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Heartbreak

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by TimeToQuitNow, Nov 18, 2020.

  1. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    I was engaged to a woman I love recently but she called it off. I've been trying to win her back but the heartbreak is still there. It has been causing me to relapse more than normal. I know I shouldn't use it as an excuse but it feels like I can't help myself. And the worse part is that I keep watching "porn" of girls calling me a loser. Or of "beta safe" porn which if you don't know involves censoring boobs, butt and vagina so that you feel like you aren't good enough for them. And I don't feel good enough for them as of late. For the first time these weird fantasies don't feel like just fantasies. It feel like the reality I am in now. I am hurt and confused. Guys tell me, what should I do?
     
  2. I have the same fantasies mate...i feel you... I'm sorry about that. They just prey on our mental weakness . Start abstaining from them or else you will go into a hole which I went (and still am in there) . Stop watching findom and femdom porn....it will ruin you mate.. I'm telling you.. believe me.
     
    TimeToQuitNow likes this.
  3. onwards_upwards_1

    onwards_upwards_1 Fapstronaut

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    I'm sure you don't need anyone telling you not to watch porn - if you're on this website then you probably already know that porn is not going to make things better - at least not in the long run. However, one bit of advice I can give you is on the relationship thing. You say you are trying to win her back. Well, unless you did something specific to make her leave, like cheat or something, trying to 'win' them back NEVER works. If you cheated or messed up in some way, then by all means, do all you can to make it up to her, BUT, if she has simply decided that she doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about her, then you can't 'win' her back - believe me, I've been there. At best, the most you'll do is guilt her into giving you a bit more time before she leaves you again. And at worst, the trying to win her back will just annoy her and push her further away. I'm sorry, but this is true.

    The best thing you can do - and I know this is much easier said than done (again, I have been there), is to leave her alone, if she misses you, she'll come back. It's that simple. In the mean time, focus on you -

    DON'T FALL INTO A PORN HOLE
    DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF (of course you can be sad about the end of a relationship but don't self pity)

    DO EXCERCISE
    TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
    MEET NEW PEOPLE

    It will get easier, the important thing is NOT to spend time thinking up ways to make her to feel how you want her to feel, and stay away from porn and self pity at all costs. Be strong, and before you know it you'll be pining over a new woman ;)
     
  4. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    Oh believe me, I've been watching femdom for a while. It is starting to catch up to me how bad it has been for my self esteem. I hope you get out that hole soon.

    The reasons she left is a story too long and personal for me to get into here. But I think you are right. I often am really hard on myself. I need to better love myself. I don't know if my lack of self love comes from watching porn or if I watch porn because of my lack of self love. Either way it isn't the solution.
     
  5. I really resonate with what you're saying, you feel that you aren't worth anything because she didn't value you and hurt you so bad. I think it's important to go through these emotions and this temporary phase of pain, but stay open to meeting other girls, friends or family. Keep talking to them, if you have close friends you can share this with then maybe that could make it lighter. Do things that improve your self-esteem and try to be gentle with yourself, let the emotions out as much as you can, and maybe seek therapy if it goes really bad. Lots of guys have been rejected and get through it (like me). I always think that it wasn't a wasted experience but a lesson to look after myself and be independent.

    I would say you did the right thing posting on this forum, you are at a juncture - you can either give in to the negative, toxic cycle of porn and depression, or you can face up to it, staying positive and helping yourself. Don't feel sorry for yourself, that's in the past now, it's time to move on. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and you can find another girl who values you. Don't give up, and while resisting porn is hard right now, sometimes you just have to be a man and do the right thing. If you weather this challenging time without PMO, I guarantee your self-esteem will skyrocket as you can still help yourself. Porn is a rabbit-hole, don't step into it. I regret I got into it, and I wish someone had told me this when the girl I loved rejected me.

    Godspeed!
     
