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What is Fair to Ask/Know ?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by ihatepornsomuch, Nov 26, 2020.

  1. ihatepornsomuch

    ihatepornsomuch Fapstronaut

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    I’m struggling with all these questions and I’m just wondering what all is fair to know/ask? I realize some things aren’t beneficial to know and though they’re killing me, I don’t think I want an answer bc that might make it worse (I.E. what has he watched, what’s he into, certain porn stars, etc.)

    However, though I’ve found a lot of solace in these forums, I keep seeing things about celebrities or other weird porn stuff that I never knew existed which is making me really want to know if he’s in that same boat or not? It’s not like I want an in depth list of everything he’s seen or all his thoughts, but is it fair to ask for a general consensus of the porn he’s seen/used? Ugh - I still don’t know if I’d want that answer though!
     
  2. The more clouds you push around, the clearer the sky is, believe me. If you're afraid to vomit, you won't clean your insides you know. It's a dumb metaphore, but I think it makes sense. You don't have to be afraid of answers and nor you should be afraid to ask.
    It' s important to be really opened to each other, honest.
     
  3. ihatepornsomuch

    ihatepornsomuch Fapstronaut

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    True. I feel like, in a way, with everything he’s opened up to me about (or I’ve pried out of him), though some answers have really hurt me, it’s also built a bit of that trust back. Which doesn’t make sense considering some of it technically also broke my trust. I do feel better when I know he’s being transparent and opening up to me.

    But there’s still a part of me that knows he won’t willingly give up that information and I have a feeling he’ll just tell me that’s not productive, it won’t help anything, etc. The reason I’d be scared is for the hurt that would follow if it’s some sort of extreme answer or who knows what.
     
    Enulv likes this.
  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Perhaps wait? It sounds like you are torn now between wanting to know and not wanting to know. In a few weeks it may be clear to you the things that you need to know for your own peace of mind and the detail you would rather not know.
     
    hope4healing and ihatepornsomuch like this.
  5. Exoffender

    Exoffender Fapstronaut

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    i had to confess to a very naive wife (who had never watched porn in her life) all the sh*t i had watched (because it included illegal stuff too). Hardest talk i've ever had. She indeed almost vomited by the sheer thought of it. Although it's three years ago i'm still ashamed and it haunts me every day. But: our relationship has improved, not having secrets anymore is a relief for the both of us. And i'm grateful she stuck with me. A lot of women wouldnt have.
    i wish you all the best in this very difficult situation, if you want to chat privately just start a conversation.
     
    abc12345678ia likes this.
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    What all is fair? Anything you want to know to continue in the relationship. For instance one woman I know had daughters and he was the step father- finding out his main go to was step father/daughter porn was the hard line for her and she divorced. For someone else it might be rape/abuse porn. For me, I wanted to know everything, because if I’m going to continue investing me into the relationship I want to know the very worst. Was he interacting with people( camming), was he sexting, did he go to massage parlor or strip clubs. I also insisted on full disclosure with a csat and polygraph, because again, addicts lie, and I wanted to know that I knew everything that went on behind my back. One secret/lie is enough to keep them stuck. Join enough betrayal trauma groups and you realize how few actually tell the truth to their wives. The ones who do are the ones who tend to be more successful in recovery. What’s fair is what you decide you want to know. Everyone is different.
     
  7. ihatepornsomuch

    ihatepornsomuch Fapstronaut

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    I must be so naive when it comes to this stuff, I had no idea that would even exist. This makes me gut wrench.
     
  8. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    It is a joke - but real - but there is porn of everything out there - everything.

    Personally, I think it's fair to ask anything you want - just be prepared for the possibility that you may not like the answer when he tells you the truth (and you want him to).
     
  9. starlight92

    starlight92 New Fapstronaut

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    If you feel that you really want to know sth- ask him.
    But, from my experience, it's never-ending.
    One answer generates many other questions.

    I'm glad that I asked about important things (if sth is a no-go zone for you and you need the answer to decide the future of your relationship then it's important to ask).
    But many questions weren't necessary and I knew that regardless of the answer I was not going to leave him but I asked anyway and now I deeply regret it.
    Now my brain has more bullets to make me feel even more miserable when I have a worse day.
    And I don't know I can't tell you what is worse: not knowing and speculating or knowing too many details.
    Please be good for yourself and think twice before you ask.
    It's important to find healthy boundaries between your right and needs to know and your mental health.

