1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

I just can't get into the 12-step meetings

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by overcomingthis, Dec 10, 2020.

  1. overcomingthis

    overcomingthis Fapstronaut

    6
    6
    3
    First post here.

    I've been seeing a therapist for about a year to try and overcome my addiction to porn and masturbation. His primary recommendation is to go to 12 step meetings, meet with a sponsor, etc.

    I go about once or twice a month but don't feel like it's rewarding. It seems like everyone is so far along in recovery and talks about how they've turned over a new leaf. When I hear this stuff, it almost makes me feel worse because I haven't made any real progress.

    Another part is the religious element. While I appreciate that connecting with a "higher power" has helped many people, I just can't relate. I'm an atheist and don't think I'll ever believe in god. This also makes me feel disconnected from the group.

    Does anyone have the same problem or advice for someone in my position?
     
    Boogieman85 likes this.
  2. TS_7

    TS_7 Fapstronaut

    31
    17
    8
    Well, you don't know if you will not believe in God.
    And if you did, it would be a gigantic help in the addiction and that might
    be one reason why it's a bigger issue for you.
    Conversions happen at different ages. And sometimes simply it wasn't the time for you yet.
    Frequently it is so, that you just didn't find the right arguments to convince you.
    Or someone sold you some arguments against that convinced you against, but they are refutable.
    Many people even if they might have faith, they are unable to convince at least some types of people,
    cause they don't know what arguments to use or how to refute the arguments against.
    That may be especially so for people who have never been atheist/agnostic
    and might have trouble relating or understanding how it is.

    Besides I would like to advise you to not be overly trusting in psychologists and psychiatrists.
    Sometimes in worse cases they can do you harm... so just don't give yourself in to their hands
    like sheep for slaughter with no criticism treating them as "demi-gods" who say only the truth
    and always know what's best for you. It is not so. And you can waste many years of your life
    if you depend on them too much. Consider everything they say with scepticism.
     
  3. FoundTheFreedom

    FoundTheFreedom Fapstronaut

    346
    298
    63
    I've never tried using a 12 step program. I doubt I could be comfortable there. As for being an atheist, that is your decision. I don't include religion in my nofap program. I"m Jewish but way behind in learning all the aspects of it. I went to Catholic grammar and high school. I don't really identify with Catholicism. I'm not an atheist. I'm forging my own path in Judaism. A person's religious journey is individual for each person. No, I'm doing my nofap journey on my own sense of right and wrong. Anything that harms me is wrong. I am thoroughly disgusted by porn after hearing all the crime that happens behind the scenes. That motivates me to never look at porn again. I've been at this for more than 40 days. I started to relax recently and found my thoughts going back to porn and fapping. I didn't do it but just having the urge upset me. I keep busy with other things. My father's recent passing of COVID hasn't helped my journey. Stressors will increase urges. I take it one day at a time and keep telling myself that for that one day, I can and will stay away from porn and fapping. For me, going no PMO meant taking action before I started by removing porn as far from me as I can. That told my brain I was serious about this journey. I put an anti-porn add-in to my browser and adding an anti-porn app on my phone. The only direction I'll accept in my journey is straight forward. No looking back. I hope your journey won't be too difficult.
     
    Strifton likes this.
  4. TS_7

    TS_7 Fapstronaut

    31
    17
    8
    Sorry for your loss, hope God will ease your pain soon.

    If you are for Judaism, here you go for some inspiration:
    Proverbs 6
    20 My son, keep your father’s command
    and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
    21 Bind them always on your heart;
    fasten them around your neck.
    22 When you walk, they will guide you;
    when you sleep, they will watch over you;
    when you awake, they will speak to you.
    23 For this command is a lamp,
    this teaching is a light,
    and correction and instruction
    are the way to life,
    24 keeping you from your neighbor’s wife,
    from the smooth talk of a wayward woman.

