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Loneliness In My Relationship

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by NaturalPornKiller, Dec 8, 2020.

  1. NaturalPornKiller

    NaturalPornKiller Fapstronaut

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    So I've been in a relationship with my SO for almost 5 years which has transformed into a pseudo-relationship. What I mean by this is that it's been in steady decline for the past couple years due to; you're gonna love this -porn addiction. Who'd have thought right? Well as I said it's been in "steady decline" meaning we're not spending the quality time together as much like we used to, we don't make love anymore and she has become somewhat cold.
    We live together and occasionally from time to time we will have sex, but it's not much compared to how it used to be. I know this is common in longer term relationships, but we both engaged in intercourse quite frequently so I know we were still quite attracted to one another. As I mentioned my addiction has tarnished our relationship as a whole including the way we interact which of course includes sexually.
    I know I still love her, but she doesn't express much affection to me lately. I try to and want to express my affection towards her but my fear of being aggressively rejected has a great degree of influence in that regard and therefore prevents me from doing so. In fact that very presence of vulnerability is something I struggle with in general. I know vulnerability is an important component of intimacy, but it never seemed to be much a factor or problem (not noticably anyways) in our relationship.
    So my difficulty in expressing vulnerability has proven to be a problem now presently. Being that I am still attracted to her and living in the same space as her while she is not so engaged, is difficult because I, on the other hand am very much so into her. This is frustrating because I can't do anything about it since she is not very receptive yet she is fine with living together in close physical proximity. As I mentioned before we do still have random sex every now and then and I am powerless as far as being the one to engage it. I much so long for the deeper meaningful act of making love which is such a mutually powerful experience that I seriously lament now that it is absent.

    She has expressed that we might resume a relationship but she is just not very hopeful because of the abrasive interactions we have had with increased frequency over time. These instances serve as a trigger for me to isolate and act out because i feel so defenseless in any dispute because of my addiction which in turn raises my defenses. I don't feel like I have much validity in them either due to the things I've done and caused between us as well as feeling I deserve such treatment because of it. She often says that I'm protecting my addiction because of my defensiveness, but I'm just protecting myself because I have nothing else to show for it. My feelings seem to be useless or pointless because how am I supposed to feel anything if they are disregarded and almost rightly so?

    I'm not sure what to do and felt that I just had to express myself somehow and this forum seemed like the most appropriate place to do it. If anyone has advice or can share any similar experiences please do not hesitate in doing so.

    Thank you
     
  2. GaiaFronds

    GaiaFronds Fapstronaut

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    I would cut backon the amount of porn addiction to better the relationship, might be affecting it more than you realize. Just a thought.
    I also always thought being in a relationship would decrease tendency for porn addiction.....

    Like most who porn addict are single and cant get laid idk
     
  3. NaturalPornKiller

    NaturalPornKiller Fapstronaut

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    I happen to be a sex addict. No matter what the circumstances are, I seem to lack the presence of mind to consider that my actions hurt more than the perceived pleasure of acting them out...it doesn't leave me feeling so great, but im not sure how it can hurt so much. I'm not getting kicks out of fucking with my SOs feelings but whenever I have acted out she says that it was out of spite. Disregard perhaps but spite? I'm not maliciously trying to break her down or exact revenge on her, I just want to go off sometimes and do something to feel a tad less overwhelmed. If I'm trying to get away with something (undetected porn-browsing) aside her knowledge, then how would this spite or malice be transferred? Does she think I do that shit with intention to harm her? Definitely, but there have been times I've tried to avoid her and she'll run right into it claiming that I'm acting out of spite. Maybe out of cowardice but i do not desire to hurt her by any of it.

    I fully believe that porn is something I have a problem with but I don't want to give it so much power over me or my relationship. Maybe I am minimizing but I do not prefer it to my SO by a wide degree. Its often too easy though because porn doesnt get angry, it doesnt attack you. But it doesn't give a shit either way. She on the other hand actually has feelings though. Shes actually there with me not on some fucking screen and my actions are hurting her no matter where my intentions lie. Yet here I am destroying everything between us that actually matters. Wow what a fucked up way to show you care ya know? Backwards as fuck too...I really hate this shit
     
  4. Are you sure she's not with some other guy? Because that's what generally happens.
     
  5. ruso

    ruso Fapstronaut

    I can relate to the lack of intamacy that naturally occurs when the initial spark of the relationship wears off, and things become routine. Not watching porn has reignited that spark, by being more present with my girlfriend in the good times and shitty times. Its also made me de-prioritize sex a bit, which is a great way to just have a more fulfilling life over all. Every time you watch Porn you are in the simplest of terms thinking of sex, then watching sex. So sex sex sex is all your mind will think about, fueling these thoughts that happen anyway without porn.

