How to get better

Hi everyone

I am on the journey and this is day 17.
Earlier in a last year I did about 450 day journey. After that I have fapped in the long run maybe 3-5 times without porn. I am a single young men and i have busy life and a lot of work what can cause stress for me sometimes. I think that's why my body ask some natural relaxing. But personally I don't like that. I am trying hard to quit all sexual things out of my life.
At this morning i felt strong urge and it didn't gone away. It was still on in afternoon. But I didn't wanted fap so i took coconut oil to my finger and touched my prostatis with out any porn or women things on my mind. And i relapsed.

I am wondering personally it's good i could relapse without porn or any sexual things on my mind. But I hate it at the same time.
So i want try still hard to forget this forever.
I don't know is it still possible or healthy to stay away from any sexual things. And i am single and if I say true I like to be single.
I am not sure will I set my counter back to zero. My feelings are not absolutely bad because I hadn't any porn or other things on my Mind while I relapsed. It was just like some one was massaging your back and you just laying on the bed with empty mind.

This is really different feeling on my body now than some years ago when I quited the porn and fap and started the 450 day journey.
This journey sure programmed me again but I am not sure is this just natural masturbation and relief urges what I have or are my brains still "broken".
If I speak true I can quite easily be about 20-30 day without relapse but now i am stucked for that and it's quite hard to get longer. Is it possible my brains are gone back to normal or is this something else?

Any suggestion what I Can do and get over by these things?
And good luck for everyone

 

Hi, thanks for your message.
Yes I have very tight control for that. Every time I relapse I am very angry almost two week after that and i propably throw things to the wall and chew my teeths. After that my sexual energy takes a bigger role and my body start saying you must do something for that.
I am a happy and very very energetic but my head is not as clear as it should be and i feel a little bit over energized. Last days it was difficult to sleep.
My sexual energy stay away if I am very angry all the time and hate everything but it is not healthy for mentally for me. And it takes a lot of power to be all the time angry or negative.

Today evening I "soft" relapsed after 23 days. No porn, empty head but just coconut oil.
I was very energetic and motivated before that but my body asked all the time some relax and this happened.
I don't know what to do. Should I set my timer/counter again to the zero. Fucking again. This is maybe third time this shit happens.
I don't know how to get over of that. I want forget my sexuality forever and be so energetic all the time. I am not anymore porn addict and i haven't looked porn in years but my body seems ask sometimes some relaxing (orgasms) .
I don't want orgasm/masturbate is my relaxing method because I loose my powers.
Music is good also and it helps but seems not enough always... I live very healthy and i don't use any drugs, no alcohol, no nicotine, no sugar, no starch, no additives... Only natural and mainly organic food... I think I could fly to the space until I get over of these sexual problems. Haha

 

Thanks again for your reply. I think fap is a problem we should talk more everywhere and find things to eliminate it.
For me personally sexual things makes me sad and feeling empty. After relapse I am so anxioused.
I am so energetic without any orgasm but after orgasm I feel so fucking bad.
Another and last night was from the hell. I've been so energetic so i couldn't go sleep in normal times. I go sleep about at 00pm to 03am.
This time my journey was the same 23 days as last time when I relapsed. I felt my things was too much in orgasm and masturbation things. I wasn't so focused any more. So another evening I masturbated without porn or any things like it. It was fast over. After that I went sleeping but I couldn't sleep. I woke up early because I have many Jobs what to do and i waited also the well driller to come to my garden.
So my total sleep time was only about 3hr.
I feel so fucking shit. I feel also cold chills all the time and more when you move your body. I don't have a fever.
I don't know but sexual things are not for me. They makes me very sick.
Also sexual is for me ugly thing and i think if I would have girl friend I couldn't walk any where with girl because other peoples would think I just have sex with her. So i think it is impossible for me ever have any girl friends because these are too anxied things for me.

In real life I don't have girl friend and i like it. It is okay for me. I am good to be alone and i am okay with me so no problems.
Also i think when I've masturbated or orgasmed other peoples can see it from me. So this is also one thing why i hate sexual so so much.
I get very much power from that because I am on the nofap journey and many guys just masturbate daily.
It is fun they maybe think I am also fapper but in reality I am strictly against it habit.
This is just this fucking cycle. Maybe it is my natural masturbate cycle (1month) But I can't do it any more because masturbate makes me sick.
And this is third time i've relapsed in 3 month about. It is always same day about 25th day. After relapse about one week I feel so sick. Maybe my muscles are a little bit more relaxed but I feel so anxioused in my whole body at the same time and my head is in fog. I don't have so much power and i feel I am loser.
Also after relapse i have nausea, heart is beating too much, my stomach feel ill...
I hate those feelings so much I think I throw my balls soon to the space...

