward to it.

Don't stop fighting.
Mozart

 

Day 11.

I'm feeling positive today.
Like one of those days that you feel like you won't PMO.
But I believe I still have to be careful.
I've been trying to avoid movies/series that I know may contain sexual images, because I know it may trigger some desire.

I think the feeling that makes me want to PMO the most, is boredom. I can't stand being bored.
So I'm thinking about writing a list of things I think I would enjoy doing in order to do some of them in case I get bored.

I won't exercise today because I'm taking a break and starting over tomorrow with some running.

Don't stop fighting.
Mozart

 

Thank you @Sacred Fire and @DiscT365!
I appreciate the input!

Day 12.

Still feeling good and positive today.
Still no libido.
I've been reading the book "Seven complex lessons in education for the future" by Edgar Morin. So far it's become really helpful since it aims for a better understanding of humans. Which I believe is a cornerstone for my healing process. Understanding myself.

There is a chapter in which he mentioned how our inner function affects how we see, hear, perceive the outside world much more than the other way around. I find this extremely helpful for a better understanding of thoughts, feelings, actions. And perhaps, since I’ve shaped my inner functioning for years with pornography, which may lead to the way I see women, this 98% of fantasies, needs, images, ideas, desires, dreams corrupts my vision of the world and specially women. I leave the quote mentioned above, for anyone to read:

"Human beings have an extraordinary capacity for fantasy and imagination. Entry and exit routes connecting the organism to the outside world make up only 2 per cent of the entire neurocerebral system; the remaining 98 per cent is devoted to inner functions. The brain constructs a quite independent psychic world where fantasies, needs, images, ideas, desires and dreams ferment, and this world infiltrates our vision or conception of the outside world.”
​

This helps me to come up with some thesis, that may soon find antithesis, and so on:
- There is still a long way to go. It will be hard.
- It is easier to live a life based on inner functioning (Guided by fantasies, needs, images, etc). 2%<98%.
- It is not only about abstaining from PMO, but changing/healing inner functioning. Or better said, abstinence is a cornerstone for this process but it’s not my goal. Healing/changing how I fantasise, need, imagine, desire, dream is my goal.


Don’t stop fighting.
Mozart

 

Day 14.
14 feels like a good amount of days.
I recognised some libido in the morning, but nothing unbearable.
Went out running in the morning, which always feels good.
Took a cold shower before start working.

I’m feeling good about this whole thing.
I think reading and learning about myself and how I operate helps a lot. But sometimes I wonder if I’m actually changing the way I think or if I’m just not PMO.
I wonder this because, every time I relapse, I go down hard and start PMO 2-3 times a day for 2 or 3 days or until I have no libido.

I wonder why I just don’t relapse and get up, if I believe this to be poison.
I heard the phrase “We are only as sick as our secrets the other day” which apparently is a common phrase for AA.
So perhaps sharing somethings I feel ashamed about could help.
I hate where PMO has lead me to during the past years. Going from watching any kind of porn to looking for specific things that would bring much more pleasure to look at. Things like incest porn or positions in which women were vulnerable.
The problem is not watching. The problem is feeling pleasure from this things.
It is quite strange if I think about it.
I don’t want this. I don’t want to want this.
I also read the other day that love is the ability to want the welfare of another person, even if it costs me something. The moral opposite of love is lust. Which is to seek my well-being / pleasure at the expense of other people. This is definitely how I feel about where these past PMO years have taken me.

Don’t stop fighting.
Mzt.

 

I had a relapse today, on day 17.
I PMO’d 3 times.
I didn’t have that much libido when I woke up.
I was going through twitter reading some sports news and saw a picture of a women on bikini or something and I just couldn’t get the thought of any naked woman of my head.
I thought “It would so great to look at a naked woman right now, it would bring so much pleasure” I was aware that I was going to PMO.
It’s weird, I fell like I could’ve done any other thing besides PMO, but I just didn’t want to because it wasn’t going to be as fun.

It’s always a bummer.
Sometimes it feels like I can only do it as long as I have no libido.
I’m removing twitter from my daily activities.
I used to look at porn on twitter. I think it might trigger some things.

Starting back tomorrow from day 1
Mzt

 

Day 5.
I’ve realised some things. Or at least I feel like I have.
I’ve lost confidence with women.
There is this girl I like and I feel like I have zero chances.
Now this may be this case, but it’s also something that started happening in the last couple of years.
I used to believe that I had a chance with any girl. Of course that’s not true. But the confidence I’ve lost is what I’m paying attention to here.
This girl is a friend of mine. We have been friends for a while.
Now the confidence I talk about is not towards human encounter.
For example.
Some friends came over this past weekend for a BBQ. She was here, with her brother who is also a friend a mine.
Now, I can sit around with my friends and talk, make some jokes, make them laugh. If I look at myself as if I was outside of my body (lets say, her perspective) I think I look like a confident guy.
So is not like I’m shy.
I talk to her, I look at her in the eyes, I can have a fluent and natural conversation with her. I make her laugh. I make her laugh a lot.
But after 10 minutes she was here, I looked at her and thought “She’s amazing” and all of the sudden started to feel so sad about it. I felt sad that I could never be with her. Not in a sexual way (although she’s beautiful), just be with her, and her wanting to be with me.
I know PMO has something to do with this. I’m almost entirely sure. Because I didn’t use to think this way.
I used to be way more confident.
Now, Im gonna try still, with her I mean. But trying with and without confidence are to separate worlds. I know this because I’ve been on both sides.

The other thing that I’ve come to realise, is that I fantasise ALL THE TIME, not sexual fantasies. But just about everything else. I think maybe PMO has something to do with it, we’ll see.