    TimeToQuitNow and Kakarot_2694 like this.
  6. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    You are very kind thank you. I think I'll take your advice and talk it over with some friends and family. That might help. They know but I haven't gone into much with them emotional; more so a statement of fact. Porn is the enemy and I refuse to go down its rabbit hole any longer. Hope all the best for you
     
  7. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    How to break the cycle:
    1. Identify the triggers (emotions, thoughts, people, situation).
    2. Adress Euphoric recall (how do you feel after engaging in the act- emotion, cognition, interpersonally, occupationally, financially)
    3. Pair the porn (keep a photo/ video nearby where you relapse that reminds you of your true self, who you were before the addiction, who you want to be, who you look up to, God)
    4. Lock it down (firewalls, apps, blockers, extensions)-I recommend Cold Turkey for computers. These REALLY help you to keep your mind off porn while your brain recalibrates its neurotransmission but remember not to depend on these alone.
    5.Reboot (removing the stimulus completely is the best thing to do, cravings will start soon after so you need to raise your awareness and plan from the get-go alternative activities to engage in when an urge comes. An important concept I just became aware of is Urge Surfing: an urge only lasts for about 15-20mins, if you are able to ride the wave out for that time, it will go away. Research distress tolerance techniques.)
    6. Unhook the association between who you are and what you are thinking about. Instead of saying " I am a beta male", say "I am having thoughts about being a beta male". Recognize that you are not your thoughts/brain; you are the person perceiving all of this. Your thoughts are not you!
    7. Adress the underlying issue otherwise you will continue to relapse.
    -Low self-esteem
    -Depression
    -Anxiety/stress/fatigue
    -Anger
    -Insomnia
    -Feeling isolated/social anxiety/lack of intimacy
    -Boredom
     
  8. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    Will do, thanks
     
  9. MOTM1989

    MOTM1989 Fapstronaut

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    Hey brother I understand because I fell into femdom as well. Never understood why it appealed to me, but it did. I just made my first post sharing my own story and it’s pending moderator approval, but if you don’t have PIED at all at least be thankful for that. I’m questioning whether or not recovery is even possible for me because of my age, symptoms, limited experience, and long term use. Anxiety and boredom seem to be my triggers and losing the first great relationship I’ve ever had recently has made it hard for me to give rebooting a real shot. I’ve slowly started looking into meditating and downloaded at app called Insight Timer. I’d recommend checking it out if you are interested.
    Best of luck man.
     
    TimeToQuitNow likes this.
  10. D-Mystifier

    D-Mystifier Fapstronaut

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    Sending you love man! That sucks to hear, but hey, it shows the reality of the situation. All you (we) can do is to take measured steps towards who we truly want to be. With time and help from the great diving things will turn around!
     
    TimeToQuitNow likes this.
  11. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    I am always glad when someone can relate to me. I never really thought about PIED; I don't have it. If I am around a pretty girl long enough it is almost impossible for me not to get hard. And same when I go to sleep and wake up. We often take things for granted without realizing it. I should be more thankful. I'll check out the app thanks.

    Thank you. Yes self improving is really important. But what is "the great diving"?
     
  12. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    All the best brother.
    All this information I collated from .
    Seems to be a trusted source after I've been doing this NoFap journey for about 3 years I would say the ideas there are pretty accurate.
    Remember surf the urge out brother.
     
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  13. DiscT365

    DiscT365 Fapstronaut

    What I do know is that you cannot do this journey alone. I am about to resume therapy to complement my own efforts. It does help I would say.
     
    TimeToQuitNow likes this.
  14. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    @DiscT365 Thank you. Maybe I'll go back to therapy myself
     
  15. syefox

    syefox Fapstronaut

    I fell into the same terrible femdom trap and you guys have given me so much hope through your words and your experiences and your research ! thank you for sharing thosr and good luck in your journey bros, I feel strength when I read these
     
    TimeToQuitNow likes this.
  16. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    Good luck to you as well!
     
    syefox likes this.

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