About detail in telling your SO

Just don't tell her. Fix your problems and move on like a man. Don't tell your weaknesses to your woman. They are only going to bit you in the ass later on.
Keep you problems to yourself, maybe share it with really good friends or an specialist, never ever to your woman. You are her rock, you are her montain. if you show waekness in her eyes she is going to start to don't trust your masculine core and start to test your streangth. Avoid that innecesary drama, keep it to yourself.

 

I think you have to go all the way if you really want to make the changes. She will hopefully notice a change in how you connect, in intimacy etc. Women are not stupid. Even if you're not suffering from PIED, you would hope she sees you change. And what are you going to say if she just asks you about what caused the change? She will feel betrayed and you need to be prepared to open up. in my case I had to confess everything i ever watched and i'm very lucky she forgave me and we are still together. How naive is she? Has she ever watched porn? How open to new things/kinky stuff is she? She will be shocked about what you've watched, but sooner or later you will have to tell her. Secrets in a marriage are long term killing for your relationship.

 

Be guided by her. If she needs to know details then tell her details, if she'd rather not know them then don't. As long as she knows you are there, that you are doing the hard work needed to give up porn, and that you are ready to answer any of her questions honestly then that's all you can do.

Disclosure can be cathartic for the person unburdening a secret but tough on the receiver. Be open and honest, but listen to her.

 

I agree with letting her know about your PMO problem. It's actually way more valuable to acknowledge that you have a problem. And I completely disagree with hiding your weaknesses from your woman, only a coward would try to do that.

Face things like a real man, PMO is a big problem, and you need a lot of help to get out of this problem. The most immediate help you can get is from the person with whom you share your most intimate life. Even though it might be super difficult, in the end, this terrible experience will result in growth for both of you.

However, I strongly believe that the details of your addiction (like what kind of porn you're hooked to) is irrelevant because it is not a representation of you really are. Instead of that it's just how your addiction has escalated. In fact, this is just going to make her process even harder to accept. Just let her know that you have a problem and that you need help.

 

Hey man, I know what you are feeling ! I took my courage and admit her everything I went all-in ! At first she was shocked but never judge me or fire back to me. She took a day to calm down and then she came back telling me that she loves me and she will be there for me throught the process ! If you lover her don’t hide her, being a man is to admit your act and accept the consequences that come
with. We are not « perfect » because we are man ! We do make mistake but the important things is you want to change you want to grow ! If you are not a red fish in an aquarium she has no reason to letting you, you want to change, you are proving her you want to change, you are taking decision that is gonna make you change ! Believe me, if she trully love you she will stay and help you mate. Be courageous I had to and I don’t regret it !

 

Did you literally tell her what kind of P you watched? Had she ever seen it? When I told my wife she had a lot of questions as she was totally naive with regards to what I watched

 

My wife wanted to know pretty much everything about what I watched and when I watched it. To begin with I trickle fed her and outright lied about some things. It took me three times of "full disclosures" to get everything out in the open and admit my lies. I think I hid things to begin with to try and protect myself, a thought process a lot of addicts are guilty of. Eventually my sense of guilt finally caught up with me and the result of my lies and omissions was a longer recovery process for both of us.

 

Yes I told her the kind of P I was into .. everything and she know what P is because she has seen some P in the past by her own too. So I didn’t had to explain the scene and everything but I told her the genres, the escalation process, I presented her as what it is, an addiction. My addiction was way before we met, so I made it clear that it wasn’t her fault at all, sometimes SO can think you’re watching P because they are not sexual enough or anything like that. So you need to make it clear, I’ve always been attract to her even if I was addicted to P. She’s not the source of my addiction. If you are true with her, and explain her what the addiction is she will understand better. At the end when you’ll be rehabed, you’ll be more linked togheter I believe. It’s a huge mark of maturity and courage to admit those kind of thing. It’s also a huge mark of confidence. Everything is in the how you tell her mate.

 

Hi! Your story sounds very similar to my husband's. I agree with telling her... like someone mentioned above, us women are not stupid. If you are feeling differently towards sex and not acting on it as much, chances are she's feeling like I did, undesired. I definitely noticed a change in my husband (though the addiction started way before me). It would be even more hurtful for her to find out some other way rather than you being open and honest about it. Though my husband's addiction has hurt me in many ways, him being fully transparent and open with me really helps build trust (sounds ironic, I know). Anyways, someone just shared this with me so I will add it on here (as far as the details go) I think it is super helpful. As a betrayed SO, my mind is swirling all day with questions. It comes and goes in waves. It's really just a rabbit hole that goes deeper and deeper. I want to know things, but I know I don't actually want to know at the same time. While a lot of it is important to share, there are somethings that are better left unsaid. HOWEVER. I do think she has a right to know whatever she feels she needs in order to proceed in the relationship. My advice would be to let her sit on the information you initially give her for awhile, because it did take some time before I realized there are some things I think can let go and knowing won't be productive overall. This analogy really did help.

Sorry for all the rambling, I don't have a ton of time. Hopefully some of that is useful for you! Feel free to message if you have any more questions from a SO standpoint

 

I never knew that porn was an issue and because of it my marriage suffered. My wife is a very sexual person and I always saw her as sexy, but my mind and body wouldn’t let me act on it. I figured I was just depressed, stressed or had low testosterone? We separated in 2017 for a bit, but got back together because I felt like I could control my depression. This wasn’t the problem though. Fast forward to now. My wife and I separated again and I discovered the book, “Your Brain on Porn” and this forum. It has changed my life and opened my eyes. I now am fighting to repair my marriage. I have feelings for my wife again and desire her more than ever. I only wish I could go back in time and see that porn was the issue.

My advice to you is be honest or actively work on yourself to be better for you wife. Either way it is important that you recognize the issue and work to improve. You got this!