Be kind to yourself, be brave.
Mzt

 

Day 16.
The last few days have been tough.
I’ve been sad on and off, but mostly sad.
I’m still able to accomplish most of my responsibilities, but I know i’m not emotionally up.
I’m starting to think that i have zero pain tolerance. And that this maybe be something that has lead me to PMO in the past.
Sadness is painful. I want to deal with it, with healthy activities (hang out with friends, take a walk).
I know it will pass. I have to push through the pain.
Praying helps me like no other thing does, it’s amazing.

Mzt

 

Day 30.
I’m actually really happy about the time I’ve managed to be sober. 30 sounds like a lot of time for someone that has been trying for so long.
I feel more emotionally stable.
I’ve also recovered some self assurance.
With time I’ve been getting less bored, which can mean that I’m recovering the joy for some activities.
I feel good, although I can ignore that sometimes I get some thoughts but it helps reminding myself constantly why I’m doing this.

Mzt

 

Thank you @D-Mystifier and @Nelsonerhire for your comments. Its nice to read you both and find common ground.


So, it’s been a long time since I wrote something here.
Im back because I think writing my thoughts is good for me.

I had a relapse today again. I had one in middle december last year on day 70, in such a dumb way that it hurts to look back.
For some reason, every time I relapse I spend 2-3 PMOing twice or three times a day. Maybe it’s a way of saying/thinking “I blew it, so what’s the point?”...Then I try to start over.
Had another relapse at day 30ish on january and after that I’ve just been postponing day 1 until today I guess.

Structure is key. I had to travel in december and moving away from home to another space (in which I couldn’t apply the rules I had at home to stay clean) made it harder. Also now that I’m back home, some relatives are staying here and I’m sharing my space, which makes it difficult to organice myself and start over, but not impossible I think.
So I will try to keep as much structures as I can for now. I need firm ground.

I’ve also been talking to a girl. We traveled around in december. It was nice. We’ve known each other since we were kids. So it’s nice to be around her.
We’ve been writing and facetiming regularly since then. She’s so beautiful and so kind. So easy going, I love it.

But somehow I can seem to want a relationship. I mean I want it, but it doesn’t feel like I want it.
This has been a difficulty. I cannot understand myself.
I also don’t know if this is a consequence of PMO or if I just don’t like her that much (but then again, I do).

Anyways.
Day 1
I will not stop fighting against this garbage.

 

Day 5.

It really helps knowing that I’m in a process of having my brain unlearn certain habits, but also misconceptions.
I do not wish to live a life in which I see sex and women, the same way I see eating and food.

I was thinking that we live in a world that has diminished the meaning of sex to very low points.
Firstly by making us believe it is a “physical” activity only. As if human beings could separate the body, from the mind, from the soul, from history, from society, from culture, from biology, from the spirit.
Through the time you can see this kind of assumptions about different things/concepts. I believe it may be due to the “need” of knowing everything and having it fit our square boxes of knowledge. All organise and approved.

I think we are much more complicated than this, therefore, much more harder to understand.

Sex is much more profound than what we have been thought, because we shall never forget, that we’re being sexually educated by people that want make money. As much money as possible. And if not them, by people who have been raised in societies where, again, people that want to make money out of sex, have shaped the meaning of it.

I appreciate science, it has helped me in such beautiful ways to see where I’m at, and perhaps a glimpse of where I could go.

In regards to misconceptions of sex, I have nowhere to go except God. I don’t trust my life to other human beings conclusions, just as much as I wouldn’t let anyone trust their lives into my hands.

It’s a long way.
It’s a fight.
It’s beautiful in a way, if you think about it.

Mzt

 

Thats right @ColombianMan! It’s also a long fight most of the time. May God give you wisdom, so you can find peace and freedom. Remember knowledge(science+experience) is key!

 

Day 9

I’ve had a rough past month.
After I was at around day 70 last year and day 30 in january, I’ve been missing my goals for about two months now, going back to PMO. I guess failing after 70ish days has been harder than I thought.

Going back to my notes has helped me. I read a couple of days ago, that’s its not about abstinence but brain balance. So I've restarted my exercise activities, going for long walks and reading.
I’ve also been avoiding playing video games too much. And it has been different.

Boredom kills me. I think about what to do with my days and somedays activities just seem pointless or, compared to PMO, much less “fun”. This has been specially rough to pass through for the past two months.
But I’m feeling positive now.

I feel pathetic sometimes. Specially if I read through my words on this journal.
I know no one here will judge me, and perhaps it is “pathetic" to be this old and not have the kind of discipline one could hope.
But it simply doesn’t matter, because I want to be free from this and I know I will. I just wish it doesn’t take too long.

I can’t seem to be interested in relationships of any kind.
There is this girl, she’s wonderful and she likes me. She really likes me. And I should like her too but after the excitment of the first stage where you are getting to know a girl and are not sure yet if she’s into you and it’s fun to talk and the confidence you find, etc. After that I just can seem to find interest. And its painful in a way because I know I can be very happy with this woman.
And its getting harder to answer here messages because I have to “force" myself to do it. And its also so not fair to her.

In a way I don’t want to move forward with her but I know that if she’s starts talking to someone else I would suffer. It’s vain and childish but it is what it is.
This is one of the hardest things, not knowing what I’ve done with my emotions trough all this years of PMO.

I’ve read that some people starting regaining interest in others with time. I hope the same happens to me and I can see this girl differently before losing her.

I’m still fighting.
Writing my feelings helps.

Mzt

 

Day 2

So I reached 100 days about 3 weeks ago. Then I had a relapse and have been struggling since.
this time it wasn’t like the other relapses. I think fight against myself. I just lost focus and thought something like “life is more fun with PMO in it” but it isn’t. The eternal promise of something wonderful that its just to empty and hurts you in so many ways. Don’t fall into that trap.

I’m starting over. I’m still fighting.
Mzt