    25 Do not lust in your heart after her beauty
    or let her captivate you with her eyes.

    26 For a prostitute can be had for a loaf of bread,
    but another man’s wife preys on your very life.
    27 Can a man scoop fire into his lap
    without his clothes being burned?
    28 Can a man walk on hot coals
    without his feet being scorched?
    29 So is he who sleeps with another man’s wife;
    no one who touches her will go unpunished.

    30 People do not despise a thief if he steals
    to satisfy his hunger when he is starving.
    31 Yet if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold,
    though it costs him all the wealth of his house.
    32 But a man who commits adultery has no sense;
    whoever does so destroys himself.
    33 Blows and disgrace are his lot,
    and his shame will never be wiped away.
    34 For jealousy arouses a husband’s fury,
    and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge.
    35 He will not accept any compensation;
    he will refuse a bribe, however great it is.

    Proverbs 7
    7 My son, keep my words
    and store up my commands within you.
    2 Keep my commands and you will live;
    guard my teachings as the apple of your eye.
    3 Bind them on your fingers;
    write them on the tablet of your heart.
    4 Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,”
    and to insight, “You are my relative.”
    5 They will keep you from the adulterous woman,
    from the wayward woman with her seductive words.

    6 At the window of my house
    I looked down through the lattice.
    7 I saw among the simple,
    I noticed among the young men,
    a youth who had no sense.
    8 He was going down the street near her corner,
    walking along in the direction of her house
    9 at twilight, as the day was fading,
    as the dark of night set in.

    10 Then out came a woman to meet him,
    dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent.
    11 (She is unruly and defiant,
    her feet never stay at home;
    12 now in the street, now in the squares,
    at every corner she lurks.)
    13 She took hold of him and kissed him
    and with a brazen face she said:

    14 “Today I fulfilled my vows,
    and I have food from my fellowship offering at home.
    15 So I came out to meet you;
    I looked for you and have found you!
    16 I have covered my bed
    with colored linens from Egypt.
    17 I have perfumed my bed
    with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon.
    18 Come, let’s drink deeply of love till morning;
    let’s enjoy ourselves with love!
    19 My husband is not at home;
    he has gone on a long journey.
    20 He took his purse filled with money
    and will not be home till full moon.”

    21 With persuasive words she led him astray;
    she seduced him with her smooth talk.
    22 All at once he followed her
    like an ox going to the slaughter,
    like a deer stepping into a noose
    23 till an arrow pierces his liver,
    like a bird darting into a snare,
    little knowing it will cost him his life.
    24 Now then, my sons, listen to me;
    pay attention to what I say.
    25 Do not let your heart turn to her ways
    or stray into her paths.
    26 Many are the victims she has brought down;
    her slain are a mighty throng.
    27 Her house is a highway to the grave,
    leading down to the chambers of death.
     
  5.  
  6. Hey brother, 2 things that have been monumental for me are these:
    1- I realized that I was using PMO to validate my masculinity due to an abuse situation that happened when I was between the ages of 3 to 5, when I fully accepted that I didn't need that for validation, the drive behind the addiction/compulsion ran out of gas.
    2- There is a website called recovery nation that has a free 90 program that you can go through, its a health focus program as opposed to a sickness focus. Its very comprehensive and if you can commit to it, you will see a difference in your life. You can sign up for a fee to be followed by coaches if you so wish and its not super expensive.
    Also, there is a kid named *** on utube that has these 15 min vids that I like to watch, kinda hits you where you need it. I'm new to the site, but not to the fight, you can do this!
    43 days clean and its starting to feel like a new normal.
    Make life your bitch!
     
    wicket and Chrispl like this.
  7. Chrispl

    Chrispl Fapstronaut

    59
    27
    18
    I would like to chat with You on Messenger or whatsapp for example.
    Then I would explain to You, how could You apply the 12 step program, so it could be fitting You.
    Let me know, if You're interested
     
  8. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

    187
    406
    63
    Maybe that specific 12 step group isn't for you. For example I hear that SA is a little more strict than I need. For me SAA works great with me.
    I felt the same way when I first started going almost two years ago. Everyone was so much older than me, and more into recovery. But for me that was the first time I felt I can say what I thought I could never tell anyone. And I didn't feel judged by it.
    Now, I'm a member that continues to take on the responsibility of chairperson , and I've been lucky enough to see many other new people come in since me.
    Higher power doesn't have to be about "god" it can be whatever you want to believe that helps you.
     