    I decided that it's not good for me to swim in that s*it who he fucked and why this body type in Monday and completely different on Friday.
    I still have a lot to cope after previous rush questions.
    I wish you the best :)
     
    MountainInMyWay likes this.
  10. ihatepornsomuch

    ihatepornsomuch Fapstronaut

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    Yep, that’s probably exactly how it’s been for me (one question generating more).

    And I’m so conflicted. Part of me wants to know but there’s there part of me that has information (that I pried of him) that I hate and I sort of wish I didn’t know. In the same breath, I’m sort of glad I know as well. There’s something about the transparency that makes me feel better. But I agree - another bullet hole on those hard days isn’t doing me any service. The thoughts seem to be torturing me though... wanting to know what exactly he’s seen and what he was into. I just don’t know.
     
  11. ihatepornsomuch

    ihatepornsomuch Fapstronaut

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  12. Luvspin68

    Luvspin68 Fapstronaut

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  13. Luvspin68

    Luvspin68 Fapstronaut

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    This is a good thread.

    I’m dying to know more details. I torture myself filling in blanks.
    The thing is......... even if I asked , he would NEVER tell me.
    He is too ashamed.

    so ......... I guess you are lucky he told you?????

    it all sucks.

    but please, everybody weigh in on your opinion about this.
     
    +TenPercent and ihatepornsomuch like this.
  14. ihatepornsomuch

    ihatepornsomuch Fapstronaut

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    What are the things you are wanting to know that he won’t tell you?
    I really like what someone mentioned above... it’s fair to know anything that you need to in order to continue in the relationship.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  15. Exoffender

    Exoffender Fapstronaut

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    And ultimately its you, SO's,, who decide that. If we are not prepared to answer than we're not worth your love.
     
  16. LifeHappens

    LifeHappens Fapstronaut

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    I just posted kind of the same question, and now saw this thread. I am also confused. Hope you're doing okay!
     
  17. Exoffender

    Exoffender Fapstronaut

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    It is very confusing and it will be for many years. It will affect your love and sex life. It's aswful but true. Taking it slowly and talking a lot are the only options imho
     
  18. LifeHappens

    LifeHappens Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately the talking has been one sided, so that's where the problem comes in *sigh.
     
    ihatepornsomuch likes this.
  19. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    Is something that he does in his intimacy. So you can ask him what ever you want but is up to him if he wants to tell you or not. Of course is up to you to accept or not that kind of behaviour.

    then.. wait until you are sure. I don't know your husband.. but there are man that look at soft porn.. porn that is just sex.. closer to normal.. but on the other side there are man that look at really messed up stuff. Of course theres a lot of people in the middle. Only ask him when you are sure you want to know and are ready to handle whatever he said to you.
     
  20. Stop The Cycle

    Stop The Cycle Fapstronaut

    I think the answers from women and partners are the most valuable here, so let me repeat what has been said:

    Ask whatever you need to know to continue this relationship. Don't stop asking until you get honest, clear answers.

    He brought a bunch of crap into your house. It's reasonable to want to know what kind of crap is in your home and life now. Here are some reasons why this is good:
    • You can't help what you don't understand. If you don't know what he's been doing, then you're not in a good place to try to help him. You may never understand why he did it, but you can understand what he did. This can be helpful for changing.
    • You can't live in fear of the next skeleton in the closet. Looking ahead, he may fail fifty or five hundred times. You can prepare yourself for his efforts and even his failures. You should not be expected to live in fear of the next dark secret from the past coming out.
    • You can expect him to be honest. Difficult conversations don't damage intimacy, they promote intimacy. Literally, talking about the worst parts of ourselves is one way we build intimacy.
    I find this super difficult with my wife. Not because she is unreasonable, wrong, or unwilling. I'm all three of those things. Years of hiding, shame, and isolation caused me to run away from these kinds of conversations. Your partner is probably the same.

    Still, you have the right to know.
     

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