    It looks like you want to tackle more than one thing at a time. I would say choose 1. If it’s being more open and vulnerable do that. Quitting porn will greatly help with this, and I recommend it so that you have a goal which you can control, and de-prioritize sex.
     
  6. bama_lost

    bama_lost Fapstronaut

    I may be fairly new in learning some of the science behind all this, but it's pretty evident that if you're addicted to porn or sex or masturbating or any combination of those - then it will cause problems. As long as the addiction is in control there will be no possibility of having real, honest intimate relations with a partner. I'm in a situation where I have a very long-term partner and we're at the point where my problem with addiction and the deceit around it has taken away any intimate relations at all. Now, I recognize I've got to get the addiction under control, before I can even begin to repair those relations with my partner.
     
  7. Has something serious happened between you two to trigger the coldness of your gf?
    Seriously man from all the things you write you seem to be locked inside your head. The problem you have is with her and you keep thinking only of yourself. So man up and ask her what is wrong and why she's acting cold. Persist on a clear answer. Persist on getting to know exactly what her real problem is. If you get no clear answer and she's evasive about it you should seriously think that maybe she's seeing someone else. Because this is one of the things that women lie about and often try to put the blame on you.
     
  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    You guys seem to have very little understanding of what your porn addiction does to the woman that you claim to love.
    It sounds like she has detached. This is something a spouse/so must do if she stays with an addict who continues to act out. I was this way for 17 years. I was not cheating, omg, I will never be with another man. I loved my husband but it was clear in every aspect of our life that he chose his addiction. Understand this, while you are actively acting out in your addiction it has consequences that you do not see. You are selfish. You are defensive. You blame her. You feel ashamed so you justify your actions in any way possible.
    Examples, when my husband is acting out he doesn’t listen. He doesn’t help with anything around the house. Nothing. The tiniest things I asked ie:could u rinse off your plate after using. Nope. Could you take off your shoes before coming in the house? Nope. Could you hang up your clothes. We have 3 kids, 40 acres, horses/dogs/cats/chickens/ and he did nothing. Now, in recovery he weedeats, does dishes, chops wood. He helps. If you had asked him while in addiction if he helped around the house he would’ve adamantly said yes. Now, two years clean, he’s ashamed and regrets the man he was. He looks back and cannot understand how he thought the way he thought. With every change he has made, I’ve changed. I used to tell him I didn’t want to hold his hand, didn’t want to kiss, hated him hugging me. Now, we hug, kiss, I curl up on his chest at night. It doesn’t happen over night. We are 2 years into trying to repair 30 years of damage. You cannot repair your relationship while pmo is a part of your life. Until you are at least 6 months clean you won’t see many changes. I’m seeing more changes now than the first 4 months of recovery. It’s constantly changing as he gets further into recovery. Everything has changed. 30% of spouses of porn addicts end up cheating, that means 70% are still faithful, odds are she’s just completely lost faith in you and detached until she can leave. This is probably your last chance to get clean and fix the relationship. It sounds like she has betrayal trauma as well. Look into that and maybe explore that with her if you wish to keep this relationship.
     
  9. bama_lost

    bama_lost Fapstronaut

    @Psalm27:1my light Everything you wrote above is so helpful to hear. Not even a couple weeks in to my efforts at recovery, and yes I wish I could just snap my finger and make everything okay so that we could return to that affection that I know we have for each other. But, I know it's a long road that I must take to prove that I'm serious. And while I'd like to think I've been pretty good about chores despite the addiction, I know it has affected my motivation in so many other areas. And I'm sure it has affected my perception of how I've treated and respected my wife over the years. Thank you, again, for what you shared.
     
    AngelofDarkness likes this.

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