Wife Had a Dream

I'm not an SO, but for my wife and I it was (I think) the accumulation of lots of little things that helped her trust me, things like me being present when we're talking, me doing all the little jobs that I say I'll do, me not getting defensive, ...

I also wonder if a kindle instead of an iPad would be a good idea, and read in bed with her as she falls asleep rather than staying up after she's left.

Good luck, over 5 months is awesome.

 

So good on the 5 months!

I’m an SO, and have nightmares about these same things often - even after a wonderful night! They seem so real, almost like a premonition, so my feelings about it become extremely real/hurtful. The best that my husband can do is to not be defensive. He can hold me and tell me it was only a dream, reassure me of his progress and what he truly wants for his and our life, pray about it with me that I will not be attacked this way, and just be super supportive even if I’m going nuts. If I detect one ounce of annoyance/defensiveness, for me it only reaffirms my feelings that the dream will come true and my life will be over, and etc and etc down the rabbit hole because of my trauma from this storm. It might sound ridiculous because it’s a stinking dream, but we women most likely have either experienced a dream coming true or know someone in our situation that has. I know I have.

Because of this, my husband has given me the thumbs up to always wake him up if I have a nightmare, no matter the hour. That helps my mind and heart a lot.

Again, way to go on your progress. (I also love the idea of a kindle.)

 

You don't need to prove anything to anyone. She knows you had that addiction, you are working to figure that out and you are doing it. She accepted your past and decided to trust you and have your back in your nofap journey. Is not your problem she had a nigthmare, she need to deal with her insecurities, not you.

Don't over think it. You did nothing wrong, don't try to fix something is not broken.

Your only job is to stay sober and be a good husband. You don't need to reassure her in any way. She need to get over this insecurities about it. Or she trust you or she don't.

Is just a dream, is something that is happening in her head. Is not your problem to deal with it, everytime she came up with it be fun about it, don't gave it importance at all. Porn is something of your past that is not worth your time speaking about it, if you don't give a f*k about it she is not going to give a f*k about it also.

You were just a good husbund supporting her in a bad day, what did you get? a woman complaning for something you did on a dream... I don't deal with that crap anymore from woman. I'm not going to waist time talking about it, she need to realice that is not your problem that she have trust issues, and need to decide if she is with you in this or not.

They way you write tell me you put her in a pedestal after she found out about porn and you are trying really hard to don't upset her in any way. Keep behaving like that and her complaining is going to get worst with time. Stop her before it get ugly.

Such a beta book to read. Read about how to be a real man. "the rational male" "how to be a 3% man" etc.

 

It is still very odd to me that the terms Alpha male and Beta male are referenced in statements by those who don't understand what exactly they're referring to.
Alpha male wolves in captivity: aggressive towards other wolves, fearful, territorial, insecure
Alpha male wolves in the wild: confident, makes sure their pack is cared for and nurtured, not aggressive unless there is outside danger.

These studies were done by the same researcher. People often reference the Alpha, Beta version of wolves in captivity. As though being aggressive and insecure are badges to be worn and bragged about. As though there is some sort of glory from being aggressive to get what you want. That was not their true nature.

 

This!

Reassurance, reassurance, reassurance. Be loving and gentle. Don't act like any of her trauma is an inconvenience. How far are you in the book?

 

In my head, the dream might actually have been created as a reaction to your increased caring attention. Like in a video I saw lately of an abused dog being petted by someone with a really thick glove on. The thick glove showed the dog affection, and the dog bit it, because the dog was used to being abused. It took time and repeated advances for the dog to trust the glove. See what I mean?

 

No is not. If you behave as a real man she is not going to need that. She is going to trust your masculine core and feel safe by your side.

Yes you do, and I'm sure that you apologise about it and you are working to be a better man. But that's in the past, she made the desition to forgive you and trust you. So is your job to be the best you can be and her's is to trust that you are doing it and don't bring drama about it.

No you didn't, is her problem. She decided to trust you after you deceived her but she is having a hard time doing it, is her problem to get over it. You only need to work on yourself, but she need to work on overcoming those issues.

Something that you did in her dreams! You have nothing to do with it, you are guilty of the past but not of that. She needs to get over it, you are not giving any reason to doubt of your word rigth now. If you keep enabeling this drama she is bringing she is going to keep bringing them up. She need to start to really trust you, if not then a relationship is not posible without trust.

You google it... read them and you will figure out that is nothing like you talk about. All those book talk about becoming a real man, how to understand woman and how to interact with them. They are not pick-up book at all, they don't talk about cheating, been untrustworthy or nothing like that. Read them and then maybe you can tell me that you don't agree with them.

 

You are twisting things. He need to work on hymself to never hurt her again. That's the only thing he needs to do to gain her trust again. she need to work on trust him again because she decided to stick with him after everything he did. If she is having a bad time trusting him is not his problem, he is doing everything rigth, he is keeping his word of becoming a better man. He is not responsable that she is not doing well with trusting him, it's her problem. He need to have the posture, "I love you, I adore you and I want to be a better man that's why I'm clean for the last X months so you don't have anything to worry about. But if you keep fearfull is a sing that you don't really trust me and trust is vital in a relationship, so or you trust me like you said you were going to do or we should break this up and we can get together when you are ready to trust me again". You give her the option to trust you or leave. But no more bringing drama about something that happened X months ago. If you keep letting her bring that drama in your life, she is going to keep bringin it.

She made the choice of forgiving him and trust him that he will never hurt her again. He did what he said he will do, but still she is bringing up this drama in the relationship, not because something he do, just because something she dream about.

