I am getting used to changes in my sexuality

Year 2019 was for me a time of extreme escalation and probably all time lowest point in my mental health, self esteem etc. I developed sissy fetish, I felt strong need for sexual submissiveness, I was thinking that I might be trans or gay and my life might just turn 180 degrees any moment. I never had any gay thoughts before and only few experiences with crossdressing (I just natutally lost interest).

Year 2020 was time of slow recovery. I have lost sissy fetish. However each time I was doing more than 10-15 days nofap, I had intense desires to go on gay app and have sex with men. Back in 2019 when I had first gay thoughts I was really scared. During 2020 it became more mundane, it wasn't that much of a suprise to me, because I already had it before.

Now I feel that impulses I first got in 2019 that were radically against my past identity evolved into something less extreme and more acceptable. It's almost like dialectics - thesis, antithesis, synthesis. I identify now as bisexual with romantic preference for women. The fact that I desire sex with men does not mean that I will become exclusively gay. Instead of exclusive submissive I feel more like power bottom. I actually find some sub scenarios desireable and I have urges to act them out with women or men on my terms. I do not want my dominant partner to be abusive or emotionally unavailable. I do not see submissiveness as a bargain to help my insecuritues or made me worthy of attention.

While problem of unaccepted homosexual desires is new to me and definitely it is effect of porn and low mental point, I also have a lifelong furry fetish. I never accepted it and it was mentaly draining for me to live with it. Always when I had those gay fantasies I was going on a furry app to chat with potential hook ups and before of understanding of my fetish I feel more comfortable exploring my sexuality on those apps than on normal gay or fetish apps.I had a lifelong policy of zero interference with furry fandom because of all the damage that furry porn made to me during the years, because of all fetishes I got. After my early experiences I just came to conclusion that this community is as bad as I thought before, but then I found other apps, that were convinient to look for potential hook ups. And while still I believe that furry fandom is toxic, I just had to admit that with my fetishes it is just suited to me for looking for sexual partner.

I won't come out as bisexual and I definitely won't come out as a furry. It may be a wierd thing to say but after all the bad things that this fandom made to me, I feel that it would be "just" to have some fun from it. If I can't get rid of it, at least I can have sex because of it. And in comparison to 2019 sexual feelings I have now are something that I can accept. I am very tired of changing fetishes and I am very tired of having part of myself that I do not accept. On the other side I would prefer without hesitation to go back to my pre 2018 sexuality but I don't know if I can do this. This sexual middle ground from the perspective if terrible last year feels like a good bargain, from perspective of my whole life it feels like dramatic change for the worse.

Most importantly I suspect it might be a step on a journey to full recovery and being attached to much to my current state may prevent me from completing recovery.

Can anybody relate?

 

I would love to listen to this narrated by Alex Jones.

I felt exactly like you in last year when I was struggling with sissy fetish, it felt extremely forced. Now my fantasies about being sub or bisexual are a lot less extreme. I do not feel like repeating what I have seen in porn, rather my past sexuality and porn met in a middle.

For some people hocd or sissy fetish feel forced and then they just go and things reverse themselves. I would be happy if it was my case. Maybe what I am experiencing is last effort of my uncosciousness to get some sexual reward. Because I don't really have problem with desire to look at porn or fap, I think that I have more self control than ever.

And the fact that I accepted being bi, does not mean that I will act on it. In fact I don't want and would prefer this to be just a phase. When I had those extreme urges that were opposite to how I was before, there was no way to accept that I have them and be myself, now I feel that those changes in my sexuality do not threaten my core identity (in some other aspects I became better person recently), I do not have to act on them. And I feel that newfound integrity, the feeling that there is just me, not me and anti-me feels really good. I think that identity crisis was making nofap harder by worsening my mood. Also like many people questioning their orientation I was sometimes rationalising looking at gay porn as "testing myself if I am really gay". Now when I accepted that I am bi, I just know that I like gay porn and I don't have to check myself or overthink that. I can finally make nofap my priority. I hope that this is a phase, but I am no more anxious about my sexuality changing.

 

While I don't think that your experience is comparable to my current state, I appreciate your post, I was there and many guys were thwre

 

I'll try to phrase myself as good as I can. First while I had some fetishes that were quite extreme (like sissy), there was still much room to fall and what is important I very rarely masturbated more than once per day and I was most of the times spending couple if minutes on watching porn, an hour was really long and rare, I wasn't edging and stuff. My escalation was bad and I wasn't able to break with porn for very long time, but I would not consider my addiction extreme (there are people who edge for hours or masturbate multiple times a day, I wasn't one of them). This a bit of a background.

And for example if I would let sissy fetish became my lifestyle I would probably end killing myself or some shit. Yeah things influenced my identity, but I want't to specify that I don't want to be degraded or humiliated sexually, rather just take submissive/bottom role with men or women. I am ok with vanilla sex with women.

First I still like vanilla stuff and solo images, I escalated but not because normal porn was doing nothing to me. And honestly I don't know answear to this question and I don't know how to tell.