 

Well. I am in deep waters. I am all the day so fucking tired and sad looking. Maybe it is also emotional thing because I scare that I am looking so bad or unhealthy so it happens. Ofcourse my weight is so low. 190cm and 63kg is not healthy. I maybe look too anemic.
All human normally look me to the eye but now they can't look me again or they look me so scared or eyes open with look of what the fuck. I don't know why. It looks like my eyes try to burn or destroy their souls when i look them. Usually my relatives for example my ant say my eyes looks gentle but in last times my ant has said my eyes looks so tired and she scared it. Maybe I look too tired.
I don't have any problems with blood and all tests was perfect. Maybe I have too little social life because I haven't seen any friends for years. It looks like i am living in a bubble with my dad and dogs. Maybe three times in week I see my MOM who lives in different address. My parents are divorced when I was young.
My dad and his sister had a heavy childhood. My dad is had maybe two crazy girl friend whom was narcissist persons. It is hard times for me and i said I will kill me because the house was full of the negative energy and my dad had a sex addict. Sometimes I heard in a night when they had a sex. It made me feel so fucking anxied. Now maybe two years I have lived with my father and dogs without any womens.
My father see sometimes this narcissist girl friend and it makes me sad.
My ant (father Sister) visited many times in a year in us. But one and a half year ago in autumn my ant said truth for her brother what these narcissist girl friend had done mentally for him and for his boy (me).
After that my father started to hate his Sister and almost my dad banned my right to talk with my ant.
Still my father hate her Sister and he look always so bad when I am speaking for phone. I think he scare I speak with her Sister.
I am 21 years old but this is as i am 10 years old. Crazy. I have rights to speak with my relatives. I can do what I want. But it looks like it is hard for my dad to understand.
Easiest way ofcourse will be move away and start my life again but if I left this house it is sure that narcissist girl friend come here and it would Hurt me so fucking much.
The most important thing is separate emotionally from my dad. It looks like sometimes my dad is in my head and it is wrong.
Quite easily my dad also think I am angry if I am truly not. It is always been wrong to show emotions with my dad. And i am sure it is also one of the biggest problems what I've had. Humans just can't always be smiling. Every one have bad days and it is okay for you to shout in your house if it helps you.

Also this is maybe the reason why my sexual is so hard for me. I write more in evening. Thanks if you read it... There is sure the Word mistakes and i am sorry of that.

 

Now i know why i always relapse after 10 or 20 days. I haven't watched any porn but I use too much my phone. I use too much instagram. I need to do something else. Yes, I have a construction industry company and i am innovative every day but still I use too much instagram. I am in carage every day. I am servicing every day my machines and cars. I look only wildlife and nature pictures on instagram because I am also naturephotographer. I also share my work there why it's important to have. But sometimes there is some girls what maybe cause me some triggers. After that often the relapse happens. So my brains are not still healthy. The 400+ days was not just enough.
Today this happened for me last time. I masturbated without porn as every time I have did in 20 days cycle. Today I just said not more. I was so fucking angry after orgasm and i hitted my self to the head. I hate my self. I hate my sexual. I want cut my fucking balls and dig.
The year 2021 will be free from any sexual stuff. I think also i will stop using instagram because I see it could happen me the relapses. Also too much using the phone is bad things. It lowers energy levels. I think also my hand smart watch is too electrical machine and it makes my body anxied. Now installed ig banner and i am only allowed to use ig max. 5min on every day. Also i throwed my coconut oil to the hell because I used it for masturbation. THIS FUCKING SHIT STOP NOW. NOT MORE.

Guys, If I can't do that I will REALLY cut my balls. I don't want any more have my sexual. It makes me so sick. The porn is not any more the problem. It is the masturbation. I can keep it between 10 and 20 days but no. I don't want it. My brains are still sick. Unfortunately. It is the truth. Now this is end. My sexual is gone forever. I really hope that I can start new Page for my life. SEX IS DEMON. NEVER AGAIN I HOPE SO.

 

Day 7. No urges. I start feeling a little bit better but maybe I have some withdrawal symptoms from MO.
I can write here things from my journey. It maybe help me and keeps me motivated because I know someone else is propably also interested by my journey

 

Day 13 and i feel almost good. I have some anger symptoms and i get angry easier than before. But it feels good when you just for example shout to the wall or hit some pillows. Anger is good to get out. Anger makes me feel weaker so it's important.
Also i have some pressure or uncomfortable feeling in my balls but it's not a big problem.
I have took snow baths from sauna. (The good sides of Finland) The cold snow and temperature fluctuations also help.

 

Day 14
Today I felt super tired and my muscles feel weak. I hope these are MO withdrawal symptoms.
Also i have some pain in parts of my body.
I'm going forward for sure and i hope these symptoms facilitate soon.