RANT- How I fucked up after being on a roll for 29 weeks

29 weeks. I was on a fucking roll and thought I was invincible and would never go back to fapping again.

And then, I tried to get back into gaming. I FUCKING FUCKED UP. I forgot what gaming did to my brain. I feel like it all started there. Weekend 1 of gaming I was hooked to my computer for long hours until 2 AM on both days with that good good dopamine. Week 2, I couldn't wait for the weekend. Played a bit here and there, stopped on Wednesday and was hooked again when the weekend came in.

Then came in the end of 29th week. I FUCKKKKKKKKKKED UP.

Until this point, I used to be hitting the gym or working out from home thanks to covid. Still on quits from Netflix and instagram since 14 and 9 weeks respectively. I would sleep it off if I was extremely lonely. Yes, I admit I used to peek in here and there on reddit (love you reddit for helping me find r/nofap but FUCKING FUCK YOU for all the other shit that you have which is so easy to access) but never on a porn website, and never ejaculated.

By the end of the second week of gaming, I can conclude my brain was hooked to those high levels of dopamine, especially after all that I had been doing to detox myself from it. I uninstalled all the games to keep myself sane.

This year alone, I've had more than 400 cold showers (twice on some days), usually clean diet, picked up some other good habits too and broke some bad ones as well. I never drink, never smoke, drugs, hookers, strippers etc. I was living the life of a straight-edge minus the promiscuity, or even sex with a single person. Just quite a bit flirting around.

And then came in Wednesday after finishing 29 weeks (I tracked on Tuesdays). I thought I'd peek at a porn site for a change. I've had blockers setup so the most famous porn site (you know which) wouldn't open. So I googled another one, and boy did my brain get hit by a truck? I just could not stop myself. After being strong for so long, I just completely lost the desire to stay strong????? Ignoring the 3-4 nightfalls I've had over the course of 29 weeks, I jerked off for the first time. At first I thought it was ok because I was literally horny all the time due to my leg workouts and decided not to beat myself up. This was a week ago. I still have my log entry from 8th December:
20201208 Tuesday: 29 weeks MO free. 13 weeks Netflix free. 8 weeks Instagram free.

And by now, I have probably fapped for 6 times in total in one. Fucking. Week. 6 fucking times. 1 FUCKING week. Twice today before deciding enough is enough. I considered people who watched porn and jerked off during those 29 weeks as losers. Guess what am I now? A FUCKING LOSER. Do not even feed me that bullshit that I am not. I was not for 29 weeks. My longest streak prior to this was 3 months with no peeking or porn (except literally that one time) so that was actual hard-mode. I am a loser now.

This is my confession. I used to think of myself as someone who could help people fight this curse. I'm 27 years old, decent career, decent looking fella who has had a low-fair amount of success with women. Due to intimacy issues after my last breakup + complicated past/family problems, I've sorta given up on relationships—and perhaps this is what's keeping me from finding a reason to be that strong again, if not stronger. I genuinely don't think that I'm ever gonna want to be in a relationship again, but I still need a reason to fight off this addiction. I need to be able to respect myself again.

Edit: My tracker displays wrong information.

 

Thanks, this brought me some peace!

 

Thanks!

Thanks for the reply, and sorry for the misleading information. I've bought the freedom app's lifetime subscription and blocked the adult sites category. To my surprise, there's WAY more porn sites now then there were an year ago, and I credit covid for that. I don't think a single business alone can keep track of all the websites.

Just today itself I've switched over to cleanbrowsing.org's DNS service. I hope that helps keep this disease contaminated.