What questions would you ask your PA partner

Hi,
I have a journal on another thread, but I'd like to post this question here to get some ideas and perspective.
My back story in short. Been together 6.5 years, married 3. First dday was 1.5 years into the relationship when our son was 2 months old, when I found pages and pages of messages sent to escorts, and appointments booked (never went ahead, was just a fantasy). Since then has been about 13/14 ddays exposing lies and hiding, of which only one was confessed by him.

We are in therapy yet again (both individually), and his therapist has given us 4 actions to do:
1. Me to write down all the questions I'd like answers to
2. Husband to write down all the answers to my questions
3. Husband will go through all the answers with his therapist
4. Me and husband will meet the therapist to go through the answers

This is not a full disclosure, but maybe something that will give me some clarity until I wait for the full disclosure.
We did one full disclosure with a therapist last October, when we were at the verge of separating and I demanded the full disclosure in order to move forward with our marriage. It was a relief that nothing physical had happened apart from a kiss at a club. But visiting dating, casual encounter,and escort sites makes me feel very unease. I expressed my pain. And said I need a relapse to be reported within 24 hours and honesty. Neither of which I now realise I received. So where do we go from here?

I have some questions I know I'd like to ask, but I just don't want to miss this opportunity to ask some very important ones, which I may have not even thought of..

Thank you for reading

 

That exact question is indeed on my list. What is different at the moment is that we wrote and signed a "contract" of boundaries, ie no staying up late alone with his phone, disclosing relapses, honesty etc. Unfortunately I don't see any reading, limiting gaming on his phone, looking up meetings etc.

I don't have high hopes for his recovery

 

We were nearly separated, spent 4 months apart and I was serious about starting a life as a single mother, I gave him his last chance. But that didn't work as I still found escort messages sent and received during the time of separation when he was supposed to step up and work on his recovery.
So yeah Don't really know what else to do, as now we have a house and a baby on the way (I believed he was in recovery so went ahead with everything) So I am very much stuck here...

 

Psalm27:1my light
Thank you for replying. It has taken me a while to come back here, I've kept my distance from nofap as it was too triggering. I understand that past is the past, I've made mistakes and he's made mistakes. But the questing is the about the present and the future. My bottom line is no contacting escorts or other women, not to mention physical relations. I m gathering the courage to ask him if he is willing to take a polygraph anytime I ask. We have a disclosure meeting with his therapist tonight and will ask then. I did compose a list of questions. but as you said, what matters is how things will change from now on.

stegiss
I appreciate your opinion. The changes he has made so far is daily run at lunch time (instead of watching P or doing what ever when I'm out). He has started to eat healthy and loosing weight. He writes to his AP daily. He does daily check ins (although they still aren't as thorough as I'd like them to be), he has taken some time on weekends to read his book ie work on his recovery. He has regular therapy every other week. He leaves his phone in my bedroom every night (currently we sleep separately due to his sleep apnea). He looks away if there's a sexual scene on TV.


So we are having the long awaited talk tonight with the support of his therapist. We will both disclose. My only concern is will he actually disclose everything. All I can do is be 100 percent honest with him, and hope he is the same with me. At least I know my conscious will be clean and I can be the best version of myself. His choices are his.

 

I haven’t been in nofap for a while, as had our second child 6 weeks ago.
To answer Reverent, yes I got all the answers to my questions and it did help restore the relationship, alongside with his therapy sessions every two weeks. So the trust was beginning to slowly restore. Hence I didn’t feel the need to come to nofap. But of course now I’m here yet again. He is not telling me the truth again. I understand that he will never change and the battle with porn will never be defeated. That is something I have to live with I guess. I have a newborn and a 5 year old and I’ll focused on them instead. I appreciate all the support and the reality checks I get from this forum. I may keep coming back here for understanding...

 

thank you for this, wish I’d read it before the disclosure but quite a few questions that I had were outlined there. I probably won’t do another disclose as I just don’t see the point of it anymore. There is no clean slate with an addict, he’ll just keep lying and hiding sooner or later (in my husbands case) *sigh