My attitude now is that having one more coherent identity is preferable to having two conflicting ones in permanent conflict. Also in the past I was afraid that all this sissy bullshit will just completely overtake me. And then it would be no way to hide from my family or friends, I would lost my life as it was. Now it is really dependant on how I'll deal with my current state. And how I said, I don't want to act on those fantasies but for example I prefer to explore them in a safe manner rather than being overtaken and doing some really dumb shit. Still, I prefer not to and I feel that I just have lots of libido that is normally pacified by masturbation. The whole thing even may go away, I would be happy. But for the time being I am bi, it has it downsides, but internal peace is just more important to me than pretending that I am stilk straight and everything is fine. If the newfound integrity will help me with nofap then it would be amazing. Also considering how much changed I will be extra carefull in the future, because a relapse might push my sexuality even further.

 

It absolutely might be the case, I am aware of that. I just know that things may happen. It is not the way I would choose if somebody would give me some "character editor" that could change every aspect of my personality. When I was regularly watching porn I had a lot less gay thoughts and I was coping with failing nofap by "at least I do not have those gay fantasies that often". It was occasional rather rare fap to gat porn and that's it. So I felt "straight" most for the time, but I was miserable because of porn addiction. Now I am doing with nofap really well but I am undeniably bisexual. If this is some wierd price, then I guess I'll take it, because I might do some risky thing, but I might also never have gay encounter. I have a potential to do bad instead of doing bad.

 

It absolutely might be the case and honestly I hope that this is a last defence effort of my brain to force me to go back to addiction. That's why I don't want to act on it.

I just prefer to accept, that at least for the time being, I am not straight anymore and try to live with it and avoid further damage than being constantly anxious about becoming not straight. I still like women, so if I'll play my cards right no drastic changes to my lifestyle will happen. I'll just have to deal with those urges. And after all I have experienced I really don't want to go back to porn because of how much, maybe irreversable changes, it have done. I may be minimalist but I am especially glad that I have dealt completelt with sissy fetish under the year, I remember reading that being unable to deal with properly may lead to dysphoria and then to transition. And those are not some additional fantasies that can be managable if you are strong willed enough. I know that many people beat this, but lots deal with the problem for long time and some, probably rather small minority, fall for it completely and transition. The thing is at the beginning you never know if you will fall into this group. I am glad I did not.

 

This is true. Even if the endgame is to completely recover less anxiety is just better than more. Also I don't want to be feminine, I am happy with my masculinity and I want to work on it.

This is pretty much where I am now today. I would like to have dom gf, but I'll not prioritise sexuality over romantic feelings. And after all very few women are doms anyway.

I am sure that in my case furry fetish is innate. In case of sissy it started two years ago. I crossdressed only few times before and became bored with this fairly quickly. It can mean that I always had this side but as well it can mean that it is aquired if I wasn't that hooked before sissy fetish.

I hope they are bs but I just wouldn't care that much if in my case they weren't.

Very interesting post, thanks for insights.

 

I was doing a lot of introspection recently and falling for a desire to have gay sex is a lot more arousing than gay sex itself. And this fantasy of repressed homosexual accepting his desires and enjoying them is something I got from porn (almost all gay porn I was looking at shared the same story). This is a big sign that my bisexuality might be porn induced bs and fully reversible.

My fantasy of masculine presenting, dominant girlfriend is just a more acceptable version of the repressor turned gay fantasy, submitting to a man is replaced by submitting to a woman. I also do not have that strong desire to seen this fantasy becoming a reality, vanilla relation with a feminine woman is not only acceptable, but something I really want, when I throw out through the window all the BS. I am both emotionally and sexually attracted to femininity and I don't have doubts about it. All those role reversals, partial attractions to masculinity are themes from porn that I internalised. In comparison to peak of my sissy fetish I can say things are normalising and I hope it will continue untill full recovery.

 

I also came to the realisation that I might tolerate the act to get attention and validation, even if turns out not to be really that pleasant or arousing.

I am still probably not fully recovered fromy two years long period of depression, subconsciously I still have a lot of angst about being unloved, I don't obsess about it as I was doing in the past, now I don't have such thoughts really and I gained enough confidence to plan going backt to daiting as soon as whole corona situation lessens a bit. Damn, I really should just find myself a girlfiend and see how it goes. I wasn't even that sexual in my past relationship, I wasn't pushing anything (we both wanted to wait till marriage, we have non sexual intimacy, damn I miss those kisses). I really woldn't mind having girlfriend who is not very sexual person as long as there is intimacy and affection.

I think I was pursuing sexual validation from furries both because some scrap of validation was fairly easy to get, but also because I still believed deep down that validation from wowmen is beyond my reach. Some guys like to boost their confidence by having casual sex and while I was thinking about all those gay hook ups it was an argument and part of the rationalisation to me (I'll lose v-card, I'll finally have sex life like other people, I'll be more confident in dealing with other people), the idea of hook ups with women as confidence boosters just never happens to me. When I think about having ons with a girl, or more realistically lucking out or getting a pity fuck, yeah it might be some quick fun, but I don't think it would really change how I see myself or make me happy, because it is not really how I imagine my relationships with women and not really what I want. Also while I ultimatively see furries and men as ersatz relationships, I'll just take what is available, because women are my real interest, I have standards and I woldn't take situation I wouldn't be comfortable with, for example I wouldn't accept open relationship, while with men I don't care about it, because I don't care about them really.

So yeah, I guess I'll have to ask Santa for a gf this Christmas. But seriously I need to think more long term and focus on finding a relationship when I'll have opportunity to do so.