So I let my fiancée know...

Not necessarily what you asked for, but I am a SO of a porn addict. A little different perspective...

When I first learned of his addiction, it caught me extremely off guard (and I didn’t even realize how bad his addiction was at that point). He’s a super clean cut Christian guy - amazing in every way, I just couldn’t imagine him having a weakness. It hurt me, but I loved him so much that I knew it was something I wanted to be there for him and support him through quitting (we had just got engaged).

I’d like to think I’m really supportive, but also firm on my stance that it needs to stop. I have my moments where I say things that probably inflict more shame, consequently not helping him in his journey. I think as a SO of a PA, it’s really important for us to get help as well. All the emotions we go through and the betrayal (this has been a 2 year journey for us and every time i found out he’s fallen back into it hurts worse and worse bc he prefers that to me), need to be sorted through and not bottled up. However, only speaking with my husband about it burdens him further with everything, furthering the issue (his problem stems from low self confidence and shame).

it’s a really weird spot to be in, as now he’s had me set up covenant eyes and lock down his apps with a passcode. It puts me in an almost parent position which doesn’t feel right as his wife, but I will do whatever it takes to help him through this and strengthen our marriage.

His porn addiction really has had an extremely negative effect in our relationship. It’s crazy how much it has affected us, me especially. I used to love giving him head and now I feel super self conscious, as though I’m being compared. I bought a ton of lingerie right before we got married that I just can’t bring myself to get into. I’m always hyper aware of leaving him alone now. I’m extremely sensitive to everything... even him using a different blanket at night. This has been an ongoing, deeply wounding thing for us. So I have really dark days when I can’t even focus because it’s on my mind and I have a million questions. Just to give a little perspectives of where I’m at.

Despite everything, I’ve never said no to him. Even though I have super low confidence at this point, I think withholding would do more damage. I also try to be more aware of when he’s moody, to be there to talk him through things rather than letting him muse over it all in his mind. I try my best to help him when he’s stressed. More than anything, I try to deepen our connection rather than having just surface level conversation/interaction. I want his full mind, body and attention present with us going forward so I try to do everything I can to keep us moving in that direction.

sorry for all the rambling - hopefully something in there was useful for you ha!