    Indurian and Gef.71 like this.
  9. Chrispl

    Chrispl Fapstronaut

    59
    27
    18
    Exactly, it's all fluid.
    Just need to accept that there is something more, that can help You in Your recovery journey
     
    Gef.71 likes this.
  10. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

    187
    406
    63
    Higher power can be just something as simple as the feeling of support and non-judgenent you can feel in a 12 step group.
     
    Gef.71 likes this.
  11. juggler123

    juggler123 Fapstronaut

    27
    14
    3
    I'm an atheist as well and the 12 step program did not work for me at all. I went to a lot of meetings. Then stopped for a while because it isn't a good fit for me at all. I went back and stopped about 3 times over 10 years. 12 steps don't work for everyone, and it's really hard for an atheist because it's very religious centric. I think your therapist should have other recommendations for you. There's better treatment for addiction than the 12 steps and he should be working with you on that treatment. Eventually, I gave up on 12 steps entirely as I found no benefit of attending meetings, or the steps themselves.
     
  12. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

    576
    938
    93
    I'm jewish and do SAA. The higher power thing isn't christian really, but it is something a struggle with because I've always struggled with faith. The good part is it forced me to ask questions about why and how and think it through instead of just brushing it off.
     
  13. wuxor

    wuxor Fapstronaut

    52
    87
    18
    I started reading a 12-step addiction recovery book that was reworded to remove references to stuff like religion and god and be more about the process in general, but I gave up after a few chapters. It was hard to get into, maybe at a later time I should try again. I think the real benefits from the 12-step program comes from the interaction with others that struggles with the same addiction, so in my case reading a book about it is not so useful. We would need a atheism/agnostic support group or just something not related to religion.
     
    juggler123 likes this.
  14. Chrispl

    Chrispl Fapstronaut

    59
    27
    18
    This may sound weird or interesting to You, but I don't think that faith is inclusively related and connected to religion.
    I think agnostics and atheists can find faith relatable, if they consider faith as a process of autosuggestion/affirmation
     
    Chefb87 likes this.
  15. wuxor

    wuxor Fapstronaut

    52
    87
    18
    I do agree. Religion, faith, god, etc. can all be separate things for one person. And looking at faith specifically, I would be curious to know how an atheist successfully followed a 12-step program. Cause it is interesting to see the mindset.
     
    Chrispl and Gef.71 like this.
  16. Chrispl

    Chrispl Fapstronaut

    59
    27
    18
    If You're interested, then You can follow my path through this program.
    I'm a pantheist, so my worldview is not religious.
     
    Gef.71 likes this.
  17. Chrispl

    Chrispl Fapstronaut

    59
    27
    18
    Woah, a lot of into.
    Thanks a lot
    I'll look up to all of this, once I have more free time.
     
  18. wuxor

    wuxor Fapstronaut

    52
    87
    18
    Thank you @Gef.71 for sharing your perspective. The higher power / spiritual part is hard to grasp for some people, like me.

    I will keep an eye out for your posts on this forum. Maybe I will try again the 12 steps, but one thing for sure it is not the time to do it in person.
     
    Chrispl likes this.
  19. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    I wasn't a big fan of them either. Don't get me wrong, I am glad they exist for the people who need them. But I found it awkward and unhelpful. Just find your path forward and take it. If you need a new therapist then find one. Or maybe just explain to him why you don't like them.
     
  20. Chrispl

    Chrispl Fapstronaut

    59
    27
    18
    I wasn't a big fan as well. I thought if it has anything to do with God, then there's no point for me to try, because that kind of reference seemed silly to me.
    Though I came to conclusion, that if I'm trying whatever might work, then I may as well try this program, since there's not much to lose, but everything to win
     
    TimeToQuitNow and Gef.71 like this.

Share This Page