New here, not sure if I fit or not

Hi everyone,

I'm new to nofap and having spent the past few days reading and looking around, the conversations here are really speaking to me. But I'm also in a different situation from a lot of you so let me explain my history.

First off, I'm 36, I'm gay and I have a history of submissive fetishes. I'm very sex-positive, so I don't find any of that shameful, in and of itself. Fetishes are fine when they're part of a balanced and healthy sex life. One of my biggest fetishes has always been being locked in chastity, and luckily I have an amazing partner (future husband?) who thinks I should be locked as well.

We have a great sex life. I'm a bottom and stay locked up, and we have wonderful sex 1-3 times per week. He's very loving and gentle which is new for me. I've always felt strongly deep down that O just wasn't for me, and I'm so lucky to get to have a partner who thinks so too. He always says that I need to stay locked in chastity for my own good and because he loves me.

But here's the problem. I'm realizing that through all of this I have an extremely unhealthy porn addiction. Being locked in chastity makes me horny, but instead of transferring any of that energy into anything productive, I spend hours on end trolling extreme porn and wasting my life in front of the computer. What's worse, I've figured out that if I rub my chastity cage just right I can actually still masturbate within my device, which is like cheating on my loving partner.

I know I need to stop the porn addiction and stop touching myself! I know it's bad for me and ruins my mood, ruins my energy and my self-esteem, and it makes me into a lier since I tell him I'm being good and not doing that. But the urges are so strong. Why do I watch this extreme porn where guys are brutal to each other when I have a loving partner I could go cuddle with instead? I want to channel this energy into healthy things like getting in shape, organizing my finances, working harder at my job (I work for myself, so hours of porn = hours ignoring my work).

Anyway I have a long journey ahead, and I feel sort of alone. The gay chastity community is so focused on porn and fetish. The nofap community might judge me. But I think I was drawn to chastity at a young age because it's right for me in a fundamental way. I somehow knew I needed it. Then porn took that impulse and made it really dark, like it's always just a hardcore fetish, rather than part of a very healthy, loving, monogamous relationship. So why can't I give up the porn?!

Anyway, I'm just saying hi for now. I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts and encouragement

 

Thanks so much for the reply! I think you're right about achievable goals. I'm also hoping that I can find a little accountability here. I may even try one of the support groups... maybe I will try meditation as well. Honestly, I'm proud of myself just for posting all this and owning up to my problem, even just on an internet forum. It's amazing how awful it is to live in denial.

I guess my goal for now is to make it through the week without a relapse. No P!! I've got a really busy week of work and I'll try to focus on that, and I'll try to come back every day to post my progress.

 

This rings so true for me but also sort of breaks my heart. My partner is amazing, we've been together for about two years now and we've lived together through the pandemic and I'm more in love now than I ever have been. That's a big part of my motivation to improve myself and my life. And he's so supportive of my journey.

But here's the part that's difficult. I've been lying to him about this. Sure, he sees me looking at my computer or phone all the time but I don't think he knows how much of that time is spent on porn. And worse, because we agreed that PMO was bad for me when he locked me in chastity, he has no idea that I've figured out how to MO anyway, and I've lied straight to his face about it. If you asked him where he thought my counter was, he would say more than 100 days. The truth is, it's less than a week

FWIW, he doesn't have this problem at all. He gave up MO without trying, sort of naturally when he began having relationships. Now he only has orgasms with me, which is so incredibly sweet! I think I need to come clean and start being honest with him. It's not fair to him and it's making me feel so guilty. I just don't know if I have the heart to tell him I've lied to him so many times... maybe I can just be truthful moving forward, resolve to do better and let the past be the past?

The last thing to say is that even though I'm really feeling the weight of this struggle, I also woke up with more optimism today than I have in a long time. I'm going to start a journal thread I think, track my progress and also try to track mediation and exercise. It seems like those things really help guys living without PMO so I'm ready to dive in head first.

Hey Ewig, thanks, I'm glad I'm not alone. What exactly are you struggling with? I'd love to hear your story as well. And sure, I think we could all use a friend who understands this stuff

 

Thanks so much for the kind words of welcome! I've been really struck by how open-minded and encouraging the community is here, from what I can see so far. I've been on a lot of message boards over the years and nowhere have I felt so welcomed. I'm also a gay guy who's spent most of my time online on gay sites, most of which focus on porn and sex. I love my gay friends, but gay culture can be really toxic, body-shaming, and shallow. But usually when I'm with straight guys I feel weird talking about my sexuality and sexual health in an open way, so I just keep my mouth shut. It's pretty liberating to talk openly about my goals.

I'm actually feeling really great about this journey. I feel like the nofap attitude is all about self-improvement and there are so many areas of my life I'd like to work on. I'm a little nervous that I'll take this burst of energy, bite off more than I can chew, and then burn out and relapse, so I'm trying to moderate my excitement. But I'm feeling optimistic

Hm, your post has a lot of things to respond to. Honestly I think we may not be on quite the same page. I'm very sex-positive and I don't think there's anything wrong with kinks, when they're practiced within safe, sane, and consensual relationships founded on trust. But I'm not sure that wrapping wire around yourself as you sleep in order to cause severe pain is healthy or safe. I'm also not sure this is the right place to be discussing that sort of fantasy, as it could be pretty triggering for some people.

My interest in wearing a chastity device is complicated. I was drawn to the idea of wearing one from a very early age, but I think it was my exposure to porn that made me understand it as a fetish in the first place. But historically, chastity devices were used by all sorts of virtuous people to keep them protected from unsafe or undesirable behaviors. It's really recent in the grand scheme of things that they could be considered a fetish. I'm starting to wonder if part of my journey is reclaiming the original purpose of chastity, without porn, so I can live without PMO and redirect my energies toward self-improvement. I'm still exploring these ideas but this is where my head is at now, anyway.