Trying to gain back my SOs trust

That's awesome to hear. I hope that we can keep that kind of relationship as they grow up, I dread to think that they stop wanting to share things with us, but I guess that they won't want to share everything eventually, though we can help them want to share more by developing that open and honest relationship now when they are young.

The problem is always that your instinct sometimes, when you are tired and you want to switch off, is to avoid hard conversations. I think that there probably is something there that I have to work on generally in life though.

Thanks for sharing your story in this @Psalm27:1my light, it's inspiring, and definitely food for thought.

 

I do totally agree, and is something that Tan and I definitely need to work at.

When I was younger, we used to discuss all kinds of things at the dinner table, we could talk about anything (which means I don't have any boundaries when it comes to table talk...)

 

Last night wasnt too bad, though we had an awful night's sleep as the little one was restless for a lot of the night, meaning that we are both pretty tired today.

Work is going well though and I've been working on some new stuff this morning along with training of one of my colleagues.

Next week is Tans birthday, so I've got a long weekend from work, looking forward to a lie in...

 

Day 977

This long weekend has been great. Tan enjoyed her birthday despite not going out. We had an Italian takeaway from a local restaurant, and enjoyed a peaceful evening together. And to top it all off, I got her some shoe laces as a gift (the only one that she didn't bloody guess by shaking and feeling...)

We also had a little drink together on the evening, which made Tan a little ill... Yesterday though, Tan walked into a door frame and we think she broke her toe, so not so great.

We also spent most of yesterday morning phoning different agencies to try and get my Auntie some carer help. My uncle had a severe stroke last week and is in hospital still, however he was my aunties carer meaning she has to rely on family members traveling miles to help out, but getting care in place isn't as simple as it should be, even though Tan is a district nurse herself, a different region has different systems in place, so it's not straight forward...

Today, back at work, is going well. This afternoon I've got some more training and this morning hasn't been too busy, so its been a good day so far,though I'm brewing a headache as we speak, so it might not be as nice an afternoon as I hope...

 

Day 979.

So, despite having a baby, and it getting close to Christmas, we have made the decision to commence work on the house again. This time it's a bit smaller than an extension, but it could still be messy as it involves the chimney breast in the living room.

The plan is to remove the old gas fire (which has never been used while weve lived there, and can't be used now as the chimney above the ground floor no longer exists) and open up and box out a section to use as storage for TV boxes and sound systems etc, and move the TV to that wall, making more usable space in the room. We just hope it doesn't look rubbish when we have finished...

Yesterday was stressful and very busy, and the hangover from that has been sorted this morning, along with a load more work that came in. I think I've caught up though so hopefully can finish tonight relaxed.

Everything has been pretty good at home, and the little one has started some medication for reflux meaning he generally seems more chilled out which is nice. I do think though, that he isn't really much trouble anyway, we have noticed that going from 1 kid to 2 was a much harder leap than going from 2 to 3. Fingers crossed it stays like that!

 

Our two eldest are girls and both like to help (most of the time), though sometimes that help isn't all that helpful, but it's awesome that they try. They do both love the little one to bits though, regularly vying to get kisses and cuddles.

Tan is adamant that 3 is the limit though, so there will be no 3 to 4 leap for us!

 

Day 938.

Today is going well, and work has been pretty good the past couple of days. I have been starting to screen slides down the microscope and writing reports on the form for consultants to check and give feedback, and it's going well, and really encouraging (I know, you probably switched off reading that..)

We did manage to get a bulk of the work done towards opening up the fireplace at the weekend, and will have it finished in the next couple of weeks, plastering, and papering and new Tv up on the wall.

That means that this weekend we will be doing much the same, working on finishing the building work off, ready for Christmas (whatever that will look like this year...)

 

Yeah I can understand that, it does feel like what we do with the girls is yell half the time to stop fighting etc...

Well at least something good has come of it, even if nothing else

I can also understand that, other than needing more hands and pairs of eyes...

 

Day 985.

Last night was tiring, the little one did not really want to sleep all that much. It took quite a while to get him to sleep, and when he finally was asleep in his bed, he did not stay that way for long. Tan ended up struggling with him for a while before feeding him. Though that didn't make things better, and he ended up in bed with us again, where he slept restlessly until the alarm called for me to rise from the grave...

Today is the busiest day of the week (Thursdays always are) and I'm managing okay, though more sleep would have gone down well. I'm complaining, though Tan is definitely worse off than me. I can't decide if he's any more or less difficult than the girls were or not.

Never mind, it's soon the weekend...