Of course is not, it's going to take time. But he shows that he is doing what he say he is going to do but she is struggling in trusting him, you can blame yourself for the past but is her problem if she is having trust issues in the present, she said she is going to try and trust him but she is incapable of doing so. A couple cannot work without trust, how more many months/years is she going to bring this drama until she get over it? I wouldn't put up with it any longer, i can take responsability for my actions but will never tollarate that someone keep reminding me what I did in the past and keep bringing drama about it. Or she is in or out, but dealing with someone that is constantly bringing this up and not trusting you is really bad for you to get over that bad behaviour you had and are working to get over it.

Again, enable that behaviour from her part... and she is going to keep bringing it up.

 

You keep bringing up the word “drama.” What a crapass way to describe our behaviors resulting from our whole world being shattered.

Most people took the vows for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Your thought process is extremely skewed if you think the woman who is deciding to stay through infidelity & addiction should be left because it is taking time to heal from the trauma caused by the infidelity & addiction itself! It’s not our choice that our minds keep musing over this stuff. I would give anything to just let this all go and move forward. It’s painful, it’s tiring, it’s consuming, my body physically aches sometimes... it’s life changing for us. The very least our husbands can do is love, comfort, reassure and stick by our side as we have chosen to stick by theirs. Taking the steps to quit and move forward is a given and the bare minimum.

I’m very fortunate my husband doesn’t have your mentality in regards to this issue, it makes me sad you honestly are viewing our pain & hurt as “drama.”

I’m also reading Worthy of her Trust and in my opinion, it’s a must read for someone taking your type of stance. Please give it a try!

 

She chose to stay, yes. But he also chose to stay. By him choosing to stay, he is also choosing to accept responsibility for his actions. Part of that responsibility is reassurance of his commitment to change. Just because it happened in the past, doesn't mean his wife, in the present, has an obligation to trust him. He has an obligation to establish the trust that he broke with his actions.
If you read his original post, he was asking for advice on how to comfort her. You've not offered any advice. You've only offered criticism. That is very unproductive for healing on either part. Maybe take a step back and TRY to understand what PTSD looks like, because that is what us SO's experience through betrayal trauma. It is trauma, not drama, that keeps her anchored to the past.
You offer "advice" on how to be a "real man" in a relationship while simultaneously ignoring and arguing what the women are saying. You've pretty much made your side of the argument null. Being a real man means taking care of your family in every way possible. To say he should leave or she should leave is a cowards way out. That sounds like something someone who has no understanding or control over their own emotions would do.
This man is taking responsibility for the hurt he has caused to his wife and doing what he can to help heal the marriage. That is what responsibility looks like.

 

@p1n1983 I hope this isn’t coming across as if you’re being ganged up on. I just think this is very vulnerable subject matter and your words feel as though they’re an attack on those of us betrayed.

 

No is not, taking responsability for you actions is aknoledge them, ask for forgivnes and work on yourself to be a better man if you want to do it.

Yes I am, he is really having a bad time with her wife. he did nothing in the present but he is still paying for the past. My advice is to not let her keep bringing drama in the relationship from something in the past.

Yes it is, but at the same time is to take care of yourself first. If someone in your family is bringing drama to your life you need to stand for what you want and don't let them do it.

No, it is call standing up for what you want. If someone is giving you less than what you spect from them you should tell them that, if they still don't give you what you want the best course of action is to walk away. People that is coward don't stand for himselfs and keep spending time with people that bring drama to their lifes.

Exactly the opposite, a rational male/woman will walk away from people that treat them wrong. Someone with no control will stick with them because of the emotional bond and keep tolarating all that drama and abuse.

He is responsable for making him a better man and not hurt her again. She need to work on her things. If both succed then the marriage will improve. The only way she is going to trust him if is he start acting like a man worth of her woman's trust. Acting weak and putting up with the crap her woman is bringing is weak in her ayes and is not going to make her really trust him.

Making a scene from something that happened in her dream is bringing drama and he is not handling them well.

No is not. His only responsability is to ask for forgivness and work on hymself. You never have any responsability on someone elses stuff. That's approval seeking behavioir and that weak.

We are not going to agree on this one, I tryed to help from what I can see from my perspective.
When you ask for help accept the fact that everyone have different points of view and probably you are not going to like a lot of them. Take what you want and test and see if it works. At the end of the day is your life, good luck!

 

@MountainInMyWay this is a great example of the article @hope4healing posted yesterday. P1n1983 states here that "the only way for her to trust him is to start acting like a man worthy of her trust. Acting weak and putting up with the crap his women is bringing is weak in her eyes and not going to make her trust him"
This is an example of Theory of Mind, or lack of it, rather. Even though several women on here have said that they dont see a man taking responsibility for his actions as weak, and actually see that quality as being one a "real man" would do, he is still unable to see our perspective and instead, asserts his own as truth. If he were in a relationship, chances are he would lie his way out of any confrontation, and justify it with "she's not fulfiling my expectations on how I feel a woman should respond based on biased books I've read, therefore, I have to worry about taking care of only myself".
This also shows deficits in executive function because he is incapable of integration of new information, incapable of reasoning, and lacks inhibition of expression. He sees his truth as the only truth, and would more than likely lie his way out of trouble rather than use reasoning skills to get better. So the question that remains is; was he a narcissist prior to the addiction, or did the addiction create these narcissistic traits?
Either way, he appears to lack empathy of any sort. This could be due to protective barriers from his own trauma that he experienced or his own lack of secure attachment to a parental figure. Regardless, he really needs therapy to work out his own issues, which hopefully he gets because he will never be able to have a fulfilling relationship otherwise.
Sorry for hijacking your thread @Trobone.