 

Yeah, the past 5 years have gone like a bit of a blur, with an awful lot happening in them, good and bad. We just try to enjoy the good bits when they come along, and I'm certain there will be plenty more of them, seeing the kids grow up, but being deprived of sleep, you don't see things quite the same way... Obviously we wouldn't change things with the kids even a bit.

Last night was a better with the little one, though I'm still feeling particularly tired today, and it's been another busy day so far. Hopefully this afternoon will be a bit calmer and I'll be able to get some other tasks done.

I'm looking forward to this weekend, and hopefully we will make some good progress on the living room project. Tan has spent today working on bits of it, meaning it'll make tomorrow a bit easier.

Fingers crossed for another good night tonight!

 

Day 989.

This weekend has been good, and we managed to get the living room from looking like a bit of a shombolically messy building site, into an almost finished half decent job. I don't know how many times we will have to mop the floor before it's actually clean again though, dust seems to pervade every nook and cranny of the house, but I'm sure we'll get there. I'm impressed though, and it will look great when the finishing touches are done.

I am however knackered again, this morning at work has been difficult, and I've felt completely lethargic, though I've had a good coffee now and I'm starting to feel better (but I reckon I'll be crashing again later in the afternoon...)

We are almost sorted for Christmas as well, which is awesome and takes the pressure off for next month, as we usually end up stressed with last minute purchases and end up getting things for the sake of it, so it's a nice refreshing change.

I'm looking forward to home time now though, as I forsee a busy afternoon of work...

 

Day 993.

This week has been really busy, and has been tackled whilst being incredibly tired.

This isn't so different to usual I guess, but the workload seems to have gone up a level, and the tiredness has been more severe as the little one has not been too happy on a night (though last night was probably one of his best for a while, which is probably why our youngest daughter shouted out in the middle of the night, while still sleeping, that it was "her turn"..., just so we didn't get too good a sleep!)

This weekend we intend to finish the work we have been doing to the living room, so fingers crossed, it will be completely done, and we'll be totally ready for Christmas. Tan and the kids have been putting up the decorations today, so there might only be a few things left to do. Strictly no more house modifications until the new year!

 

Day 998.

We have managed to get the vast majority of the work done in the living room, just the doors to sort out once the materials arrive, but it looks amazing even without them, and frees up tons of space in there. Patching in the wood flooring to match where the hearth had been was the worst, most difficult job, and the one bit that is obvious that was retrofitted, but it still looks great, and was 100% worth it.

The little one has been a nightmare the past couple of nights, which has led to us both being very tired and Tan getting quite frustrated, meaning tensions have been raised at times. Hopefully that settles down again though.

I have also been toying with the idea of starting my MSc (masters degree) in January. I just needed something to fill all the free time that I've got... Basically, there are some more senior roles going to be coming up in the next few months, which I would need a masters or equivalent for, so I was considering plunging into studying. Part time distance learning, which is self directed might be tough though, and will take a lot of effort, but would allow me to progress again. Hopefully it doesn't require me to be awake to complete it...

 

Day 999.

Last night went much better with the little one, though from getting the kids to bed, until going to bed ourselves, I had to walk about holding him, though I'd rather that than him scream through a feed at 2am. From what Tan has told me today though, he might not be so good tonight.

Today is going okay though, although I didn't catch the coffee van. I seem to have started a habit of getting a coffee on my lunch when I walk to my car from a van that drives around past the car park really nice coffee, wakes me up for going back to work, but he is only around for 5 mins, so if I get out a fraction late, I miss him (which is quite often).

This weekend I will try and start doing some more portfolio work, hopefully I will get plenty done as I've done quite a miserable amount so far, especially if I'm going to start a masters in January...

 

Day 1000...

That number looks incredible, and it is, but it doesn't tell the whole story.

I've got to admit, 1000 days ago, I wasn't sure i would get to this point. I didn't know if I would still be with Tan, or living in our house, and our newborn son was the furthest thing from my mind. I wasn't sure we would even have sex again, never mind make a baby...

The number trivialises all of the ups and downs of the journey, and makes it look like its been a breeze (32 pages of this journal tell you it wasnt), and paints a picture of life being perfect and normal again.

The truth is, life wasn't good before this journey. It was comfortable, and familiar, but the secrecy and hiding made things distant, and ruined the connection that Tan and I had. Things aren't perfect now, and communication of feelings etc is still something that needs work, but I believe we are in a much better place now than before (certainly better than 100 days ago).

We have had some dark days. Days of crying. Days where I had to finish work early because I couldn't cope anymore. Days going round in circles. Days when I could have given up on life.

But those days are seen now in the rear view mirror. Not forgotten, but used to remember how bad things were, and to remind me not to let things be like that again. Our darkest moments shouldn't be forgotten, but used to make a better future.